


Finding my Way Back to You

by quinnlocke



Series: You Found Me [3]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Memories of the Past, Multi, Past Abuse, Romance, cameos from origins and inquistition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-06-09 01:43:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 76,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6883894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quinnlocke/pseuds/quinnlocke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you, I will always love you. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But sadly I can never look at </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>you again</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> without being reminded that in the end </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>it was always you</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>. You were the one who broke my heart and despite loving you now, I don’t know if that is something I can ever get over. Please do not try to contact me, it’s better for both of us this way. I hope that someday we can be friends again, that we can get past all of this. But until then, please just leave me be. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s for the best.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>Fenris has left Kirkwall for what will be a year long trip across Thedas with only Hawke's red cuff to keep her close.<br/>Hawke has told no one but Merrill the truth of who Fenris used to be.</p>
<p>How will Hawke learn to forgive him? How will Fenris learn to forgive himself?<br/>How will they find their way back to the one they love?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

September came through Ferelden and painted the leaves from green to hues of red and gold. The air was crisp with the promise of an early winter. A clean and cool autumn wind danced throughout the city of Denerim, catching the leaves and sending them swirling about. It was a picture of perfection in nature. Fenris stared at the symphony from his hotel window, hating it with every fiber of his being.

He had spent the better part of a month in a state of perpetual melancholy. He woke up, assisted Professor Harellan with whatever task he had delegated to him for the day, went to bed. Sure there were meals in between, possibly even moments of conversation with others. He would be damned if anyone asked him to recall any of it. Each day blended into the next and he was shocked when the calendar read September 30. Had he truly been gone an entire month already?

It was the date and the fact that he had woken up once again to an empty inbox on his phone that had made him feel cross with the world. He could no longer deny to himself that it was truly over with Hawke. He had given her the time and space she had requested, hoping it would be enough to convince her to reach out to him. To give him a chance to explain--for them to come to an actual understanding with each other.

No such opportunity had come.

His fingers played over the red leather of Hawke’s cuff. When he found it in his bag the day of his departure it had given him a small glimmer of hope. That she had given it to him as a sign, a gesture to imply that it wasn’t over. It wasn’t until he had played over their last moments in his mind that the truth became startlingly clear. She had not been wearing it for the entire week they had spent together. The token had been placed in his bag before the revelation about their shared pasts had been uncovered. He tried to block the memory of his fingers trailing up her arms as he pinned her to the bed, his hands locking over her bare wrists.

“Fasta vass,” he growled, stalking across the hotel room to refill his coffee from the flimsy two-cup pot. Their accommodations in Denerim were comfortable, but sparse. Professor Harellan had tried to secure them more proper lodgings for an extended stay, but the entire city seemed to be filled with an influx of people, and no such amenities could be found. He grumbled to himself, remembering that he would need to spend the day online booking and confirming their accommodations for the next leg of their trip in Orlais.

Fenris suspected that the professor’s agent, Morrigan Wilds, had something to do with their meager living arrangements. She had protested his appointment to the position of research assistant vehemently, going so far as to run yet another background check on him. It was only her mother, Flemeth Wilds’, timely intervention that prevented Fenris from verbally attacking her back.

_ “Morrigan, I am the one who gave final approval. Are you questioning my reasons?” _

_ “What?” Morrigan replied in shock before schooling her features into one of calm collectedness. “No mother; I was unaware that you had made the final decision.” _

_ “It was not information you needed to be privy to at the time.” _

That had been the last he had heard of her, and he thought the troubles had ceased. Their accommodations in Gwaren had been appropriate for a two week stay; Fenris had been able to cook his own meals in the small kitchenette. In truth, when the economy van came to pick them up for the drive to Denerim he had suspected there was trouble coming. When they arrived at the hotel his suspicions were confirmed. Perhaps Ms. Wilds thought that spending two weeks in a cheap hotel would dissuade him from staying on.

_ Joke’s on her; I’ve lived in worse places,  _ he thought to himself as he drank down the last dredges of his coffee, savoring the flavor. Isabela had given him a few bags of her signature blends as a going away present. It had been one of the few things he had to remind him of home that didn’t cause him to feel moody and listless. As if she knew he was in her thoughts his phone chirped and he recognized the fog horn she had set as her ringtone. How she had acquired his phone in the first place to accomplish this was a mystery.

**Isabela** _ 9:23am _

Just got the chicory blend back in, should I mail it to you now?

**Fenris** _ 9:25am _

Leaving for Orlais in two days, I’ll send you the address when I get there.

**Isabela** _ 9:27am _

No offense but shouldn’t you already have a list of the places you will be staying?

**Fenris** _ 9:29am _

I did, but the professor’s agent took umbrage with my being here and changed some things.

**Isabela** _ 9:31am _

Do I need to come down there and fix things for you?

**Fenris** _ 9:32am _

And how would you do that?

**Isabela** _ 9:34am _

Give her something to smile about long enough to forget how much she can’t stand you ;)

**Fenris** _ 9:36am _

Do you always use sex as a way to fix problems?

**Isabela** _ 9:38am _

Oh sweetie, you already know the answer to that.

***

Hawke stared at her alarm clock with a blank expression on her face, patiently waiting for it to buzz. Normally, she spent most mornings hitting the snooze button for as long as she could, but for the last few days she had found herself awake long before it was set to go off. Rather than take the opportunity to use what extra time she had, she preferred to lay in bed more often than not. Merrill groaned in her sleep and rolled over to face the wall. Hawke sighed and climbed out of bed, turning off the alarm to give Merrill the extra hour of sleep she was entitled to.

She dressed quietly and decided an early rise warranted treating herself to a cup of coffee from Siren’s Call. Besides, she had been avoiding Isabela for too long and the never ending texts inquiring about her well being would eventually need to be answered. Merrill had been a lifesaver in the weeks following Fenris’s departure. She spun the story to say that Hawke and Fenris had come to a mutual decision to end their relationship. That both had agreed it was for the best.

In truth, Hawke had been waiting for the lie to dissolve. Surely Fenris would tell at least one of them the truth. Yet as each day passed and she heard not a word from either Isabela or Anders confronting her, she soon realized that the secret was locked tight.

_ It’s not like Fenris is the type to share his personal life…with anyone. _

Hawke shook away thoughts of Fenris as she walked towards the café. September had drawn to a close and Kirkwall was alive with the fiery colors of fall. She tried to clear her mind and take in the beauty of it, yet every color seemed drab and dull. The cool breeze that floated over her felt more like an ice cold wind and she bundled herself against it, walking faster. She could see Isabela inside from across the street, smiling wickedly as she sent a text to someone.

Hawke smiled a little at that. She missed Isabela, missed the bawdy stories of her college conquests, her sorority days where she was always a hairsbreadth away from being kicked out. The grin on Isabela’s face faltered when Hawke walked in the door and she quickly tucked her phone away.

“Hey Bela,” Hawke said cheerily, though she knew it sounded forced.

“Hawke, still alive then?” Isabela asked pointedly.

“Yes, sorry I haven’t been around. First weeks of the semester are always rough.”

“Says the girl who was here at six a.m. during her second semester every day since the start.”

Hawke let out a sigh and twisted her mouth. “I’m not going to be able to just order my coffee and make small talk with you today am I?”

 

“You could if you were just a random customer. You’re my friend, Hawke, and I haven’t seen you in weeks. Did you really think I was just gonna let you walk in here without giving you shit for it?” Isabela chastised with soft warmth in her voice. She gave Hawke a pointed yet concerned look, extending her hand across the counter. “Talk to me.”

“When I’m ready,” Hawke replied softly. Isabela pursed her lips and opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by the sound of a cork popping. Hawke gave her a bemused and puzzled expression. “That’s an interesting text tone.”

Isabela gave a small laugh and nodded. “Everyone’s got one. You should hear yours.”

Hawke pulled out her phone and sent a smiley face to Isabela and rolled her eyes at the bird screech she heard in response. “Are you kidding me?”

“What? A hawk for Hawke seemed appropriate to me.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Would you have me any other way?”

Hawke laughed and shook her head. Isabela refused payment for the coffee insisting that getting to see her face was payment enough. As Hawke walked out the door she heard the cork pop sound again and looked back to see Isabela quickly put her phone back in her pocket. She looked up at her and waved almost guiltily.

It wasn’t until Hawke reached her first class that she realized who Isabela would give that sort of ring tone to. Despite the constant teasing and merciless jibes he staunchly defended his drink choice, claiming beer was swill compared to even the cheapest wines. Hawke bit back her emotions and schooled her face into one of calm impassivity. Isabela was more than welcome to maintain a friendship with Fenris. They had been friends before he and Hawke had even met.

_ Then why does it hurt knowing he was talking to her in that very moment? _

Because he had not tried to contact her at all since he had left. True, she had requested that, but some small part of her wished he would ignore it. That he would realize she was being stubborn. Yet she could not bring herself to make the first move. The pain was still too fresh. The memory of what she had gone through had come screaming back into her mind as soon as he uttered the name Leto Puer. It was too much.

She faced the rest of the day by forcing all thoughts of him from her mind. Yet it seemed everything could and would eventually remind her of him. One of the guys in her Literature engaged the entire class in a debate over whether or not  _ Chronicles of Shartan _ could be considered an ageless work. Hawke shifted down in her seat and hoped her lack of participation would not count against her. Her baking class focused on wine and dessert pairings and everything she ate and drank seemed to have no taste.

 

Merrill was, thankfully, not in the room when Hawke finally got back at the end of the day. She was in no state to talk to anyone. She quickly changed into her pajamas and left her clothes lying in state around the room, deciding she would take care of it the next day. She wanted nothing more than to lay in bed and zone out watching a movie. Her phone chimed and she groaned, reaching over to grab it.

**Mom** _ 7:34pm _

Who is coming for Thanksgiving?

**Marian** _ 7:36pm _

Myself, Merrill, Bela and Varric

**Mom** _ 7:39pm _

That’s it?

**Marian** _ 7:42pm _

Yes, Anders is in Orlais

**Mom** _ 7:44pm _

I see…

She happened to glance at the calendar on her phone and cringed. It was Wednesday, because of course it was Wednesday. Because she just had to have one final reminder of why her heart was constantly feeling as though it was in pieces. She angrily clicked his contact info and typed out a furious message before deleting it. She wrote several long rants and convinced herself each time to just delete them rather than hit send. 

**Hawke** _ 8:45pm _

I miss you, I can’t deny it anymore. I miss you and I’m sorry

She stared at the message and blinked back her tears before deleting it. With a sigh she clicked his contact information. His shy smile staring back at her the night he gave her the first look at just how far the tattoos went.

**_Delete Contact?_ **

**_Confirm Delete?_ **

**_Contact Deleted_ **

 

*******

 

**Isabela** _ 12:34pm _

He’s only in Ferelden for two more days.

 

**Merrill** _ 12:36pm _

All right, did you manage to get the name of his hotel?

 

**Isabela** _ 12:39pm _

As if you had to ask

 

**Merrill** _ 1:03pm _

Forgive me oh savvy one, I shall never doubt your abilities again

 

***

 

Fenris stared out his hotel window and glared at Fort Drakon. The night club being within view of his hotel room had been the first thing he noticed upon his arrival. At first it had been a sad reminder of what had been a wonderful evening. Now it just made him angry.

 

_ How dare she leave me hanging like this for weeks. How could she just turn her back on everything? _

 

He crossed the room in two quick strides and was about to break his silence with her. Damn the consequences, he would get his chance to explain himself. His phone was in hand when there was a knock on his door. He chose to ignore it; housekeeping could wait until he left for the evening, though he wondered why they were there so late.  He began typing out his message when another knock sounded. Angrily he shoved his phone into his pocket and stormed over to the door.

 

“Do you seriously need to clean the room right this…..oh shit.”

 

“Hello Fenris.”

 

“Carver…”

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Merrill** _ 3:34pm _

He’s leaving for Orlais tomorrow. Someone should be there his last day.

**Carver** _ 3:37pm _

How long have you been planning this?

**Merrill** _ 3:39pm _

Why do you ask?

**Carver** _ 3:41pm _

Because I got a care package from my mother two days ago with a box in it marked “For Fenris”

**Merrill** _ 3:45pm _

If Isabela couldn’t get his hotel info we were going to just have you mail that to his next destination

**Carver** _ 3:47pm _

Why can’t I just mail it then? Why do I need to go see him?

**Merrill** _ 3:50pm _

Because you are the only one there, please, he needs a friend

***

Carver stood outside the hotel room, his hand held in mid air, ready to just walk back down the hallway and tell Merrill that Fenris hadn’t been there. Somehow he knew she wouldn’t buy it, and since his mother seemed to be in on the plan he would need to damage control on both fronts. He sighed and knocked on the door and waited for an answer.

When none came he considered again just leaving; now it wouldn’t be a lie.

_ But did you knock twice? _

He knew that would be the very next question she would give. He let out a huff of frustration and knocked one more time. The muffled steps from the other side of the door canceled out any hopes he had of this ending without a face to face meeting.

“Do you seriously need to clean the room right this…..oh shit.” Fenris stared at him wide eyed, his mouth hanging open.

“Hello Fenris,” Carver replied with what he hoped was a friendly smile. Not one that gave away just how badly he did not want to be there.

“Carver…”

Fenris shut his mouth and stared at him. His jaw tightened and his chin lifted slightly. His hands dropped to his sides and tightened into fists. Carver tilted his head and gave him a puzzled look.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Just make it quick and try not to leave marks. I really don’t want to explain to my boss why I got punched in the jaw.”

“I’m not going to hit you.”

“You’re not?”

“Is there a reason I should hit you? What did you do?”

Fenris narrowed his eyes slightly and fixed him with a scrutinizing look. Carver attempted to hold back a grin but he couldn’t help but smile at the situation.

“You’re fucking with me aren’t you?” Fenris concluded.

“Very much so,” Carver admitted.

“So you know about what happened with Marian?”

Carver sighed and nodded solemnly. “For the most part yes, Bethany didn’t fill me in on the more sordid details. But I know who you are, or well who you were.”

“And yet you still aren’t here to beat the shit out of me?”

“Did you know my sister was the girl from summer camp? Did you have any possible inkling that you knew her before you pursued a relationship with her?” Carver pressed.

“No I swear, had I known—had I had even the slightest idea that she might be,” Fenris insisted. Carver put a hand up to stop him.

“Then what have you done that would give me cause to consider hurting you?”

“I broke your sister’s heart,” Fenris lamented.

“That you did—but that was then.”

“So if you aren’t here to give me an ass kicking why are you here?”

“My mother sent me a care package for you; I’m here to deliver it. I’m also supposed to make sure you have dinner and pay for it myself, “Carver admitted, though he chose to leave off the detail about Merrill being the ringleader of the whole blasted plan. He wasn’t even willing to admit to himself that she seemed to have a lasting influence on him.

“Your mother sent something for me? Does she know what happened?”

“Fenris, it’s a screwed up situation, we all know that. But it’s not like either of you intended for this to happen,” Carver said dismissively. “Can we please just go get some burgers and beers and talk about anything other than the fact that I now know you slept with my sister?”

“Yes to burgers, no to the beer,” Fenris replied with a smile.

“You’re gonna drink wine and make this look like a date.”

“That toxic masculinity will get you nowhere with women.”

***

They had made small talk while walking to the pub Carver swore made the best burgers in all of Ferelden. As awkward as it was, Fenris found it easy to talk to Carver; they had more in common than even he had previously thought.

“Listen I’m just saying don’t discount the death metal genre completely,” Carver insisted.

“I’m not saying the entire genre is crap, just 95% of it seems to be some heavy guitar and a guy who can’t decide if he should be shrill or brutal with his vocals,” Fenris countered.

“You’re listening to the wrong ones then.”

“Well then by all means enlighten me.”

Carver was talkative when he was invested in the subject matter, Fenris learned. It was both entertaining and sadly all too reminiscent of Hawke. He bit back the urge to ask about her. It would put a damper on the evening and he had to admit he was enjoying the company of someone other than the professor. It had been too long since he had socialized with anyone. His time in Kirkwall had apparently broken him of his loner attitude.

“Here we are,” Carver said suddenly and Fenris finally stopped to see where they were. He had not been to this part of Denerim in the entire time he had been there. It reminded him of Lowtown in a way, not as ritzy as the city proper. But it still had a certain quality to it that said it would stand even if the rest of the city came down around it.

“The Alienage?” Fenris asked looking up at the bright green neon sign. “Odd name for a pub.”

“Yeah, Soris is an odd guy but damn if his food isn’t amazing,” Carver replied opening the door and gesturing for him to walk in. Fenris took in the scenery around him and couldn’t help but stand in awe. The walls were covered in all manner of eclectic art and potted plants. A large tree stood in the middle of the restaurant and he wondered how they managed to accomplish keeping it alive and well.

“Hey Carver.” A petite redhead piped up from behind the bar. “Didn’t know you were back in town.”

“Hey Shianni, yep leave is over. My mom said your scarf will be in the mail by next week,” Carver called back. He directed Fenris to a booth and grabbed two menus on the way over. “Does Soris still want one for Valora?”

“I can’t keep him still long enough to talk to him anymore. He’s decided this place needs more exotic foods and is attempting to practice Nevarran and Antivan fusion.”

“This will be, what, the fifth time he’s tried to change the theme of this place?” Carver asked with a chuckle.

“Sixth; I’m still throwing away décor from when he thought Denerim needed a pirate themed bar.”

“Yet, you kept the ship in a bottle,” Carver called back, pointing to the out of place decoration behind her. Shianni looked back at it with a smile.

“Some things are always worth holding onto.”

Carver opened his menu and skipped to the back page before setting it down. Fenris was staring in puzzlement at the wide variety of options before Carver poked a finger into his menu grabbing his attention. “Just skip to the back. Most everything on those pages isn’t even on the menu anymore. The good stuff is in the back.”

“How do they keep this place running when half the menu isn’t available?”

“Soris can’t stick to a theme or concept to save his life. Shianni, his cousin, keeps this place going. After the second theme change, she finally decided to stop fighting him on it. She makes sure the foods people order the most stay, and Soris gets to fiddle around with ideas and never have to worry that his place will go under.”

“That certainly explains the décor in here.”

“Oh yeah, the walls are a testament to the level of crazy my cousin is capable of reaching,” Shianni said with a huff, approaching their table. “The art is from when he thought we should cater to the indie scene; the plants are from when his wife went vegetarian during her pregnancy; the ship in a bottle, as you saw, is from the pirate theme; and, of course, we can’t forget the tree.”

“How did you even manage that?” Fenris asked.

“It’s fake; I can’t tell you how many people insist it’s real. But trust me, it’s fake. That’s from when he decided we should serve Seheron cuisine.”

Carver laughed at the look of absolute bafflement on Fenris’s face. “Trust me the food is good, the beer is even better, and Shianni keeps it all coming.”

“What’ll it be tonight?” she asked.

“Is the Anderfel Ale back on tap? Because I think that would really make my double burger taste even better.”

“Keep eating those double burgers and drinking that beer and you will find yourself PT’d until the end of time.”

“My metabolism can burn through anything.”

“Uh huh. What about you, new comer? Are you the daring type or the settling type?” she asked, jerking a finger towards Carver at the end.

“I take it Carver is the settler?”

“He only ever orders the double burger; he might get something added to it like bacon or onion rings. But that’s it. He never tries anything else.”

“So if I was the daring type, what would you have me order?”

“Balsamic glazed duck with a mug of cherry ale to wash it down.”

Fenris grimaced at the mention of ale and Shianni laughed at his expression. “Ah, not the beer type all right. Let me see here,” she said, pulling his menu away and muttering to herself. “Ok pork loin stuffed with dragon peppers, and I’ll get you a nice Rivaini wine to wash it down.”

“All right,” Fenris said with a smile and Shianni ruffled Carver’s hair before leaving. He gave Carver a scrutinizing look. “Do I want to know how you are allowed to drink here?”

Carver blushed and rubbed a hand on the back of his neck. “Shianni caught me using a fake ID my second time here. Then she found out I was military; next time I came in she put a beer down in front of me and said to keep my trap shut.”

Fenris laughed and Carver asked him about his work with the professor. Fenris did his best to keep the conversation flowing but he soon realized that so much of his time in Ferelden had passed by with him barely paying attention to what he was doing. He couldn’t even remember what books he had read or the notes he had taken. Maybe Morrigan was right. Maybe he really wasn’t cut out for the job. Especially since he was allowing his emotions to run his entire life. He was thankful for the silence when their food arrived and Carver turned his attention solely to his meal. Halfway through, Fenris couldn’t keep his curiosity quiet anymore.

“How is she?” he asked suddenly, setting his fork down. Carver looked up at him solemnly and swallowed.

“I don’t really know. I haven’t seen her since she left to go back to Kirkwall.”

“I see; and you haven’t spoken to her at all?”

Carver sighed and palmed his chin before taking a deep breath. “Truth is Marian and I have never really had that kind of sibling relationship where we talk about our feelings.”

“I understand,” Fenris replied solemnly. “I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Thing is, I don’t remember you at all. I remember going to camp, I remember Marian being depressed that entire year, but you—you I don’t remember one bit. Bethany does though.”

“She does?”

“She remembers Marian meeting you and spending the entire summer with you. She remembers Marian waiting for your letters, and I can only assume sometime over the years Marian told her what happened. I was in shock honestly when I heard the whole story.”

“Imagine being the one who lived it and had no idea,” Fenris responded dryly.

“I gotta know man; how in the world did it never even occur to you that you’d met her already?”

Fenris sat back with his lips pressed into a thin line. How many times had he asked himself that same question over the last month? How many times had he thought that maybe if he had just opened up a little bit, they could have come to the truth together.

“I don’t know. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure that out. As soon as I realized who she was, it all came flooding back to me. Do you know how many times I tried to remember her? How many times I asked myself whatever happened to that girl.”

“Does she know any of this?”

“She said to not contact her.”

“Typical Marian,” Carver huffed. “It’s a Hawke thing, we’re stubborn as fuck.”

Fenris laughed and shook his head slightly.

“Give her time man, I wish I had better advice than that to give.”

“Thank you for this, Carver; I’m sure this was not on the list of things you wanted to be doing tonight.”

“It wasn’t, but hey, you’re a pretty cool dude. Not gonna lie. Other than the deep conversation about my sister, it’s been a nice night.”

“So segue into a new conversation to make us forget we got in touch with our emotions?”

“Fuck yes,” Carver said with relief. “Hey did I show you my tattoo? It’s a mabari!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it seems I will be able to stick to a once a week posting for now. I have a nice backlog built, not big enough to justify twice weekly postings, but maybe if I get on a roll there might be some double postings here and there. Especially for chapters that I'd like to be seen read in tandem.
> 
> Anyway thank you for all the kind words and kudos on chapter 1, so nice to see some familiar names and some new ones as well.


	3. Chapter 3

“Fenris, we need to talk,” Professor Harellan stated as they sat waiting for the plane to take off. Fenris gulped and thought to himself, this is it; he’s going to let me go.

“Sir, I can explain,” Fenris began. “I know I haven’t been the most model assistant over the last month.” The professor’s jaw was agape in confusion and Fenris silenced himself quickly. “This isn’t what I think it’s about is it?”

“No not at all, Fenris. I wanted to apologize to you for the less than stellar accommodations we had in Denerim. I feel you deserve a full explanation for Morrigan’s behavior.”

“It wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been, sir.”

“Of that I am aware; however, you should know it’s not you that Morrigan is specifically going after.” Fenris nodded and allowed the professor to continue. “On my last lecture tour, I brought along my former TA as my research assistant. She was my best and brightest student, much like you. Things became...complicated is the best way to explain it.”

“You became involved?”

“Quite. And when the relationship ended in the middle of my tour, I lost all interest in continuing with my work. The release of my book was pushed back an entire year. I cost the firm quite a bit of money when I cancelled a month’s worth of lectures when it was all said and done.”

“So Morrigan thinks that you and I--?”

Solas laughed heartily. “Was that a serious question? No, this is simply Morrigan’s way of reminding me that my mistakes have not been forgotten. She is merely using you as a means to justify her actions.”

“I don’t know if I should feel flattered or not.”

“The point is that it will not continue to be a problem. Flemeth has corralled her daughter and you will find our accommodations in the future to be more than adequate. Especially once we reach Val Royeaux. Have you ever been to Orlais?”

“No sir.”

“Fenris, please call me Solas. I am your boss, but we are on equal grounds now that you are no longer my student.”

“I will try my best.”

“Now, back to your previous statement. I did notice a change in your behavior; is something amiss?”

“Things got complicated before I left.”

“I see. Well, I am no stranger to that. Allow me to give you a small bit of advice. Whatever you might be holding back from someone--keep it--keep it locked away. There are some things in life no one needs to know about.”

***

**Fenris** _ 2:34pm _

So now that we are in the same city again we should hang out

**Anders** _ 2:37pm _

Definitely, my schedule is crazy but I’m sure I can make some time

**Fenris** _ 2:39pm _

What about now?

**Anders** _ 2:42pm _

Yeah I’m free now, what were you thinking?

**Fenris** _ 2:44pm _

I was thinking you look incredibly lonely sitting there

**Anders** _ 2:47pm _

Hey the sneaky texts are my thing!

Anders had been sitting at his favorite cafe, enjoying the view from its outdoor patio when he read the text. He looked up with a smile as Fenris approached and stood up to give him a hearty embrace; “Fuck I missed you.”

“I missed you too. Imagine my surprise at seeing you somewhere other than a kitchen,” Fenris said with a smile, taking a seat. 

“I do actually get a day off once in a while. When you’re training to become the next sous chef, they apparently don’t want to break you within a month.”

A waitress walked out to their table and took Fenris’s order. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and ignored the eye roll Anders gave him.

“Thought you quit.”

“I did, and then I didn’t. We have an on and off relationship.”

“So this is the part where I just shrug my shoulders and let you deflect?” Anders asked pointedly. Fenris gave him a sideways look and sighed. “You honestly didn’t think I was going to ask?”

“To be fair, I’d hoped you would wait a little longer.”

“I can’t help it; my curiosity is insatiable.”

Fenris sighed and took a deep pull on his cigarette, grimacing at the burning sensation in his throat. When did they stop feeling as good as they used to?

“It can wait if you really don’t want to…”

“I’m Leto,” Fenris said suddenly and Anders felt himself fall back into his seat in disbelief.

“No.”

“I’m afraid so.”

“So Birdie…”

“Yup.”

“Shit.”

“How keenly observant you are.”

***

**Merrill** _ 2:12pm _

I thought we were friends

**Fenris** _ 2:15pm _

We are friends

**Merrill** _ 2:17pm _

Are we? I haven’t heard one word from you in over a month. I know you’ve still kept in touch with Isabela and that you have seen Anders while you’re in Orlais.

**Fenris** _ 2:19pm _

I wasn’t sure if you even wanted to speak to me

**Merrill** _ 2:21pm _

Why? Because Hawke is my best friend? Do you think that changes my feelings about our friendship? When did you dating her change us?

**Fenris** _ 2:24pm _

I’m sorry, really I am sorry.

**Merrill** _ 2:27pm _

Well now you have to make it up to me

**Fenris** _ 2:29pm _

Ok what can I do?

**Merrill** _ 2:32pm _

Wednesday night, skype chat with me.

**Fenris** _ 2:35pm _

Lol ok

***

**Dalish Daisy**

Hey there

**F. Bellator**

Hi

**Dalish Daisy**

How are you? How is Orlais?

**F. Bellator**

I’m all right, Orlais is full of Orlesians

**Dalish Daisy**

Duh lol, what did you expect?

**_Video Call…_ **

Merrill’s smiling face appeared on the screen and she gave him a wave.

“Hey there.”

“You said that already,” Fenris replied with a grin. Merrill giggled and shrugged.

“This is better though, right? Seeing faces and hearing voices?”

“I guess it is. Listen, I’m really sorry,” Fenris started and Merrill put a hand up to the camera to stop him.

“I get it; you thought I was off limits.”

“No it’s not that it’s…I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to be talking to everyone but her.”

“I understand, and really I don’t know why I got so upset about you not talking to me in the first place. We’re friends, but we were never that close.”

“Yet you orchestrated Carver coming to see me my last day in Ferelden.”

Merrill’s face took on one of wide eyed surprise and she blushed scarlet. “How did you know that was me? Isabela is the one who had your hotel information.”

“Because I know you, and I know the lengths you go for the people you care about. Plus, I doubt anyone but you could have coerced him to do it.”

“It didn’t take that much convincing; plus, Leandra helped. Did you like your care package?”

“I did; the cookies were gone within days. The sweater will be perfect when we get to the Anderfels. I don’t have Leandra’s number to call her and tell her.”

“I’ll be sure to relay the message.” Merrill looked like she was about to say something else when her back suddenly straightened and Fenris heard the sound of keys in the background. They both looked at each other in a wide eyed stare.

“Hey, forgot my damn book again,” Hawke’s voice came through and Fenris felt his heart sink into his chest. He wanted to shut the video feed off but couldn’t, it was the first time he had heard her voice in months. “By the way, I was thinking I’d like to skip Hanged Man this year, maybe see if Varric and Bela feel the same way.”

“Not up to going out this year?” Merrill asked. Fenris had to give her credit for her ability to keep Hawke’s attention away from the fact that she had only moments before been talking to him. The face of pure impassivity she had adopted so quickly was amazing.

“I just don’t feel like going all out on a costume and spending the entire night being jostled around a packed club.”

“All right, I can shoot Bela a text while you’re in class.”

“Would you? That would be great. But listen if you want to go that’s fine. I don’t mind sticking home that night.”

“No it’s fine, it can get pretty packed and you’re right, the thought of being shoved in a sardine can of drunken party goers has started to lose its appeal.”

“It’s cause we can do it legally now; somehow, that’s made it less fun.”

“You’re probably right.”

“Ok, I’m off. Wish me luck; the professor wants us to read Antivan poetry out loud to the class.”

“Just pretend to be Inigo and you’ll do fine.”  Merrill commented; Hawke's responding laugh continued until the door shut moments later . Merrill looked back at him and, upon seeing his expression, her face took on one of sympathy. “I’m so sorry; she wasn’t supposed to be home all night.”

“No, it’s fine.”

“That was the first time you heard her voice since…”

“Yeah.” Fenris swallowed hard and rubbed a hand across his forehead. “I should go.”

“I really am sorry; I didn’t mean for this to…”

“I know, thank you though for reaching out.”

“Anytime. Don’t be a stranger.”

“I’ll try.”

***

Hawke sat in her car, glaring at the lit up sign in front of her.  _ Gallows Grill, how original,  _ she thought to herself.  _ This is what I get for waiting over a month to look for a job. _

She hadn’t intended to get a job while in school. The only benefit of her inheritance had been the ability to remain focused on school work without the worry of starvation. But now she had fewer classes than ever, and a consistent state of boredom led to roaming thoughts. Those thoughts, of course, always ended up straying to Fenris. Deleting his number was probably the only good idea she had when it came to him. The inability to send him lengthy rants about her feelings every time they popped up had been a godsend.

Her friends might have been an excellent source of curing her boredom, if being around them didn't cause her more trouble. She loved them, but they seemed to be treating her like a piece of glass that might shatter at the very mention of love, relationships, and of course the man himself. Isabela had even started holding herself back from making perverted jokes. It took every ounce of control to not scream at the lot of them.

_ I am fine! I am perfectly ok with my decision! I will tell you what happened when I am ready! How is he? Have you talked to him? Does he miss me at all?! _

Hawke shook her head again and wiped away a traitorous tear. There would be no crying before a job interview. She took a deep breath and grabbed her resume before stepping out of the car and making her way across the street. A smiling blonde woman at the host stand greeted her.

“Welcome to Gallows Grill, table for one?”

Hawke fought back the urge to cringe at the girl’s perkiness.  _ Front of House needs to be happy Marian; remember, only the cooks get to show their real feelings. _

“No, actually, I’m here about a job,” she said flashing what she hoped was a friendly smile. “Saw the ad in the paper.”

“Oh. All right then, follow me.”

Hawke followed the girl through the dining room towards what she assumed was the bar. Another blonde, tall and very male, was seeing to the few afternoon customers. The hostess sat her at the far end and said she’d bring the manager over shortly. Hawke smiled and thanked her and proceeded to read over her resume. Between the bakery and the diner she had a decent amount of experience. Shouldn’t be too hard to get a job in the kitchen.

“What can I get you,” a deep voice asked. Hawke looked up and immediately paled.  _ Oh fuck me. _ “Do…do I know you?”

“Sort of…we had a minor confrontation outside the Kirkwall Police Station,” Hawke responded dryly. A look of recognition came over the bartender’s face and he laughed.

“You’re Anders’ friend.”

“That I am. Cullen, right?”

“Yes, so what can I get you…?”

“Marian,” she hesitated to let him call her anything else. She was Hawke to her friends, this guy would need to earn the right to call her that. If she even deigned to speak to him beyond the occasional hello. Front of House and Back of House didn’t have much interaction. She’d be free to ignore him if she wanted to.  _ If you get the job you dolt! _

“Marian, what can I get you?”

“Something non-alcoholic; I’m here for a job.”

“If my manager wasn’t walking up, I’d give you a shot to calm the nerves,” Cullen replied with a wink before filling up a glass of water and setting it down in front of her. His smile as always got on her nerves. It was too friendly, too open, nobody was that nice from the get go. “Good luck.”

The interview could not have gone any better. Sol, the restaurant manager, was an amiable gentleman. Hawke waited patiently for him to cut to the chase and offer a job, but her hopes were soon deflated.

“I wish I could say I had an opening in the kitchen after talking to you but I’m afraid the only spots I have are in the dining room.”

“Oh,” Hawke said, trying to mask the defeated tone in her voice.

“I need someone for the slow nights; most of my servers try to give up the weekday shifts in favor of the busier nights.”

“I guess there’s not a lot of pay on a Tuesday night.”

“If you’re still interested I’d be happy to hire you; and if there’s an opening in the kitchen, you’ll be the first to hear of it.”

Hawke thought about the decision for a moment. It wasn’t like she hadn’t worked front of house before. The summer she spent avoiding her mother she had worked every hour they would give her. Wasn’t she looking for the same thing now?

“I’m more than happy to accept what you can give me, Sol.”

“Great. I’ve got a shift open tomorrow evening so you can start training. Cullen, looks like I’ll be needing you tomorrow after all. I’ve got someone new for you to train.”

Hawke tried her best to hold back a cringe.  _ Oh joy... _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Cullen has returned to the fic lol. I hadn't actually intended to give him more screen time so to speak. But writing the collaborative fic with Broody and Emma put him in my head and I thought why not?
> 
> As always thank you for reading and of course thanks to Broody, Emma, and now Ranna for betaing. You guys are awesome.


	4. Chapter 4

Working at the Gallows Grill turned out to be the best decision Hawke could have made. Even on the slow nights, she found her mind occupied enough to keep her distracted. Cullen ended up being the best part of the job. Once she got over her initial prejudices against him—most of them in the end having more to do with his previous associations than the man himself—they developed a sort of camaraderie that she soon realized she needed.

Merrill and Isabela had been surprised at first when she informed them of her new job, first and foremost since neither of them had any idea Hawke had been looking for one in the first place.

“If I knew you were looking for a job, I would have been happy to give you one,” Isabela informed her when Hawke came by for an afternoon pick-me-up before her Tuesday night shift.

“You were just complaining the other day that you had too many staff people.”

“Yes, but two of them left and I might have to let the new guy go. He’s not very good at the customer service bit.”

“You said that about Jethann when he first started and now he’s your assistant manager.”

“That’s because I screwed him in the back room one night. Turns out he just needed a little bit of pampering and he was right as rain,” Isabela said with a wink.

“I take it you don’t feel like applying the same idea to this new one?”

Isabela shook her head but said nothing; Hawke fixed her with a penetrating look.

“What?” Isabela asked with an air of annoyance.

“Have you been celibate since Anders left?”

“Ugh do not use that word; it just sounds so clinical,” Isabela scoffed.

“What would you prefer then?”

“I prefer you to stay out of my sex life.”

“Since when?” Hawke asked, wide-eyed in disbelief.

“Since you started holding back about yours.” Isabela leaned back against the counter, arms crossed and lips pursed. “That and for once, I don’t know how I feel so I don’t want to talk about it.”

Hawke nodded silently, but couldn’t let it go; it stung to have Isabela dismiss her like that. She had nearly forgotten that Isabela had to say goodbye to Anders as well. But at least she knew he was coming back. They still spoke to one another.  _ You can actually talk to Fenris; it’s not like deleting his number from your phone deleted him from everyone else’s. _

Merrill only inquired as to where she was working and what nights she would be there. If she was upset at having been left in the dark about Hawke’s decision-making, she did not show it.

There seemed to be a bit of a distance growing between them. It appeared minuscule at first; no different than when they were both overloaded with class work and barely saw one another. They had always maintained a close friendship, even when they were apart.

Hawke considered broaching the subject, but balked every time. She knew in the end it would come down to Merrill believing that Hawke should have given Fenris a chance to explain himself. In between her soothing words after he had left were subtle hints that maybe she had gone about things in the wrong way. Now whenever the subject came up Merrill dropped the subtlety and ended every discussion with-- _ maybe talking to him will make things better. _

***

**Varric (group text)** _ 4:34pm _

Deep Roads will be open on Halloween

**Isabela** _ 4:36pm _

Varric! How could you?? Corff will be devastated.

**Varric** _ 4:39pm _

Did you honestly think I didn’t bring this up to him first? Hanged Man doesn’t let the underage crowd in. Perfect opportunity to make a profit on a night we aren’t normally open.

**Hawke** _ 4:41pm _

Oh shit, Halloween is on a Tuesday.

**Merrill** _ 4:43pm _

You’re working aren’t you?

**Hawke** _ 4:45pm _

Sigh, yes. I’m so sorry, I know I asked for us to do something different for Halloween this year.

**Varric** _ 4:49pm _

Just come by when your shift is over, no harm done Hawke

***

**Cullen** _ 3:34pm _

Sol asked me to remind you to come to work in costume tomorrow.

**Hawke** _ 3:37pm _

Oh FFS seriously??!!

**Cullen** _ 3:39pm _

Such language lol. But yes, Sol goes all out for the holidays and Halloween is no exception. I should warn you most of the specials will have some cheesy theme.

**Hawke** _ 3:41pm _

Did you just chide me for cursing?

**Cullen** _ 3:43pm _

No…

**Hawke** _ 3:47pm _

Well what are you going as?

**Cullen** _ 3:49pm _

I’m wearing my rugby uniform

**Hawke** _ 3:51pm _

That’s cheating!

***

After a quick stop at the Black Emporium—which included mandatory puppy hugs from Chauncey—Hawke was set to show up for work in costume. If adding a witch’s hat and cheap spider jewelry to her work uniform counted as a costume. One of the perks of the new job was the fact that she didn’t need to go shopping for a work uniform. Sol’s only requirement of his wait staff was that they wear black. Since Hawke’s closet was nothing more than a mass of black cloth with the occasional color thrown in, she was more than prepared.

Sol sighed when she walked in and Hawke gave him a shrug.

“Cullen only just informed me yesterday of the costume requirement. Let’s not forget that I have worked back of house for most of my short work experience. Costumes are never conducive in the kitchen.”

“I suppose I will have to give you a pass. I should break out the green face paint and wart prosthetics.”

“Why do you even have those? Where you keep them?”

“For servers who fail to show up in costume; the punishment is I get to play make up artist,” Sol replied with a wink. “Top shelf of the supply closet by the way, Cullen is one of the few who can even reach it.”

Hawke shook her head and made her way to the staff room in the back to put away her bag. Cullen was coming out as she walked in. She was surprised to see that he was not in the rugby uniform he claimed he was going to be wearing. Instead he wore dark khaki dress pants and a crisp button up shirt, with a pair of black rim glasses on his face.

“What the hell are you supposed to be?”

Cullen gave her a grin and popped open the shirt to reveal a Superman t-shirt underneath. “I’m Clark Kent.”

“Good to see you stepping up your game, Rutherford.”

“Says the woman who threw a witch’s hat on and called it a day; and you accused me of cheating.”

“I guarantee the only thing you had to buy to create that outfit was the t-shirt and the glasses.”

“Actually I only had to buy the glasses; I already owned the shirt.”

Hawke’s eyes widened in surprise; “I didn’t take you for a comic book fan.”

“That’s because you never asked me.”

For a Tuesday night they were surprisingly busy through most of the early evening. Mostly families coming in with children still hyped up from trick or treating. Hawke was asked to take several pictures with little girls dressed as princesses and the occasional witch as well. Business started to die down as bar hopping hour approached and Hawke made her way over to the bar. She smiled, seeing Cullen surreptitiously texting away, thinking no one was watching. She let out a small cough and gave him an admonishing look.

“No texting on the job.”

Cullen blushed and pocketed his phone. “Can’t a man tell his girlfriend he misses her?”

“Awww, have you got a long distance sweetheart?”

Cullen laughed and nodded while checking the incoming drink orders and getting the glasses set up “She’s at Skyhold University.”

“That’s the one that sits practically on the border of Ferelden and Orlais right?”

“Yup, top tier college. She’s a smart one, my Iris.”

“Quite the distance you have between you. How do you make it work?”

“At one point, we didn’t,” Cullen replied. “Iris wasn’t a fan of my fraternity brothers—not that I blame her,” he added quickly, seeing the look on Hawke’s face. “So there was a time where she decided it was best if we weren’t seeing each other.”

“What changed?”

“Oh, I punched a guy in the face after learning some unfortunate truths. I’m sure you heard about that one—your boyfriend—he was there.”

“He and I...” Hawke replied softly, her shoulders slumping forward. 

“Oh…I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t exactly try to advertise that I’m woefully single,” Hawke replied with a shrug leaning on the bar. “But yeah, that ended back in August actually.”

Cullen’s phone let out a chime and Hawke gave him a grin as he pulled it from his pocket. Whatever was sent to him made him burst out laughing. He gestured for Hawke to come closer and showed her the image he had been sent. Three women all dressed as the Powerpuff Girls; though she noticed the hair colors were a bit off. Buttercup was rocking a teal undercut, Blossom had long wavy blonde hair, and Bubbles pigtails were a deep black.

“Which one’s Iris?”

“Bubbles. Perfect for her actually.”

“And the other two?”

“Her cousins; they all attend Skyhold together.”

“All three?” Hawke replied, mouth agape in shock. Skyhold was possibly the most prestigious university in Thedas. She remembered being told only two of her classmates in high school bothered applying and only one got in.

“They are three of the smartest women I have ever met, and at times the scariest.”

“They gang up on you don’t they?”

“‘Gang up’ does not even come close to what they do. Alyx, the colorful one, she has kicked my ass in rugby more times than I ever want to admit out loud. Emma is in med school and will not hesitate to tell you how the inner parts of your body work. The best is when she talks about the flow of blood while you’re eating steak.”

Hawke snorted and Cullen shook his head as though trying to remove the memory.

“Pray tell, what does Iris do that makes her so scary?”

“Reads me like a book,” Cullen said with a sigh. “I can’t hide anything from her—not that I would ever want to. But if there ever comes a time that I’d like to get down on one knee and ask her to marry me, I worry she will already know and have her cousins tell me all the ways I am doing it wrong.”

“You really are quite smitten,” Hawke said wistfully.

“Is it that obvious?”

“Woman’s intuition. That and I did spend the better part of a year being smitten myself, so I recognize the signs,” Hawke trailed off at the end. She had been thinking of him all night. It was hard not to—Halloween was special for them. She was supposed to be in Orlais with him; that had been the plan. She could tell herself over and over again that she had forgotten his schedule, didn’t remember what schools he was at. But she knew; she had spent weeks memorizing it and finding every possible opportunity for them to see each other. He was in Lydes right now, just across the river from Val Royeaux.

“This is probably the wrong thing to say, but...do you want to talk about it?” Cullen asked gently. Hawke turned to him and shook her head.

“The less you know of my sad tale, the better. I got this job to get away from the people who knew us and saw us together.”

“I see.”

“If we get out of here early enough, you want to hit up The Deep Roads? I sort of ditched those same friends after they went out of their way to change our usual Halloween plans. So I pretty much owe it to them to show up at some point tonight.”

“Is that the goth club that opened up last year?”

“Yes it is; I kind of own it.”

“You own it?”

“Well I own a third of its profits; sort of invested in it on a whim.”

“I don’t know if I am going to fit in there,” Cullen replied nervously.

“That’s what everybody says. I’ll give you a crash course on the music before we go.”

***

**Hawke** _ 12:45am _

We got out early you still at Deep Roads?

**Merrill** _ 12:50am _

Yeah, who is we?

**Hawke** _ 12:51am _

My coworker, Cullen, tell Isabela hands off

**Merrill** _ 12:53am _

She said now it’s a challenge

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to publish twice this week. Mostly because the next few chapters go hand in hand with each other and I didn't want to leave too much time in between. I have at this point written and edited 11 chapters and am still going strong. So the chances of double postings throughout the week are a strong possibility.
> 
> Also those of you who also read my collaboration fic might recognize the names Alyx, Emma, and Iris. The Trevelyans from We March As One have gone modern! I couldn't resist bringing them in once Cullen was slated to play a part in the story.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has continued to read and comment.  
> As always thank you to my betas Broody, Emma, and Ranna


	5. Chapter 5

**Merrill** _ 12:00am _

Happy Birthday!!!

**Fenris** _ 12:03am _

You stayed up just to message me that didn’t you?

**Merrill** _ 12:04am _

Yup! Now I’m going to bed, have a great day!

***

**Varric** _ 8:34am _

Happy Birthday, gonna miss you on Halloween

***

**Isabela** _ 9:32am _

Happy Birthday cutie!

***

**Anders** _ 10:34pm _

Happy Birthday. Sorry I’m so late with it, work has been hell today.

**Fenris** _ 10:36pm _

No worries, I appreciate the sentiment no matter how late it comes.

**Anders** _ 10:39pm _

You worked all day didn’t you?

**Fenris** _ 10:42pm _

It’s my day, I’ll do what I want with it.

**Anders** _ 10:45pm _

Promise me you’ll go out on Halloween and not be a shut in

**Fenris** _ 10:47pm _

I’ll do my best, won’t make any guarantees.

***

Halloween arrived and for the first time in memory, Fenris wanted nothing to do with it. He spent the day sequestered away in the university library, drowning himself in the list of books Solas had asked him to look through. He was so wrapped up in his work, it wasn’t until his eyes began to water that he realized it was well past five in the evening.

 

Once back in his hotel, he considered going to the corner store, buying a bottle of cheap rum and drinking himself to sleep when there was a swift knock on the door. He grumbled to himself, hoping it wasn’t the professor looking to drag him out to some ridiculous party the faculty was likely having. Solas had hinted a few times that it might be good for him to get out. He respected the professor’s opinion, but at the same time wished he would keep it to himself--at least in regards to his social life.

“Hey there, Grumpy Cat,” Anders said brightly as Fenris opened the door. He was dressed in his college hockey jersey, with a goalie mask perched on top of his head. “Here put this on.”

Fenris caught the shirt and examined it. It was a navy blue hockey jersey with bronze trim on the sleeves and hem. A griffon rampant enclosed within an unjoined circle across the front and the number five was on the back. “What is this?”

“My old hockey jersey. Now before you object, I want you to know the last person to wear that was Karl.”

“Anders…”

“Dude, it’s Halloween, which if memory serves me right has always been important to you. I’m not gonna let you sit here alone and wallow. We’re going out and getting hammered.”

Fenris leaned his head against the door jam and laughed quietly to himself. “So if I’m Grumpy Cat who are you?”

“Nyan Cat; I’m surprised you have to ask.”

***

“Hey can I get a double whiskey on the rocks and a rum and coke?” Anders asked the bartender once he was able to make his way through the throng of drunken party goers. They had spent the better part of the evening hopping from tavern, to pub, to bar. Each time they would order a drink, find a corner, and make scathing comments about the costumes. 

He saw Fenris out of the corner of his eye and it appeared he was throwing off the advances of a rather attractive looking redhead. He caught the end of their conversation as he made his way over to them.

“I love those tattoos,” she murmured, apparently oblivious to the indifference Fenris was showing her. “How far do they go?”

“Oh all over his body, I can assure you,” Anders piped up behind her. The woman turned in surprise and fixed him with a scathing look. “Rum and coke for you love.”

Fenris grinned and took his drink. Anders snaked his free arm around Fenris’s waist and planted a kiss on his cheek. “What do you say we get out of here after we’re finished?”

“I think I’d like that,” Fenris replied leaning his head against him. The redhead raised her eyebrows at them but said nothing further before turning away. “I get the feeling we could have asked her to join us.”

“Feeling? I know she would have,” Anders remarked before unwrapping himself from Fenris and letting out a dejected sigh. “We are fucked, you know that right?”

“I like you, but I wasn’t really hoping for the night to go that way," Fenris said with a laugh, giving him a gentle punch on the arm.

“You know what I mean. We’re young, single, and very much the best looking men here, if I do say so myself.”

“Naturally.”

“My point is we could have probably any woman in this bar; yet we’re content to just drink together and ignore every overture made at us.”

“You can’t choose who you love.”

“If you could choose, would it still be her?”

Fenris looked at him solemnly and nodded. “In any life it would be her.”

***

**Hawke** _ 10:34am _

Hey, did you have a good time last night?

**Cullen** _ 11:12am _

That band you introduced me to, VNV Nation, I spent the whole night listening to their discography. I haven’t slept

**Hawke** _ 11:39am _

Are you serious? Dude that’s awesome, next you should try out Apoptygma Berzerk

**Cullen** _ 12:03pm _

That sounds made up

**Hawke** _ 12:10pm _

Yes well there’s also Imperative Reaction, Assemblage 23, and Covenant

**Cullen** _ 12:13pm _

Again, I think you’re making up half of these

**Hawke** _ 12:17pm _

Nope, trust me I’ll have you in all black by the end of the year if this keeps up

**Cullen** _ 12:20pm _

I’ll be sure to buy combat boots and some black eyeliner

**Hawke** _ 12:25pm _

Boots sure, but eyeliner would look terrible on you. Now about your hair

**Cullen** _ 12:27pm _

I changed my mind, this music sucks, and I never want to listen to it or dance to it again

***

Anders woke up to the feeling of someone poking him repeatedly on the forehead. He lashed out at whoever it was with a weak punch, hearing a grunt as his fist made contact with what felt like someone’s face. He was then promptly shoved off the bed onto his ass.

“What the fuck?” he yelled out, scrambling to his feet. Fenris was sitting on the bed, rubbing his nose. “What the hell was that for?”

“You punched me,” Fenris growled.

“You were poking me in the head!”

“Didn’t know how else to wake you up.”

“A simple ‘Hey Anders, wake up’ might have done the job!”

“You were hogging the covers all night; I didn’t feel like being nice. That and you spooned me repeatedly.”

Anders laughed and shook his head. “What can I say? I’m a cuddler.”

“You’re a smotherer is more like it.”

Anders went looking for his phone while Fenris turned on the TV. “Don’t you have work or something?”

“Professor sent me a text last night saying I could have today off. I can only assume he went to some Halloween party with the staff last night.”

“Not a bad boss to have.”

 

Fenris nodded in agreement. Anders found his phone in his pants pocket and looked through the slew of messages sent to him by Isabela. She had stated repeatedly to him that Halloween just wouldn’t be the same without him. He smiled at the pictures of her, Varric, and Merrill. He idly wondered where Hawke had been when the question was answered by the last picture: Hawke standing with…was that Cullen?

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” he yelled out loud, drawing Fenris’s attention to him. He was so caught up in the desire to call Hawke immediately and demand an explanation he didn’t see that Fenris had come to stand behind him. He heard a quick intake of breath and turned to see a crestfallen look appear on his friends face. “I’m sure it’s not what it looks like.”

Fenris shook his head. “She is free to do as she wishes, Anders. I lost all rights to--”

“No, no that is bullshit and you know it. You don’t just move on from the kind of relationship the two of you had. Especially not with that guy!”

“Why, who is that?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about Cullen the Golden Boy. You did deck him that one time.”

“Was that who I punched?” Fenris asked in disbelief. “That night’s a bit of a blur to me.”

“Yes, you decked him; and despite his turn around when the truth was made clear, I still think he’s an ass. She knows I think he’s an ass. I never should have left Kirkwall. Everything has gone to shit. I should call her and….”

“No, don’t do that. She’ll think you’re doing it for me.”

“I am!”

“Exactly, and I don’t want anyone taking sides,” Fenris said calmly. “That’s why I’ve only told you what happened between us. No one else knows except Merrill, Beth, and Carver.”

“If Beth knows then Sebastian knows,” Anders added.

“Possibly,” Fenris shrugged. “The less anyone knows the better I think.”

Fenris sighed and pulled on a pair of jeans and grabbed his wallet. “I’m gonna hit the corner deli and get us coffee and breakfast. Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.”

Anders watched him leave and waited until he was sure he heard the elevator down the hall ding. Fenris would thank him for this in the long run. He dialed Hawke’s number and waited.

“Hey Anders, missed you last night,” her voice came over the line cheerfully.

“Oh I don’t know, seems to me you had more than enough company,” Anders seethed.

“What are you talking about?” she replied with genuine confusion.

“Isabela sent me some pictures last night. I never realized you had a thing for tall, blonde, and douchey.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake really Anders?”

“Yes really, you picked him as a rebound? I can’t believe you moved on that quickly.”

He heard Hawke sniffle on the other end of the line and knew he had gone too far. “Hawke…I…wait.”

“I can’t believe you would think that of me,” she said with an obvious tremor in her voice.

“I…listen.”

“No you listen! I am not seeing Cullen. I am not seeing anyone. And if I was,  _ you--of all people _ \--have no right to judge me at all. Do you understand that?”

“That was low,” Anders replied darkly.

“So was coming after me the way you did just now. I will have you know that Cullen is my coworker. I got a job at Gallows Grill and he’s the bartender there. We became friends. And guess what, he still feels like an ass for what happened. He’s asked me repeatedly how you are doing.”

“Apparently Orlais doesn’t believe in lunch after eleven in the morning so I grabbed some sandwiches and...” Fenris’s voice sounded behind him and Anders heard Hawke gasp on the other end of the line. He stared at Fenris with a guilty look on his face.

“You’re with him?” Hawke asked quietly.

“Yes,” Anders replied. Fenris glared at him and dropped the bag onto the table.

“I’m going to have a smoke,” he growled before walking out of the room.

“He’s smoking again?” Hawke asked, her voice still wavering.

“You’d know that if you tried talking to him.”

“I know…damn it I know,” she said with a sigh.

 

“Then why aren’t you?”

“Because I’m not ready, Anders.”

“So what then? Are you just going to forget he exists? What happens when he comes back?”

“I don’t know. Just do me a favor will you?”

“What?”

“Tell him ‘Happy Birthday’ for me.”

“You should tell him that yourself.”

“I know--I gotta go--bye Anders.”

***

Fenris waited ten minutes before walking back inside. He was furious with Anders for doing exactly what he had asked him not to do. It would only cause more problems and was likely to hurt any chance of reconciliation between himself and Hawke. As he headed down the hallway he realized he was also angry that Anders could just pick up the phone and call her on a whim. He could speak to her whenever he wanted; she still deigned to speak to him. Anders looked up at him sheepishly when he walked in. The bag of food sat untouched on the table.

“I’m sorry,” he began. “I should have waited until I got home.”

“I understand that you did it for me, but…if she wants to move on that is her choice.”

“She hasn’t; they’re friends, nothing more.”

“They are?” Fenris asked, feeling a weight leave his chest. “You’re sure?”

“Definitely, and she asked me to tell you something.”

“What?”

“She said to wish you a happy birthday.”

Fenris laughed quietly and pulled the sandwiches from the bag. He threw one to Anders and sat down. It was probably the worst sandwich he had ever eaten in his life, yet it tasted better than anything he had eaten in months. He felt a flutter in his chest and realized it was a glimmer of hope. She still cared.

 

[](http://imgur.com/oaf9mXK)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Progress! Well sort of.
> 
> I have to say it has been so hard to stick to the update schedule. I have 13 chapters completed and I want so badly to just upload them and share them with everyone. But I know that the backlog is my friend, it will protect me from falling victim to no updates because of writers block.
> 
> Thank you to my betas broody, emma, and ranna
> 
> So fun fact about the hockey jersey. I got a message from safehappyfenris on tumblr asking me what Anders high school hockey mascot was because they wanted to draw a logo for it. I told them it was the Kinloch Hold Griffons and they did the rest of the work. I absolutely loved the art and decided to find a way to incorporate it into the story as a way of saying thank you.


	6. Chapter 6

Fenris stared down at the empty wine glass in his hand and sighed. It was his second one of the evening and he had been at the party less than an hour. He was going to need to either slow down, or find something to do other than drink. He should never have accepted the professor’s invitation. In the end, he thought it might have been preferable to order take out and watch bad movies in his hotel room. Instead he was spending Thanksgiving at a fancy dinner party, hosted by one of Professor Harellan’s friends.

The butler at the door was the first clue that he was way in over his head. The drawing room they were escorted to looked like a set from a movie. Artwork hung on the walls, a fire roared in a marble fireplace, even the chairs and couches looked like they cost more than he made in his life.

“Solas, my dear, so pleased to see you.” The hostess smiled warmly as she approached them. She walked with grace, and the spike heels she wore had her eye level with the professor. Her deep brown skin was flawless, no hint whatsoever to her age, and her ebony hair was shorn close to her scalp. After greeting the professor, her eagle-sharp eyes turned to him and he felt as though he was being dissected piece by piece.

“Solas, you haven’t been polite enough to introduce me to your guest.”

“My apologies; Vivienne, this is Fenris Bellator, my research assistant for the tour. Fenris, this is Vivienne De Fer.”

“Pleasure to meet you, ma’am,” Fenris said politely, extending his hand. She did not attempt a show of strength with a firm handshake, but merely allowed him to hold her fingers for one moment before smiling.

“Vivienne is fine, my dear, no need to be so formal. Drinks?”

The professor had been whisked away to meet other guests and Fenris was left by himself in a corner. The only saving grace was the ample supply of Agreggio he spotted at the bar. Though after the dry look was given by the bartender when requesting his second glass, he thought it best to hold out on having a third so soon.

“Who else is drinking the Pavali?” a boisterous voice demanded. Fenris’s head snapped over to the bar. The bartender was pointing at him and he groaned, realizing that he might have committed a faux pas without even realizing it. The loud voice seemed to belong to a gentleman with the most impressive moustache he had ever seen. The man’s black hair contrasted with the tan of his skin and he walked towards him with such purpose that Fenris feared for his safety for a moment.

“I need to shake the hand of the man with taste. Dorian Pavus,” he said, excitedly shaking Fenris’s hand. “No one, I repeat, no one at these parties ever appreciates a good Tevinter vintage. Five years I have been attending Vivienne’s parties and have seen those sad bottles go unopened.”

“Fenris Bellator; nice to meet you sir,” Fenris replied shakily. Aside from Krem, he’d rarely met anyone from Tevinter since he had left. Hearing the accent again brought back memories both good and bad.

“A fellow Vint! This is going to be a better day than I could have hoped for,” Dorian replied with a wide smile. Apparently oblivious to Fenris’s discomfort. “Bellator...that name sounds familiar. What part of Tevinter did you say you were from?”

“Dorian, don’t interrogate the boy. He’s a guest of Solas. Don’t let him corner you so you can hear him ramble about the glories of the home country,” Vivienne interjected and Fenris breathed a sigh of relief. The fewer questions he would have to answer about himself the better. “Tell me, where is that strapping young man you brought with you to my dinner party last month?”

Dorian sighed, “At home with the family that pretends I don’t exist.”

“Mother and Father don’t approve, I take it?” Vivienne inquired gently. Fenris could see she was steering Dorian into a new conversation, freeing him to walk away if he so chose.

“I hardly seek approval; acknowledgment would be more than enough.”

“I’m sure if they met you just once, that sparkling personality would certainly loosen the stick they have up their ass,” Vivienne jested and Fenris snorted so hard he nearly dropped his wine glass. “Ah there we go; I managed to make a joke and elicit a new facial expression from you.”

“Fenris is a man of many emotions when you give him the right topic to speak about,” Solas added, joining them. He handed Fenris another glass of wine and winked before passing the empty one to a nearby server.

“Solas, I didn’t think I would see you this year. You missed the garden party over the summer,” Dorian said coolly. Fenris noticed a change in the professor’s stance: his back straightened and he held his chin high.

“Far too busy with preparations for the tour,” Solas intoned carefully.

“Ah yes, the world tour of colleges. Never thought I’d see you do one again, after how the last one ended.”

“Gentlemen, you know the rules: no snide comments until after dinner,” Vivienne chastised. She took Solas by the arm and guided him away, speaking of a novel she wanted to show him in the library, leaving Fenris at the mercy of Dorian once again.

“Sorry to expose you to that. I do try not to let my personal feelings be made public,” Dorian said.

“You do not like the professor?”

“I respect him as a colleague. I admire his work. But no, I do not like him,” Dorian replied calmly. The tension he exuded melting away with his declaration. “He was involved with a dear friend of mine. The rest need not be stated for you to understand, I am sure.”

Fenris nodded and did not press to hear more. He remembered his earlier conversation with the professor. There was even more to the story and he was sure it was not one he should be hearing.

“Now what say I give you enough of everyone’s backstories so you don’t flounder like a fish at dinner when talk turns to everyone’s wonderful accomplishments.”

Fenris laughed and let Dorian talk his ear off while more guests mingled in.

Vivienne was not only a successful author but also a well known designer. The house they were in was one of many she owned with her business partner and apparent lover, Bastien Ghislain. He recognized the name of her clothing line; Leandra was a fan. Dorian was a professor of theology and mythology and had published two books on Tevinter myths and legend. The subject of which brought him back full circle to the conversation Fenris had hoped would be forgotten.

“That’s why the name sounds so familiar!” he exclaimed suddenly. “Bellator, the wolf warrior, I knew I recognized that name. Truly an amazing story; I do believe there was a series of art pieces of the myth. The name escapes me right now though.”

The painting hung on the wall in the police chief’s office. A warrior striding forward, great sword held aloft over his shoulder. The wolf beside him splashed with the blood of fallen enemies. ‘Bellator Stands’ the piece was called, and he felt as though the man in the painting was speaking to him. Telling him the way forward.

“You mentioned wanting a different name when this is all said and done. We can use a database to find one that you like,” the officer said pulling him out of the reverie.

“I know the name I’d like already, sir,” he replied, still staring at the painting.

“And that is?”

“Fenris…Fenris Bellator.”

Fenris would never forget the name of the artist. They had changed his life, but he was not about to supply Dorian with that information. It was bad enough the man had realized his name was the same as a character from myth. He tried to think of a new subject to distract him with when Dorian groaned and Fenris looked to see where his gaze had been drawn. He felt his shoulders slump and his stomach drop; Morrigan Wilds had walked into the room.

“I see you have had the displeasure of meeting the Bitch of the Wilds,” Dorian remarked with a smirk. Fenris choked on his wine and needed to be patted on the back. “That answers my question completely.”

“I have had the displeasure, yes; she interviewed me for my job with the professor,” Fenris replied dryly.

“Please call him Solas, especially here,” Dorian quipped. “Given the way you said ‘interviewed’ I can imagine the sort of treatment you were given.”

“She was relentless.”

“That’s her default state, I’m afraid.”

They were soon ushered into a large dining room and Fenris found himself seated between Dorian and the professor, with Morrigan across from him. He steeled himself for what was surely going to become a disaster.

Fenris kept quiet throughout the dinner and focused more on the food in front of him. Vivienne was a gracious hostess and had spared next to no expense. Fenris found himself longing for a simple dinner--the one he knew Hawke and her family would be having. Quail eggs, lobster bisque, and foie gras, while delicious, did not give him the warm feeling he knew a home cooked meal would. Leandra and Hawke would have spent the day in the kitchen, wearing their aprons and laughing. Carver would be staying out of the way by occupying the couch and watching football. Beth, Isabela, Merrill and Varric would be popping in and out of the kitchen either helping or hindering. He laughed when he realized it would definitely be more of the latter. He regretted his sudden chuckle because it drew attention to him.

“Fenris, how are you enjoying the tour?” Morrigan inquired, leveling her eyes at him.

“I have enjoyed it greatly. Seeing the different sights—when I have the time of course.”

“Fenris has been very dutiful in his work; often times I have had to remind him he is allowed to have a day off once in awhile,” Solas added proudly, patting him on the shoulder.

“Solas, I had no idea you even knew what a day off was,” Dorian jibed with a smirk. Fenris felt the tension begin again and wished they had sat him anywhere else. He would rather sit next to Morrigan than be in between them in that moment.

“So I understand you’ll be off to the Anderfels after this,” Vivienne interjected before Solas could retort. “Only a few weeks left in the school year I imagine.”

“We will be at the University of Weisshaupt first week of December and then Nordotten College for the second. After that I will be giving Fenris a much needed break until January when we head to Skyhold University,” Solas replied and Fenris caught the look Morrigan shot him from across the table.

“Skyhold? I don’t remember that being on the itinerary,” Morrigan stated, a slight bite in her tone. “Seems given its location you would have been better served to have gone to Skyhold after your tour of Ferelden. You’re backtracking through Thedas when we specifically planned out this tour to prevent this.”

“Sadly, Skyhold could not accommodate us until January,” Solas explained before Morrigan cut him off.

“Then you should have skipped it; we are not in the business of catering to the whims of the faculty. If they wish you to lecture at their college they should work with the schedule provided,” she said her voice now low and dangerous.

“How long will you be at Skyhold?” Vivienne asked Fenris, speaking over Solas and Morrigan.

“Three weeks. The professor—Solas—has informed me their library will provide us with the bulk of the research needed for his book. I’m looking forward to it,” Fenris added, happy to bring the discussion elsewhere.

“Who is the head of the literary department there? Is it still Ameridan?” Morrigan pressed.

“No, he’s retiring at the end of the year,” Dorian informed her. “His replacement has caused quite the stir amongst the—”

“Ameridan isn’t retiring until next year, darling,” Vivienne corrected, fixing Dorian with a hard stare. “His successor has yet to be announced.”

“Are you quite sure?” Morrigan asked. Vivienne nodded and steered the conversation towards one of her guests, asking him about his plans for the holiday.

“Remind your dear professor to thank Madame De Fer for her timely intervention,” Dorian whispered in his ear. “If Morrigan knew who the new head of the literary department at Skyhold was, I daresay poor Solas’ tour might very well be cut short.”

“Why is that?” Fenris asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.

“Because the new head is Dara Lavellan. Solas’s former research assistant, student, and unfortunate lover.”

“Does the professor know?”

“Oh Fenris, how little you truly know about your boss.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still going strong with the writing so double postings it is!
> 
> I have really enjoyed writing this world and now I finally have the chance to write down all the little bits pieces I have head canoned. I will be telling Fenris's entire story, all the little parts of the puzzle that made him who he is. 
> 
> Dara Lavellan, oh let me tell you how fun it was coming up with a new name for that character. My Lavellan is actually named Quinn, yes I know how original. But I didn't want to use that name in the fic since it is my name here and on tumblr. So I did a little research and found a name that still has the same meaning as Quinn, which is 'wisdom'. 
> 
> You'll be meeting her soon enough and will find out more of her story as well. I have a lot of stories to tell and I hope you all enjoy learning more about everyone and how each person Fenris meets will help him find his way back to Hawke.
> 
> Thank you as always to Broody, Emma, and Ranna for beta and for listening to me ramble on about my different ideas.


	7. Chapter 7

**Fenris** _ 12:54pm _

I’m going to be back in Kirkwall for a few weeks

**Elle** _ 12:56pm _

I’ll get the guest room ready, don’t you dare tell me you’re planning on staying in a hotel.

**Fenris** _ 12:59pm _

Thank you Elle, really I was just letting you know I would be in town

**Elle** _ 1:01pm _

Did you honestly think you’d just come into town, stop by for lunch and be off?

**Fenris** _ 1:03pm _

I didn’t want to intrude on your holiday

**Elle** _ 1:05pm _

Rickard has just informed me that you are getting a smack on the back of the head. You’re part of the family, so you are not intruding. Dorothea will be so happy to hear you’ll be here for Christmas.

***

**Bethany** _ 4:45pm _

Is she going to be at the house at all for Christmas?

**Carver** _ 4:55pm _

I can only assume you are referring to Peaches. No, she and her family are going to Lydes to visit family. Are you ever going to like my girlfriend?

**Bethany** _ 4:59pm _

You’ve been “dating” for nearly two years and she has yet to show me anything to like

**Carver** _ 5:02pm _

You know I keep the things I dislike about Sebastian to myself because I know how much you like him

**Bethany** _ 5:04pm _

There isn’t anything you could possibly dislike about Sebastian

**Carver** _ 5:06pm _

Give me some time, I’ll make a list

***

**Cullen** _ 2:04pm _

Friday night shift just opened up, you get first grab at it

**Hawke** _ 2:07pm _

I’m leaving the day before to head back home

**Cullen** _ 2:10pm _

Oh right, I forgot FMU runs a few days ahead of Gallows

**Hawke** _ 2:12pm _

Give it to Serendipity, she’s been clamoring for extra shifts to get her daughter a dollhouse for Christmas

**Cullen** _ 2:14pm _

Where is home btw? Don’t think I have ever asked you

**Hawke** _ 2:16pm _

Lothering, what part of Ferelden are you from?

**Cullen** _ 2:18pm _

Honnleath, but I won’t be there for Christmas this year. Heading to Ostwick to spend time with Iris…and her family.

**Hawke** _ 2:20pm _

Ooh what fun!

**Cullen** _ 2:23pm _

Oh yes, hours of listening to her mother lecture her brother about his life choices is the epitome of a good time for me. Thankfully Christmas dinner is being hosted by her aunt and uncle who are much nicer people.

**Hawke** _ 2:35pm _

I can tell you some horror stories of holiday dinners at home if you need a good comparison

**Cullen** _ 2:37pm _

Unless it involved an entire bottle of wine being hurled at someone I daresay you’ve got nothing to compare it to.

**Hawke** _ 2:39pm _

No but I did walk in on my brother screwing his girlfriend the day before thanksgiving one year. His ass still haunts my dreams

**Cullen** _ 2:42pm _

That’s…wow

***

**Hawke** _ 9:34am _

Why aren’t you here yet?

**Bethany** _ 10:02am _

My flight comes in tomorrow, you knew this already

**Hawke** _ 10:03am _

But I am here and you are not

**Bethany** _ 10:05am _

I wonder what that feels like? :P

**Hawke** _ 10:07am _

How can you be so mean to the person who always looked after you and made your life shining and bright?

**Bethany** _ 10:09am _

I’m sorry mom I thought I was texting Marian

**Hawke** _ 10:12am _

Oh you know what, just for that I am not making macaroons this year

**Bethany** _ 10:14am _

All right I’ll just buy some at the grocery store. Who needs fresh baked macaroons anyway?

**Hawke** _ 10:16am _

You come into my house!!!

***

**Isabela** _ 8:45pm _

Bad news, I can’t come down for Christmas. Jethann broke his leg, I’ve got no one else to manage the café.

**Merrill** _ 8:49pm _

Oh no! Is he going to be ok?

**Isabela** _ 8:52pm _

Hope so, told him to rest and to not try and come back until he’s all patched up.

**Merrill** _ 8:56pm _

What did he do?

**Isabela** _ 8:59pm _

Oh the usual, met a guy, pretended to have the same interests and failed spectacularly. This time it was a pro-snowboarder

**Merrill** _ 9:02pm _

Oh goodness, poor Jethann

**Isabela** _ 9:04pm _

That’s what he gets for using the internet to meet people

**Merrill** _ 9:06pm _

Not everyone can just walk into a bar, smile and have phone numbers thrown at them

**Isabela** _ 9:08pm _

It is both a gift and a curse

***

**Hawke** _ 10:04am _

I assume you will be staying up in Kirkwall as well this year?

**Varric** _ 10:06am _

Yeah, can’t leave my best friend all by herself. Who knows the sort of trouble she would get into

**Hawke** _ 10:08am _

We both know the answer, we’ve seen the evidence

**Varric** _ 10:10am _

I have it on good authority that she walked into that bar without pants on in the first place

**Hawke** _ 10:12am _

Yes but she walked out wearing someone else’s shirt

***

**Isabela** _ 6:09pm _

You broody, sneaky little shit!!!

**Fenris** _ 6:10pm _

Hello to you too

**Isabela** _ 6:12pm _

So there I was driving through Lowtown and who do I see inside the diner?

**Fenris** _ 6:14pm _

What are you doing in Kirkwall?

**Isabela** _ 6:17pm _

I live here! What are you doing in Kirkwall??

**Fenris** _ 6:19pm _

I have a two week break for the holidays. So I came back here. Why aren’t you in Lothering?

**Isabela** _ 6:21pm _

Jethann broke his leg, I didn’t have anyone else I trusted to run the place. Why didn’t you tell me you would be back???

**Fenris** _ 6:23pm _

Because you had your plans with Hawke, I didn’t want to interfere.

**Isabela** _ 6:27pm _

One day I am going to weasel the truth out of one of you, then maybe I can stop feeling like I’m reading a book that’s missing chapters

*******

**Anders** _ 6:34am _

Good morning and Merry Christmas

**Isabela** _ 6:39am _

Was that you calling just now?

**Anders** _ 6:42am _

It might have been yes

**Isabela** _ 6:44am _

Are you aware of what time it is?

**Anders** _ 6:47am _

I am very aware, you should answer your doorbell

***

**Isabela** _ 10:03am _

*image sent*

Look what Santa dropped off for me?

**Hawke** _ 10:05am _

All I got was socks

**Isabela** _ 10:07am _

I told you it pays to be naughty

***

Bethany watched her sister as she navigated through the living room in a desperate attempt to reach the kitchen, laughing when she tripped over a ball of wrapping paper that Carver shot at her feet. Marian raised her hands in victory when her feet finally landed on the tile floor.

“Marian, bring me a cup when you come back, please,” her mother called out. “Put a touch of Baileys in there while you’re at it.”

“Hitting the sauce early, mom?” she yelled back.

“Tis the season.”

She locked eyes with Bethany and made a show of rolling her eyes before opening the fridge to pull out the bottle. She had the bottle in hand and used her hip to shut the door which knocked a stack of papers free of their magnet. Bethany jumped up to help her clean up and was glad she did. Amongst the papers was an envelope marked…

**_Return to Sender: No longer at this address_ **

**_Fenris Bellator_ **

**_Room 508 c/o Nordotten Villas_ **

Bethany felt her blood boil just seeing his name—that asshole! The jerk that came into her sister’s life, only to break her heart—twice. Obviously, Marian never told their mother what happened. Otherwise she wouldn’t be sending him letters or whatever the hell it was that was in her hand. She waited for the right moment to pull her mother aside and get the answers. That moment came when her sister, in a fit of giggles, spilled half her cup of coffee all down the front of her shirt. The other half sadly ended up landing on Sebastian, who had the unfortunate luck of sitting on the floor in front of her.

“All right then, I guess that means it’s time to shower,” she declared pulling the fabric away from her chest. “This is what happens when you put the Baileys in the coffee early, Mom.”

Sebastian remarked that he would like a chance to get cleaned up as well and followed her out. 

“Marian, do not have Sebastian use the guest bathroom. He can use mine,” Leandra called to them.

“What is the point of calling it the guest bath when you don’t let guests use it?” Hawke countered back. Sebastian made her laugh with a comment about fancy pants getting fancy bathrooms.

Bethany waited to hear the sounds of their footsteps above her before calling her mother into the kitchen. “Mom, what is this?” she said, holding up the envelope with an accusatory look on her face.

Leandra walked into the kitchen and took the envelope from her hands. “Fenris’ Christmas card, I had hoped to get it to him before he left.”

Bethany crossed her arms over her chest. “Mom, I don’t know if you know but…”

“Fenris is the boy she met at summer camp,” Leandra finished for her. “I know, your sister told me.”

“And you’re sending him Christmas cards?” Bethany asked furiously. “You’re okay with that?”

“Bethany, am I supposed to hate him for a mistake he made years ago? I did not know that boy, I only knew the young man who came into my home and was polite, kind, and if I remember, very good to my daughter.”

“Good to her? He took her virginity and ran off!”

“Yes, he was very good to her,” Leandra replied. “He came all the way from Kirkwall at a moment's notice to be here when Merrill said she needed a friend. Have you forgotten that horrible summer where none of us were speaking to one another? Did you think I would forget that?”

“No I haven’t forgotten that, but I, unlike you, remember the months she spent waiting for him to write. Crying every time the mailbox didn’t have a single letter from him.”

“Because his foster father burned the book that she put her address in!’ Carver interrupted suddenly, his voice raised. Bethany was shocked into sudden silence and looked to see Carver looming in the doorway.

“Carver, when did you find that out?” Leandra asked.

“When I went to see him when he was staying in Denerim. We talked about…all this a little bit. He wanted to write, but his foster father was a piece of work, burned the book as soon as he got home.”

“How did you even know he was there?” Bethany inquired with a bite in her tone.

“I told him,” Merrill piped up, squeezing past Carver into the kitchen. “Isabela got his hotel information and we gave it to Carver.”

“So, what then? You’re on his side?” Bethany accused, jabbing her finger at them.

“There is no side to be on,” Merrill pleaded.

“I disagree,” she said, her arms folded across her chest. “Marian has every right to be angry at him. I don’t see how any of you can just act as if he did nothing wrong.”

“Well, from what Carver has just informed us, seems to me he didn’t actually do anything wrong,” Merrill added. “It wasn’t his fault.”

“He knew her name; he knew she lived in Ferelden. He could have tried to find her again,” Bethany retorted. “But he didn’t, so as far as I am concerned he deserves all the anger Marian wants to have against him.”

“How can you be so one sided about this? Don’t you believe in second chances?” Carver riposted.

“It’s Christmas, can we not have a fight on Christmas?” Leandra pleaded.

“I don’t know Mother, seems to me that Carver and Merrill took it upon themselves to go behind Marian’s back, and I for one would like to know why!” Bethany shot back.

“Enough!” Hawke yelled out, walking into the room. “Damn it all of you, just shut the fuck up!”

“Marian!” Leandra scolded.

“Why are you talking about this? Why are the sordid details of my life being argued about when I’m not even there to defend myself?”

“Hawke,” Merrill began, her voice soft and full of apologies.

“This is why I haven’t told Isabela and Varric, I didn’t want people speculating behind my back, or his for that matter.” Hawke shied away from her mother’s attempts at a hug, digging the heel of her hand into her eye to stop the tears from flowing. “Do you understand that this is all too much for me? I don’t hate him, I could never hate him. But I don’t know him anymore. That’s why I don’t want to talk to him.”

“Avoiding him and treating him like a pariah isn’t going to help you get to know him any better,” Carver stated, his tone almost bitter. Merrill nodded solemnly in agreement.

“You know what Carver, if I thought you actually had anything useful to tell me when it comes to this I would have asked you.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me; your girlfriend is a dumb as nails bimbo who’s only stuck around because you’re a pretty boy. You have nothing to share with me that is of any substance.”

“Hawke!” Merrill admonished.

“Fuck you, Marian,” Carver growled.

“No fuck you, Carver, fuck you for going behind my back. Fuck you for not being just a little bit pissed at him. You’re my fucking brother!”

“If you gave a damn about me being your brother I wouldn’t have had to hear about what happened from Bethany! You didn’t care enough about me to tell me, why the fuck should I care that it happened!”

“Enough!” Leandra yelled. “Honestly, it’s Christmas!”

“Fuck this!” Carver yelled throwing his hands up in exasperation. “I have never been good enough for either of you,” he accused pointing a finger at his sisters. “It’s always been the two of you sharing secrets and being each other’s best friend. I’m out of here.”

Leandra chased after her son, pleading with him to stay. “Carver!”

“I’ll come back when they go home!”

“What in the world happened while I was in the shower?” Sebastian asked, coming down the stairs toweling his hair.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for all the unhappiness in the early chapters of this work. It seems with every new post I bring the mood down further and further. Thank you for sticking around though, I promise you happier times are coming.
> 
> Broody, Emma, and Ranna as always thank you


	8. Chapter 8

**_To: F.Bellator@kirkwall.net_ **

**_From : Prof.Harellan@FMU.edu_ **

**_Subject : Changed Itinerary_ **

**_Fenris, due to circumstances I have been forced to move our schedule up a week. I have already called ahead and adjusted your ticket departure and arrival. I need you departing on the 9am flight from Kirkwall to Skyhold on January 2_ ** **_nd_ ** **_. Thank you._ **

**_Solas_ **

Fenris had read that email with a sigh of relief. Despite the joy of spending the holidays with the Gents and the surprise visit from Anders, he had found his brief homecoming to be bittersweet. The city no longer felt like it belonged to him as it used to. Every street brought back a memory of her. Kirkwall belonged to his past as much as anything else; it was time to start thinking of leaving it behind for good.

Solas was waiting for him at his departure gate and they shared pleasantries, asking the usual questions about the holidays, but Fenris could tell there was something the professor wanted to share. They had a few hours before their lodgings would be ready for them. Solas had managed to get them extended-stay suites close to the college. Fenris would have an actual kitchen again and would not need to waste his money on take out and microwavable food. So they found a café close by and once their meals were ordered Solas cleared his throat indicating he needed Fenris’s full attention.

“I want to make something very clear to you,” he began solemnly. “I know you shared some words with Mr. Pavus at Miss De Fer’s little gathering. Some words about myself and things from my past.”

“Sir, I swear, I said nothing about…” he was silenced with a quick hand gesture.

“I know, Fenris, and I thank you for that. No I am referring to Mr. Pavus blatantly giving out the details of my previous relationship with Professor Lavellan, who you will be meeting tomorrow. Dorian is very close friends with Professor Lavellan, so he tends to be very one sided with his opinion of me.”

“He told me you were aware of her promotion, that…that there were things I didn’t know about you,” Fenris replied almost sheepishly. He respected Solas very much and actually felt ashamed that he had allowed Dorian to color his opinion at all. Who cared if the professor used to be involved with someone? It wasn’t his business to know these things. The past was always best left where it was.

“I was aware that she would be given the promotion—next year,” Solas informed him brusquely. “Professor Ameridan decided to retire sooner than planned. I’m not clear on the details but I am quite sure his wife had something to do with it. In any case I want you to know that my previous involvement has no bearing on the time we are spending here.”

“I didn’t think it did, sir.”

“No, but others will. And they will question you I’m sure.”

“Morrigan,” Fenris surmised out loud.

Solas chuckled, “Indeed.”

***

Skyhold University looked more like a castle than a college. Fenris stood in awe, marveling at its intricate beauty and its sheer size. He had thought Gallows U was the largest college he had ever seen. Skyhold made it look like a community college.

“Marvelous, isn’t it?” Solas asked him with a smile. “My Alma Mater, just how I have always remembered it.”

“You attended Skyhold?”

“Yes, though back then it was called Skyhold College, I always wish my Master’s could say Skyhold as well.”

Solas and he parted ways shortly after entering the main hall. He showed Fenris the directory and pointed out where the literature department was located.

“I have some colleagues I would like to see. Go ahead and check in with Professor Lavellan and I will meet you there shortly.”

Fenris suspected that perhaps Solas wanted some time to compose himself before seeing his former lover again. Were he in the same position he knew he would want a moment to himself before facing Hawke, if he ever got to face her again. 

He sighed to himself, feeling the anger come back. As of late, thinking of Hawke only served to upset him, as he had not heard a word from her since the debacle with Anders. Both Christmas and New Year’s passed by and all he got from her was silence. Knowing full well she was texting the very people he was with only fueled the bitterness. Perhaps Solas was right, the past truly was better off left where it was.

He found the literature department easily enough, and the maintenance man scraping the name off the door told him which office he needed.

The first room of the office was empty but he could hear voices coming from a second room. An array of boxes was scattered about, with more books than Fenris could even fathom owning. He caught sight of a woman as he entered the second room.  She was pale and petite, her black hair tied up and held in place with two—no—three pens. She wore a navy skirt and a white button up shirt, with simple black pumps.

“Professor Lavellan?” he asked and she turned round to face him. Soft green eyes looked at him, puzzled, before she let out a laugh.

“Dara it happened again, someone thinks I’m you,” she called out and Fenris heard a chuckle from an adjoining room. There were sounds of boxes being shifted and a light grunt.

“That’s because you dress like a librarian,” the voice called out.

“I am a librarian,” the girl, who he now realized looked far too young to be a dean, called back.

“Iris, you are a college student who volunteers at the library. Try dressing like a college student and people will stop mistaking you for a professor,” the voice said before finally the person it belonged to entered the room. “Hello, what can I do for you?”

She looked at him expectantly and realized he was staring at her. It was hard not to look away; she was finely featured, slim and waifish with the air of a dancer... or possibly a gymnast. Her sharp green eyes behind coal-black lashes—as cliché as it was—reminded him of gemstones, and her red hair complimented her fair skin in a way that suggested she chose it for that purpose.

“Professor Lavellan?” he asked.

“The one and only,” she replied impatiently. She was dressed simply, jeans and a loose black sweatshirt. “Oh I know who you are.”

“Fenris Bellator,” he said clearing his throat. “Professor Harellan’s research assistant.”

Professor Lavellan laughed heartily before giving him another look over. Her eyes lingered over the tattoos that trailed up his throat and over his chin. He was used to people staring at them, what he wasn’t used to was feeling absolutely naked when they did. “Fenris was it?”

Fenris nodded and caught sight of the other woman out of the corner of his eye. She was holding back a giggle. He was close to demanding to know what was so funny when there was a light cough behind him.

“Hello Dara,” Solas said quietly. Professor Lavellan grinned and gave Fenris a wink before walking forward to hug Solas. 

“It’s been too long, lethallan,” the professor murmured as he embraced her.

“Only because you’ve lived longer than me, hahren.”

“Perfunctory as always.”

“You taught me well.”

“Lunch?”

“Already had it.”

“Dinner?”

“Seven.”

“Perfect.”

“Shall I take you on a tour of the department then? I’m afraid I don’t have the materials at the moment for us to plan out your lectures but I can at least show you around the new lecture halls,” she said extending an arm out to him. “Iris, show Fenris around, won’t you.”

Fenris watched open mouthed as Solas and Dara departed, laughing like a pair of very old friends. He supposed that’s what they were in the end. Their former relationship didn’t even seem to cause either of them to bat an eye.

“Hi, I’m Iris Trevelyan, Dara’s TA. I guess I should show you to the library,” the girl piped up once the professors had left the room. He nodded and followed her through the hallways, his mind still reeling from what he had witnessed between Solas and Dara.

_ It looked so easy. They just let the past go and embraced as friends. Was our friendship so meaningless that she can’t even send me one god damn… _

“So as I was saying if you need my help at…”

“I think I know how to navigate a library Miss Trevelyan,” Fenris snapped. He regretted it almost immediately. Iris already looked like a slip of a girl, and his tone of voice made her look even younger as she stared at him wide eyed. Yet in almost an instant her face took on one of ambivalence.

“Very well then Mr. Bellator, I will leave you to it,” she said, flipping her hair as she strode away from him. He watched her walk away and knew he had made a mistake. He was letting his emotions get the better of him…again.

Rather than explore the library as he had planned he decided instead to give himself a tour of the college on his own. If he happened to pass back by the literature department he’d pop his head in and give his apologies to Iris. As luck would have it—no, he did not specifically take a route that brought him back—he passed by near the tail end of his self guided tour. The maintenance man had finished up and proudly displayed across the doors was:

**_Dara Lavellan – Dean of Literature_ **

The thought brought a smile to his face. Dara had been in the same position as he was now. Even with the dissolution of her relationship with Solas, she still moved forward and became the dean at one of the most prestigious schools in Thedas. Getting this job would be his ticket to starting a new life once it was all said and done. He may never need to return to Kirkwall again if he chose not to.

He spotted her as soon as he walked in. Her feet were propped up on the desk and she had a book held up in front of her.

“Miss Trevelyan,” he began. She lowered the book and Fenris saw that it was not Iris. She was blonde for one, and even from a sitting position he could see she was taller. “I’m sorry; I was looking for Miss Trevelyan.”

“I’m Miss Trevelyan,” she said matter of factly, shifting her feet and sitting up straight. There was a grunt behind him and he turned suddenly to see another woman behind him. She had bright teal hair and was lifting one of the boxes he had seen strewn about the floor. She hoisted it with one arm and hefted it onto her shoulder. She walked toward him with an imposing swagger and extended out her hand.

“I’m Miss Trevelyan,” she said, grasping his hand in a vice grip handshake that he swore cracked his knuckles. He stared at both of them in open mouthed silence before hearing a light snort. Iris walked in from the second room and went to stand next to the blonde at the desk; the teal haired one put down the box and came to stand next to Iris. All three of them stared him down.

“So that’s him?”

“Yup.”

“You’re right, he does look like the grumpy type.”

“Told you.”

“Those tattoos go all over I bet.”

“How long do you think it took? Do you think he liked it?”

“Some people like pain, hence why they get the tattoos.”

“Judging from the amount he has, I would say multiple sessions.”

“So by that logic yes he likes pain.”

“All right so it’s settled, he likes pain.”

“Oh good, you’ve met the rest of the triplets,” a bright voice chirped up from behind him making him nearly jump out of his skin. He wasn’t entirely sure what just happened, only that the three women had talked circles around him and he could feel a headache coming on. Dara walked in and gave a fist bump to the teal haired woman and a hug to the blonde.

“The triplets?” Fenris asked though he was pretty sure he was not going to like what he heard.

“Yes, the Trevelyan Triplets as they are so affectionately known,” Dara answered and the three women gave identical beaming smiles. “You met Iris, and this is Alyx and Emma,” she gestured to the teal and the blonde respectively.

“We’ve only just met him.”

“But we’re looking forward to getting to know him”

“After all, he’ll be here for a month.”

“And goodness knows Iris is one of the few who knows where every book in this entire building is located.”

“Too true, it would be quite pertinent to be friendly with her.”

“Otherwise he might not get any work done.”

“I certainly hope he is amenable to being friendly.”

“Oh, I think he will learn to be.”

Fenris watched in dumb silence as the three women walked past him, each with a nod and a smile. Dara chuckled quietly and all Fenris could think to himself was…

_ What the fuck just happened? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the Trevelyan Triplets have made their debut. I hope you enjoy their presence. 
> 
> Having Fenris be away from home gave me the opportunity to add in other characters and give him the chance to make friends outside of Kirkwall. The girls will definitely give him a run for his money.
> 
> This is where I usually say thank you to my betas and of course they have my thanks. I want to extend thanks as well to the people who comment regularly. Part 3 has been giving me some trouble as far as confidence in myself goes, so for those of you who continue to give me feedback thank you.


	9. Chapter 9

“I still can’t believe I missed Anders,” Hawke lamented, taking a small sip from her glass. She had an early shift the next day and didn’t want to run the risk of a hangover. In truth, she had planned to stay home that evening, but Isabela had cornered her and demanded a girls’ night. “Given the way New Years went I should have just come back earlier.”

“Why, what happened on New Year’s?” Isabela asked from the kitchen.

“Oh the usual, Carver and I got into a fight on Christmas and it extended into the rest of the week.”

“What in the world did you two have a fight about?”

Hawke choked on her words for a moment. Merrill shot her a dubious look from across the table. One that screamed  _ you’re going to have to tell her eventually _ . “The usual stupid shit that happens between siblings. I’m sure he and I will make amends soon enough.”

Merrill narrowed her eyes and shook her head, Hawke shot her a look back that said  _ when I’m ready, damn it. _

She and Merrill engaged themselves in a war of facial gestures.

_ She’s our friend, she should know. _

_ The less anyone knows the better. _

_ Keeping secrets helps no one. _

_ Stop looking at me like that! _

“What in the world are you two doing?” Isabela questioned, walking back into the room with a bowl of chips.

“Practicing telepathy; according to one of my professors some people can speak without words if they have a good enough relationship,” Merrill commented, shooting Hawke one final  _ just let it out already. _

“Where are the pictures from New Years? Did Varric go all out again?” Hawke asked, making a point not to look directly at Merrill anymore. Isabela set her laptop down on the table and clicked open the photo folder marked NYE1 to let the girls browse through. Hawke and Merrill giggled at the pictures of Anders; he had taken it upon himself to wear all the hats he could find. His hair hung in his eyes, pressed down by a beanie; a baseball cap sat sideways; and a top hat rested above that with two pointy party hats acting as horns. There were several shots of Varric engaged in a debate with Bodahn Feddic. Isabela said they argued for almost an hour, though no one could confirm what the conversation had been about.

The timer on the oven went off and Isabela left to pull the cookies out. She insisted on an evening of junk food. The doorbell rang as she was maneuvering the tray to the counter and Merrill jumped up to answer it. Hawke wasn’t paying attention to any of the action. What had caught her eye was the folder marked NYE2. She regretted opening the folder as soon as the first picture appeared. Her regret grew as she clicked through each picture. Fenris was in every single one, smiling, laughing, and even sometimes just there in the corner or the background.

“Oh shit,” Isabela said with a sigh, standing behind her.

“He was here.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement that nearly broke her. He had been home, he had been here, and she hadn’t known.

“For the last two weeks of December.”

“Were you trying to keep it a secret from me?” Hawke asked, gesturing to the separate folder, where every picture featured the shock of white hair. Sometimes even in just the corner. “Is that why there’s a separate folder?”

“Hawke, I don’t know what’s going on with you two,” Isabela said, sitting down next to her and placing a gentle hand on her arm, “so I thought it best that you didn’t know he was here.”

“It’s time, Hawke,” Merrill commented, sitting down on her other side. “You need to tell her.”

“Tell me what? What is going on?” Isabela demanded.

Hawke burst into tears and buried her face into her hands. Heavy sobs wracked through her and Isabela grabbed hold of her before she could fall out of her chair.

“Fenris was Leto,” Merrill said quietly, gently running her hand through Hawke’s hair. “That’s why they broke up.”

Isabela stared at her wide eyed in disbelief. Hawke let out another choked sob and she pulled her closer. “All right Hawke, let it out. I’ve got you.”

***

After his first debacle with the triplets, Fenris maintained a civil attitude with Iris, and avoided her cousins entirely. It had been a relief when Dara had informed him that they were not indeed triplets, just affectionately known as such. The thought of being parents to the three of them was horrifying.

Iris had proven to be quite capable and he often looked to her for help finding certain texts. She had the uncanny ability to know where even the most obscure books were located. Dara, on the other hand, had done an almost complete one-eighty on him. Once the semester began, her fun and jovial personality devolved into one of cool impassivity. She treated Solas like an acquaintance and he could see it was driving the professor crazy. 

The sudden shift was surprising to him, and he wondered if it had to do with the presence of others. Did she not want anyone to believe she was on good terms with him? Did it affect her in some way to have a connection? Fenris found himself more often than not angry that these thoughts were even in his mind. He had no business surmising the details of his boss’s relationship. He had even less business wondering what made Dara turn so cold.

_ Read the damn book, Fenris, and stop thinking about it then! _

His inner voice yelled at him as he let his mind wander…again. The library was blissfully quiet and he was double checking the list Solas had given him at the beginning of the week. Half these books seemed to be on the same subject matter, and two were the first and second editions of the same book. He often wondered if his notes made any sense to the professor at all. Solas was never quite clear on why he wanted certain notations or why he needed certain books to be noted as a reference. He supposed in time he would find out, though the thought alone often gave him a headache. Reading, as of late, had begun to do the same as well. He wasn’t sure if it was bad lighting or just the long hours that were causing him to have problems focusing on the words in front of him.

“Hey!” said a voice by his ear that made him nearly jump out of his skin. Iris popped up next to him with that ever present smile on her face.

“Iris,” he said with a nod before looking back over his list.

“It's Friday,” she remarked pointedly.

“Yes it is.”

“Why are you in here then?”

“Because it’s part of my job.”

“Is it part of your job to spend your Friday evening going over a list of old books while your boss is out with his old squeeze?”

“Don’t call your professor that.”

“I didn’t, Alyx did when we saw them leaving together. You know they used to be involved?”

“I was made aware of it, yes.”

“You know he purposely moved up the schedule here when she got the promotion. Just to have an extra week here that wasn’t chock full of lectures.”

“That’s not why he’s here. This library is one of the largest in Thedas. Who told you he moved up the schedule?”

“Dara.”

“I doubt she would share that sort of information with you. Besides why would she think he was here for her? Ameridan decided to retire early, after Solas had his schedule planned.”

“I’m her TA, so I am privy to a bit more information than you’d expect. You go on thinking that he didn’t know Ameridan was retiring earlier though. Ignorance is bliss,” she said with a smile and a wink. Fenris glared at her hoping to scare her off. She was unmoved and instead hopped up to sit on the table. “She’s actually really nice when you get past the whole, ‘must have a cold exterior, walls around my emotions,’ persona she’s adopted. She has to be that way--one of the youngest professors in her field, and a woman. Lots of hard work to get to where she is.”

“Is there a particular point to all of this? You didn't strike me as the gossip type.”

“My point is that it’s Friday night, and your boss is out for the night. So why are you sitting here doing work when you could be out with me?”

“Iris, I...I’m not…” he stammered out. This was not the direction he wanted things to go.

“Oh god, oh my god, bad phrasing, shit,” she said with a wave of her hands. “I didn’t mean like that--I have a boyfriend--I meant come have some drinks with my cousins and me.” He breathed a sigh of relief; the last thing he needed while he was there was to have to deal with unwanted attention.

“Are you going to do that creepy thing where you complete each other's sentences and pretend to have a hive mind?”

“No. Well, Alyx and Emma might try after a few shots, but that's mostly from practice you know. We grew up together, hard not to develop a similar mentality around each other. But I assure you, we are three very different people.”

“Could have fooled me.”

“That was the point silly; it was your initiation. Had to punish you for being so mean. I am the youngest after all; they look after me.”

“You’re not helping your cause; staying here and reading all night is starting to sound like the ideal.”

“You are aware that Alyx can bench press your weight and then some? I could easily have her haul you out to the bar.”

“Don’t be so sure, I am rather plucky.”

“See, making jokes with me already! Come out with us, Fenris. You could use the time away from all of this,” she said, gesturing to the mountain of literature around him. Fenris leaned back in his chair and rubbed his eyes; reading was starting to become a strain, and he had to admit the idea of being sociable was not an unpleasant one.

“Fine, where am I meeting you?”

“Herald’s Rest; it's just outside the university. See you at six?”

“Yeah, see you at six. But listen, the three of you go Stepford on me again, I am out.”

“Ok, we’ll work on our Children of the Damned act instead.”

***

It had taken half a pizza and several glasses of water before Hawke had calmed down enough to tell Isabela the entire story. She rebuffed any and all attempts to drown her sorrows in the wine Isabela kept offering her, reminding her over and over again that she did have work the next day.

She also rebuffed all advice that hinted towards calling Fenris. The fact remained that a small part of her wanted him to reach out to her. She knew it was silly, considering the fact that she had told him to not contact her. But she still held onto the stupid hope that he would eventually decide to just ignore her demands. That he would show up suddenly and demand to be heard, demand to tell her everything. It was stupid and she knew it. But she wanted him to come to her for once. Was it too much to ask that he choose to fight for her?

When she finally got home, she collapsed on the bed in exhaustion. The emotional upheaval of the night had left her with no energy for anything else. She was thankful for that, at least. A good night’s sleep had escaped her every night since Christmas. Carver’s angry rant at not ever being good enough played in her head time and again. Did she really treat him that way? Did she really not give him enough credit as her brother to be there for her when she needed him?

Her phone rang loud and clear, waking her from a deep sleep just a few hours later. She groaned as she fumbled for it, rubbing the fog from her eyes to see the display. An unknown number from Ferelden was on the caller ID and she felt her blood run cold.

"Hello," she said, fearing the worst.

"Marian." Her mother's voice sounded pained, as though she had been crying.

"Mom, oh god Mom, what happened?"

"It's the house, Marian. The house is gone and Carver... Marian, it's not good. There was a fire and we got out but we couldn't find Dozer and your brother he ran back in for him. Oh honey, he's being taken to the hospital and they don't know if he's going to make it. You need to come home Marian, please come home."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry for the cliffhanger.


	10. Chapter 10

Fenris found Herald’s Rest exactly where Iris had told him it would be. He went inside after a moment’s trepidation, thinking to himself that a bit of socialization never killed anyone. No; but didn’t he tell himself the same thing one night years ago as he headed to a Halloween party? He caught sight of Emma sitting at a table and made his way over to her.

“Shit, I owe Iris five bucks,” she commented as he sat down. Fenris quirked an eyebrow at her. “I told her there was no way you were coming.”

“I almost didn’t. Where is she anyway?”

“At the jukebox; she always puts a twenty in and goes on a spree of selecting all the songs she swears she hasn’t heard in forever. Alyx is at the bar; she’ll be disappointed that she doesn't get the extra shot now.”

“So Iris is the only one who had enough faith that I would show up, then?” he mused, observing his surroundings. The bar was a little more upscale than he would have expected for a college town. But the tables were clean and the menu was legible despite a few grease stains.

“I recommend the craft beer selections, if you’re a craft beer man,” Emma remarked. “Stay away from the bourbon, though.”

“I’m actually more partial to wine; I doubt they have that here.”

“Not normally, but Iris, Alyx and I are here so often, Cabot started stocking this fantastic Tevinter red for us. I’m sort of partial to it myself.”

“Agreggio?” He asked, almost hopeful. He hadn’t had Agreggio since the dreadful Thanksgiving party.

“Is there any other?” Emma asked flippantly. “Glass or bottle?”

Fenris sighed for a moment, on the one hand he knew he would want more than a glass. But was he really in a place to be drinking an entire bottle of wine with three women he barely knew?  _ Fuck it.  _ “Bottle. I hope you weren’t planning on sharing.”

“My kind of man,” Emma chuckled, whipping out her phone and tapping out something--he assumed a drink order to the mean one. “Too bad I’m taken, or I’d hit you like the fist of an angry god.” She winked. He tried his best to hold back the angry blush that was spreading from his neck to his cheeks. Fuck, he missed Hawke.

“I can only assume the buzzing in my pocket is his drink order? Does this mean I don’t get the extra shot?” Alyx quipped, walking back to the table with four shots and three drinks. Fenris was somehow unsurprised that she carried them on a tray; she seemed to be the type to be given whatever she asked for with the right amount of persuasion.

“What else are cell phones for?” Emma asked. “Except to avoid conversation and have your professor text you at 4am to say that Cadaver Lab has been moved to 8:30 instead of 9.”

“It's fine; I can go get the bottle myself, and feel free to have my shot. I tend to save the hard liquor for later in the evening,” Fenris remarked, getting up to go to the bar. He needed a moment to himself; Emma’s casual flirting was all too reminiscent of Hawke. It left a small ache in his gut that he hoped the wine would drown. When he returned, Iris had joined them and the shot glasses stood full at their seats. “You’re going to make me take the shot aren’t you?”

“It’s the rule, Fenris,” Emma said. “Please help me unlearn the cranial nerves. Pretty please?”

“Do the shot and we promise to behave. Well, I promise to behave. This is tequila, which means Alyx may not be able to behave after a few more,” Iris said with a smile and a nod to her cousin. Alyx laughed with a flip of her vibrantly now turquoise hair and held up her shot glass with a wink.

“Bottoms and Pinkies up, ladies,” she declared, holding her pinky out as she grasped the glass. Iris and Emma followed her gesture and looked to Fenris to do the same. He looked at them questioningly but followed their direction. The tequila burned his throat and he held back from coughing in front of them.

“Alyx, this isn’t tequila this is fire-eater’s liquid,” Emma choked. “What is that?”

“Top shelf Anejo; Cabot said it packs a punch.”

“That’s less a punch and more a back-alley curb stomp.”

“I don’t know, tastes a little smoky to me,” Iris remarked, licking her lips. Fenris wanted to glare at her but thought his eyes might water from the after-taste. He sipped his wine slowly, trying to gain back his taste buds. He would have to remember to get the name of the tequila; somehow he knew Isabela would love it.

“So Emma, you've mentioned cadavers and cranial nerves; I can only imagine you are a med student,” he said, hoping to get one of them talking. The more they talked, the less he would be expected to. It was an old habit he developed when he didn’t want to be scrutinized; he had a feeling if given the opportunity, these three would scrutinize mercilessly.

“You are astute, sir, although how would you have reacted if I’d said no?” Emma replied with a waggle of her eyebrows. Alyx rolled her eyes and gave her cousin a jab to the ribs with her elbow.

“Stop being creepy.”

“I’m not creepy, I’m eccentric,” Emma countered with an exaggerated Catwoman purr.

“No, Iris is eccentric, you put effort into being odd.”

Emma gave a mock-offended scoff and a dramatic sigh; “Someone has seen through my facade. My life is ruined.”

“How am I eccentric?” Iris asked with sincere shock.

“You bring a book everywhere, you brought a book to the Halloween party.”

“I don’t have a book now.”

“Is your Kindle in your purse?”

“My Kindle is always in my purse.”

“I rest my case.”

“I used to bring a book everywhere, too,” Fenris remarked, interrupting their banter. Iris smiled at him and Alyx made a show of rolling her eyes again.

“Of course you did! Why else would you need to be dragged out of a library on a Friday night?”

“Sorry, Alyx. Looks like you’re surrounded by nerds,” Emma teased. “I can up the creepy factor if it helps. I can tell you what’s  _ inside you. _ ”

“There’s tequila inside me, and if you keep this up there’s going to need to be more. Fenris, don’t ask her any more questions about her classes,” Alyx quipped back.

“Fine, what are you studying then?” He asked with a laugh though he got the sneaking suspicion he might be poking the bear.

“You wouldn’t believe her if she told you,” Emma murmured under her breath.

“Law,” she said with a smirk, raising her eyebrows as if challenging him to comment. He took the bait and grinned.

“I didn’t know they had blue-haired lawyers. You’ll be raising the bar so to speak.”

“Oh, that was  _ bad. _ I like you,” she said, grinning.

“That was awful,” Emma groaned, burying her face in her hands. “And now there’s two of them. I’m alone on my island of STEM sanity.”

“Emma, that was a stretch even for you,” Iris chastised.

“You nerds and your books and your WORDS,” Emma continued dramatically. “ _ Branson _ likes my squishy science stuff, and you all call me  _ creepy. _ ”

“That’s not the only squishy part he likes about you,” Iris said before blushing and hiding her face, taking a large gulp of her drink.

“Are you three always like this? Or is this you putting on another act?” Fenris asked, though he was laughing the whole time.

“Oh this is standard default Trevelyan Triplet behavior,” Emma replied. “We’re all getting some, so we’re all happy.”

“Getting some...oh.” Fenris said before immediately regretting his train of thought.  _ Idiot, you’ve been away from Isabela too long, you’ve forgotten how to ward off this kind of talk _ . “Well that’s good I guess—for you I mean.”

Emma quirked her brow and gestured at his hand with her chin; “That’s an interesting accessory, there, Fenris. Red leather cuff--quite the statement piece.”

Fenris looked down at his wrist for a moment and sighed. So much for forgetting her for a night. “It was a gift,” he said quietly before refilling his glass.

“What’s their name?” Alyx asked, her bravado suddenly gone and replaced with a solemn look that spoke of understanding. Fenris looked up at her and was suddenly overcome with the need to share his story. Somehow the past just didn't want to stay there.

“Hawke, well Marian Hawke, but no one calls her Marian except her family. She uh, she’s a culinary student and all the chefs call them by their last names. So she’s always been Hawke to me. This was her father’s, and she gave it to me when I left.”

Emma drew in a sharp breath; “Oh, god. What happened?”

“I wouldn’t want to bring down the mood of the evening; really it’s not a happy story.”

“No no no, number one rule of drink night. If someone is sad they get to share it, and everyone listens and we try to see if we can fix it,” Iris interrupted.

“When Bran and I were on break, I sobbed for three hours straight,” Emma said. “So it couldn’t possibly be worse. I  _ promise. _ ”

“You’ll see that promise broken soon enough I assure you,” Fenris warned.

“Spill it, or I’m getting you more shots and  _ then _ you’ll spill, Broody,” Alyx said insistently.

“What did you call me?” Fenris asked, his eyes widening.

“I called you Broody. You brood  _ all the time, _ according to Iris.”

Fenris started chuckling to himself, of all the things in the world she might call him. He’d have to remember to text Varric the next day and confirm that yes he was indeed a brooder.

“Get the shots, we’re going to need them.” Fenris said with a sigh.

He told them about his first meeting with Hawke, how she popped up from behind the counter suddenly and he dismissed her staring as mere curiosity. Then he remarked about their collision at the Hanged Man and her quick wit about his costume. Alyx giggled and commented that she liked Hawke already. Fenris smiled and had them laughing hysterically with his telling of what would be forever known as the towel incident.

“How in the world did you not realize she was practically naked?” Iris asked with a giggle.

“I need to see what she looks like, tell me you have a picture.” Alyx interjected. Fenris pulled out his phone and showed them a few pictures of them together. Iris cooed at the picture of them with matching ketchup streaked faces. Emma complimented the outfit Hawke wore on her birthday and Fenris blushed when Alyx made a comment about what was underneath the corset. “I second what Iris said, there is no way I wouldn’t have noticed she was only wearing a towel. Probably because I would be too busy removing it.”

“Alyx, behave yourself.” Emma said rapping her knuckles.

“You were thinking it too.”

“I keep my thoughts in my head. Please continue Fenris, what happened next?”

They listened with rapt attention as he told them of how he and Hawke became friends. Their Wine Wednesday tradition, the game of truth or dare, how she showed up at his dorm the night after her birthday asking simply to be held.

“Did she ever tell you what happened to her?” Emma asked.

“She did, over the summer the problem got bigger. Her grandparents left her a substantial amount of money. But it turns out due to the conditions of their will she only got the money because her father died. She felt like she was profiting from his death.”

“Oh no, oh that must have been terrible for her,” Iris said with a quiver to her lips.

“It was, but Merrill messaged me and told me that Hawke needed me, so I came down.”

“You were her hero,” Alyx said almost wistfully.

“She’s called me that so many times, which is what makes this even harder.”

“Alright, so I get the feeling at some point you two had to have realized you had something between you. Tell me you guys were at least dating before whatever happened, happened,” Alyx insisted, filling his glass. He hadn't even realized they'd acquired a second bottle.

He told them about the realization that he was in love with her at the end of summer. How he tortured himself endlessly with it. The night on the chantry rooftop, when he ended up writing a poem about her instead of the sky. How she looked standing in front of him wearing a second hand wedding dress like what he wanted for the future. Their “kiss” on Halloween that left him with even more questions in his head. When he finally reached the magic of New Years all three of them sighed and smiled at him, Iris looked like she had tears in her eyes.

“That’s so beautiful, you had the perfect moment.”

“Round of drinks says it was Merrill who locked them out.” Alyx added.

“Heck no, had to be Isabela,” Emma countered.

“Actually it was Merrill,” Fenris confirmed with a laugh and Alyx let out a whoop.

“Next round's on you, Princess,” Alyx snickered and Emma rolled her eyes as she left the table..

When Emma returned with their drinks—no more shots, thankfully—Fenris continued the story. He had to laugh at the girls’ reactions to all the different parts. How Emma sighed whenever he would talk about their serious talks. Iris would smile when he spoke of their quiet moments. Alyx seemed to soften more and more as the story went on. He found it harder as he got closer to the end, like the words wouldn’t come out, even though he knew everything that had happened. Iris reached out and gave his arm a quick squeeze when he reached the moment when he and Hawke finally consummated their relationship. In truth he had thought it might embarrass him to speak about such an intimate moment. But with the three of them so enraptured and eager to hear his story it seemed wrong to leave out any moment, especially the ones that truly mattered to him.

“That was so romantic Fenris, you really did make it special and meaningful.”

“That was my intention, it had to be. I had to show her and myself that this was more to me than a physical act.”

“I get the feeling that this is the part where the story gets sad,” Emma intoned ominously.

“Yes, I should mention that Fenris isn’t my birth name. I would rather not go into that detail but you should know for the purposes of what I am about to tell you my birth name was Leto Puer. I changed it when I was eighteen.”

“I don’t like the sound of this,” Alyx replied.

When he reached the end of the story he found himself nearly in tears. It was harder than he had thought it would be. To have to relive all of it, to really see how far they had come, only to lose everything, it was too much. He was suddenly enveloped in a hug from Alyx, her strong arms wrapping him in a tight embrace. Iris and Emma followed suit and he let himself shed a few tears and accept their condolences.

“So how did you end up with the cuff after all that?” Alyx asked after they had sat back down.

“She wasn't there the day I left, Merrill came with a letter from her saying she couldn't see me, that she needed space. I found it in my bag when I was on the plane, she put it there before everything happened, I haven't taken it off since.”

“Have you spoken to her since?” Iris questioned.

“No, she asked for space and I have honored her request.”

“You’ve gotta talk to her, tell her you’re sorry, something, anything!” Alyx remarked with a worried tone.

“I agree, at this point she might think you have forgotten her completely,” Emma added.

“Considering the fact that he did indeed already forget her at least once,” Alyx deadpanned. The other two looked at her in shock, but she shrugged her shoulders. “I only speak the truth, sorry if it hurts.”

“Alyx is right, I did forget her, I had to. She was a remnant of a life that I ran away from for years,” Fenris said, staring at the last dregs of his wine. The hour had grown late and he realized they were a few of the only ones left in the bar. He was about to make a remark when his phone began ringing, he checked the incoming number and felt his stomach drop...

“It’s Merrill,” he said with a panicked tone.

“Answer it!” the girls cried in unison.

“Merrill?” He said, praying to whatever god existed that this was a drunk dial, anything but what he was afraid it would turn out to be.

“Fenris, oh thank god. You have to get to Lothering.”

“What, why, what happened?”

“The house burned down, Carver is in the hospital and they don’t know if he’s going to make it. Hawke wouldn’t let me come with her. Bethany is in Starkhaven trying to catch a flight. Fenris if something happened, if he died, oh god she needs you. I don’t care what she says or how much she tries to hide it. She’s going to need you, you have to be there.”

“All right, I’m coming now. I...Merrill, I’m drunk.”

“What? Fenris why?”

“I went out for drinks with some people from the university.”

“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were drinking alone in your hotel room. Which honestly I’ve been worried you’ve been doing for quite some time. Oh god I am rambling, how soon can you get to Lothering.”

“If I sober up I can probably catch a train in the morning. Actually screw that I’m just going to pack a bag and head to the train station immediately.”

“Don’t let her push you away, she needs you.”

“I hope you’re right,” he said with a sigh as he hung up. The girls looked at him expectantly. “There was a fire. Hawke’s brother is in the hospital, they don’t know if he’s going to make it. She’s on her way to Lothering, alone.”

“I’m calling a cab, how far is your hotel from here?” Emma said, jumping into action.

“I’ll talk to Professor Harellan tomorrow and tell him what happened. Give me a list of what you needed to get done and I’ll see what i can accomplish,” Iris added, stacking their cups.

“I’m going to pay our tab and I’ve got the train schedule pulled up on my phone. The next train to Redcliffe is in two hours. Emma, see if you can have a car waiting for him to take him to Lothering,” Alyx stated heading towards the bar.

“Already on it, there’s a twenty four hour diner next to the train station. Plenty of time to have a quick supper and sober up.”

As if they somehow knew not to bring it up there was no more discussion of Hawke. They found other subjects to discuss and distract him with. He wasn’t even entirely sure that he had packed his own bag after leaving the hotel room. The girls somehow managed to have him packed, fed, caffeinated, and at the train station with only half an hour to wait for his train.

“I called ahead, one way ticket for Fenris Bellator,” Emma said to the ticket attendant. The attendant asked for his ID and he provided it waiting to hear the total charge and was puzzled when all he was handed was his ticket and wishes for a safe trip.

“Emma, did you?”

“Yes, don’t try to pay me back I won’t let you. There’s going to be a car waiting for you in Redcliffe, don’t try to pay him either or Iris will be very put out.”

“You, all three of you, I’m…”

“Think nothing of it,” Iris said, giving him a warm hug.

“We’ll see you when you get back, go out for drinks and you can tell us how it went,” Alyx added joining in.

“Good luck, and I hope it all works out,” Emma appended, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you,” he said, waving good bye to them as he boarded the train.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So about that cliffhanger....


	11. Chapter 11

“All we can do for now is wait.”

Hospitals always set Hawke’s teeth on edge when she was in them. The smells, the sounds, everything about it always left her feeling ill somehow. What was worse was sitting there knowing her brother was down the hall--knowing that any moment the doctors might come out there and tell them he was gone. She wanted to scream, cry, and beat her hands against the walls; anything but sit in silence.

“Any word from Bethany?” her mother asked, breaking the tension around them. Hawke shook her head. Starkhaven had been hit with a blizzard and most flights out were delayed. They wouldn't be arriving for a few more hours at least. Bethany had almost been too frantic to speak; most of the conversation had been with Sebastian.

“I barely said goodbye to him,” Hawke choked out. Christmas had been a disaster and New Years almost as bad. She and Carver had exchanged handshakes as a farewell with the barest of nods to one another. “I was so stupid and stubborn and I should have hugged him.”

“You couldn’t have known this would happen, none of us could,” her mother replied, pulling her close. Both of them ignored the wooden arm rest that pressed uncomfortably between them. “He’s going to make it. He’s a Hawke; too stubborn to give up.”

“Why did he go back inside? He shouldn’t have gone back in.”

“All three of you would have run back inside for Dozer if you thought he was trapped inside the house.”

“Did they find him? Has there been any news?” Hawke asked frantically, hoping for some miracle. Her mother shook her head after checking her phone.

“Marian, go look for him,” she said resting a hand on her arm. Hawke had been sitting on the edge of her seat, her foot tapping nervously.

“I can’t leave you here alone.”

“I will be fine. Go. Go find Dozer. I know Carver will want to know he’s all right. I’d like to be able to give him some good news when he wakes up.”

***

 She stood outside the blackened skeleton of the house. The fire had started in the kitchen and spread through quickly. Her mother's bedroom seemed to be intact. The fire had destroyed the stairs leading to her bedroom in the attic; if she had been home, she might not have made it out.  She choked back her tears seeing the blackened remains of what had been Bethany and Carver’s rooms. There would be no saving the house; there wasn’t enough of it left to save.

She heard a car pull up behind her but didn’t bother turning around to look, hoping it wasn’t some random stranger stopping to stare. She didn’t think she’d be able to hold her tongue and not curse them out. The sound of footsteps behind her made her breath catch suddenly and her stomach fluttered. _It can’t be…_

The feeling grew stronger as the presence came closer and she gasped feeling the warmth of another body standing behind her. Her heart rate quickened and she closed her eyes, not wanting to turn around, because if she turned around and it wasn’t him…

"I don't know what to say but I am here."

Without hesitation she turned and threw her arms around him as though he might disappear. His arms enfolded her in a deep embrace as he clutched her head to his chest, running a hand through her hair. She could feel his jacket growing damp against her cheek as her tears flowed; if he noticed it he said nothing.

“How did you...?”

“Merrill.”

She broke again and her knees gave out; only his hold on her kept her from crashing to the ground. They sat together in silence, her curled in his lap while he hummed, rocking her gently.

***

The ground was freezing cold and his butt had gone numb from sitting on it. He couldn’t feel his fingers because he had forgotten to put on gloves. The beanie he’d been wearing had gone askew from the initial force of Hawke’s body crashing into him, exposing his ears to the winter chill.

None of that mattered.

Elation was probably not the right emotion for him to be feeling. Concern, worry, sorrow, those emotions were proper to have. Yet he couldn’t deny that having her there, having her not turn him away... it was a welcome distraction from the fear that her next words would be that Carver was gone.

“Hawke, is he...?”

“We don’t know yet,” she whispered into his chest. “I came back to find Dozer.”

“Dozer’s missing?”

“Carver ran back in for him, but never found him. He ended up trapped in the house. I need to find him, I need good news to give to Carver when he wakes up,” Hawke choked out, rubbing her eyes furiously with the sleeve of her jacket. Fenris helped her stand and they walked towards the house, calling for the dog.

Hawke was making her way into the woods when Fenris heard it, a low whine that was nearly drowned out by the wind around them.

“Dozer?” he called out. Another whine answered him back from the dog house. He ran over and looked inside. Dozer was curled up in the back, breathing heavily and whining. Fenris jumped up and yelled for Hawke before bending back down. “Hey there big guy. You have everyone worried sick.”

If Dozer understood him at all he didn't show it. Fenris shook his head and against his better judgment got on his knees and crawled in, thankful that Dozer’s massive size required a dog house big enough to fit inside. He approached the dog slowly, speaking calmly and gently.

“Fenris?” he heard Hawke call out.

“I'm in here,” he responded with a grunt. He maneuvered himself to sit beside Dozer and ran a hand down his back gently. Dozer picked his head up slowly and looked at him, a painful whine resonating from his chest. He heard Hawke gasp and looked to see her staring in through the opening, tears streaming down her face.

“Is he ok?”

“I don't know. I'm going to try and bring him out.”

Hawke nodded and backed away, watching him anxiously. He slid his hands under the massive beast and hoped that he wasn't causing the dog to injure himself further. Through careful movement and a bit of coaxing from Hawke they finally managed to get Dozer out. Hawke threw herself at the dog and buried her face into his neck.

Fenris wanted nothing more than to let Hawke continue to hug her dog. But he was concerned that Dozer might have been injured in the fire. He had been unable to walk out of the dog house on his own and let out a painful yelp when Fenris had accidentally jostled him coming through the small opening. He put a hand on Hawke’s shoulder and she looked up at him.

“We should get him to the vet,” he said and she nodded. Gently, he lifted Dozer once again and carried him to Hawke’s car. She ran ahead and opened the back door for him. Once they had him settled across the seat Fenris reached out to take her keys. “Sit in the back with him. I’ll drive.”

He watched her in the rear view mirror as she cradled the dog's head in her lap. Stroking a hand over his ears and giving soft scratches under the chin.

_Please, please let him be ok. Let them both be ok._

Fenris regretted the months he had spent sequestered away in a library. It had done a number on his strength. Carrying Dozer for a third time had taken the wind out of him. Thankfully the vet techs were able to bring him in on their own. He collapsed into a chair in the waiting room next to Hawke. She had a clipboard in her hands but couldn't seem to keep her hands steady enough to fill out the necessary paperwork. He reached out and took them from her.

“You just tell me what to write, ok?”

Again she nodded and quietly relayed the information to him. He gave her knee a gentle squeeze before leaving her to hand over the information to the receptionist.

“Excuse me miss, but is there anywhere nearby that sells coffee? My friend, she's had a rough night,” he said, gesturing to Hawke. The receptionist gave him a sympathetic look and directed him to a cafe close by. He told Hawke where he was going and, again, a silent nod was her only response.

Their fingertips brushed together when he returned with coffee in hand. A simple touch as the cup passed from him to her, accompanied by a barely whispered thank you.

They waited for what felt like hours until the vet came for them. She brought them to a back room and at first Fenris feared the worst when he saw Dozer lying still on an examination table. The vet quickly assuaged his and Hawke’s fears. They had sedated Dozer in order to treat a broken leg. His front leg had fractured and he had smoke damage in his lungs. But they were very hopeful for a full recovery. Hawke barely spoke and it was left to Fenris to ask the important questions.

“We want to keep him until we are sure the worst of the damage has been treated. But thankfully he appears not to have suffered anything else,” the vet, Elora, assured them.

Hawke hugged her dog one last time before letting Fenris guide her from the room and back out to the car. She climbed into the passenger seat and waited for him. They sat in silence for a moment, neither of them knowing what to say.

“We should get back to the hospital...tell your mother and Bethany that we found him,” he suggested. Hawke nodded once again; it seemed to be the only thing she was fully capable of doing.

***

He wasn’t sure of the reception awaiting him at the hospital. Carver had hinted that Bethany was not very fond of him after learning the truth of his previous relations with her sister. Despite his concerns, he stayed by Hawke’s side as they made their way to the trauma center where Carver was being kept. Leandra’s eyes widened in surprise when they walked in together, but she gave him a warm smile. Bethany stood up and ran to her sister, a silent embrace, as though speaking might somehow bring bad news. Sebastian walked over to shake his hand and pulled him into a hug at the end.

“Fenris, how did you...?” Leandra asked as she enveloped him a tight embrace.

“Merrill,” he replied; she laughed in response. Fenris took the open seat next to Hawke and she looked to him for a moment before softly smiling. He went to give her another reassuring squeeze when the doors opened and a harried looking doctor walked in.

“Are you the family of Carver Hawke?”

Fenris went to stand; he should not be present for whatever was about to be said. Months ago, he might have been considered family, but now he felt a stranger. Before he could move, he felt Hawke’s hand grab onto his suddenly. Her full attention was on the doctor who had come to see them. Her fingers gripped into his and he squeezed back as if to say _I remain at your side._

***

Carver made it, he was going to live.

In truth, Hawke had barely heard anything else after the doctor had said the magic words. _He’s going to make it._

She maintained her grip of Fenris’s hand throughout the long discussion of Carver’s injuries and the treatments needed for it. Redcliffe did not have a burn unit capable enough to give Carver the extended care he would need. Their only other options were Weisshaupt and Kirkwall. It only took one look and a nod to her mother to make that decision.

She listened as her mother and Bethany discussed options for getting the house ready. Fenris mentioned offhandedly that his studio was still vacant and it would only take one phone call to Isabela to get it ready for them to stay in while the house was being prepared. Carver would be transferred by the end of the week. The Hawkes were returning to Kirkwall en masse.

***

Fenris lay awake in his hotel room, staring up at the ceiling. He should have been exhausted, but his mind was racing with a million questions. Would this be the last time they spoke? Would she eventually decide she still hated him? Would there be any chance for them to talk?

He shook his head, angry at himself. Now was not the time to be worrying about the state of his relationship with Hawke. Her brother had nearly died, her childhood home was destroyed, and yet all he could think about was that moment when she grabbed his hand.

A knock on the door had him upright instantly. Had something gone wrong? Would they need to get to the hospital? He ran to the door and opened it swiftly.

“Hawke?”

“Hey,” she said sheepishly. “I just…I wanted to thank you…for being here.”

“I didn’t want you to be alone…if.”

“We had a fight before I left, I never even gave him a proper good bye,” she said staring down at her feet. “I found out about him seeing you…”

“I’m sorry, if I had known that would have caused a fight I would have…”

“No, don’t say that. I…I swear I knew everything I wanted to say right now,” she choked out, wrapping her arms around herself. He reached out to her and laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Fenris…can we pretend nothing happened for one night? I come into your room, we lay down, and you hold me like you used to? Can we pretend for one night that we’re best friends again?”

He pulled her to him so swiftly he heard her breath catch as she crashed into his chest. It wouldn’t solve their problems, they both knew that. But they both knew there was no sense denying that, in that moment, the only thing they wanted was each other. As they lay in bed she trailed her fingers up and down his arm as he held her against him, her fingertips tracing the white lines in his skin. She stroked the leather cuff and sighed.

“Fenris.”

“Yes?”

“When you go back tomorrow, can you…can you text me when you get back? Let me know you made it safely? I uh…I might have deleted your number from my phone in a moment of anger.”

He pulled her in tight and kissed the back of her head. No more words needed to be spoken. Tomorrow they could figure out what all of this meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how are we feeling now my lovelies? 
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to Bagatelle, aka Tuxedo Knight, aka the person who never fails to send me a meme or a prompt. I have made a few friends because of this AU but seriously I think she might be one of its biggest fans. Thank you for always reaching out, for commenting, for just talking to me in general.
> 
>  
> 
> Emma, Broody, and Ranna as always can't do it without you


	12. Chapter 12

 

Iris was waiting for him when he arrived back in Skyhold. She waved to him from across the station lobby, practically jumping up over the crowd so he could see her. Despite her size, she still managed to knock the wind out of him with a forceful hug.

“Oh,” she said when he froze at the unexpected greeting. “I’m sorry, that was forward. I’m a hugger, you know?”

“It’s fine, just unexpected is all,” he replied with a smile.

“Did he?”

“Yes, Carver made it. They’re moving him to Kirkwall so Hawke’s mother and sister will be returning there as well.”

“That’s wonderful news. So did you--?”

“Talk? No, and before you start in on me it wasn’t exactly the time or place to do it.”

“Of course not; I’m being silly. I just get so excited hearing people's romance stories and I get a little caught up in them. My apologies.”

“It’s all right. Was the professor upset that I left? I don’t normally have to work on the weekends but I haven’t heard from him at all.”

“I actually didn’t get to speak to him. I relayed the message to Dara, though, and she said all was well.”

“Well, that’s good, I suppose. I’ll explain everything when I see him tomorrow.”

“So are you tired? Do you need a nap or anything?”

“Slept on the train, but I could use some food.”

“Oh good.”

“Why?”

“Alyx and Emma made too many tacos, and we need someone with an appetite, so I’m here to abscond with you.”

“I have almost a foot on you in height, you do realize that?”

“Yes, but I have an adorable smile and a charming personality. There are few who can say no to me.”

He chuckled and followed her out to the parking lot but was taken aback when he watched her approach a lifted, black, Jeep Cherokee.

“That’s your car?” Fenris asked. Though ‘car’ was not the right word to describe the monster in front of him. The tires were twice the size of a regular car and a tribal dragon emblazoned the back window.

“Yes,” Iris replied with a sigh. “Though it was my brothers first and sort of still is. Mom and Dad were so happy when he graduated college they bought him a new car. Because why buy your daughter a new car for graduating high school when you can just force her to drive the monstrosity her brother tirelessly customized to suit him and his behemoth size?!”

Fenris laughed watching her use the door handles to hoist herself into the vehicle. A thick cushion was on the driver’s seat, he assumed to allow her to actually see over the steering wheel. When she turned the key the engine roared to life. “Do you not get along with your brother?”

Iris looked at him as though he had suggested she should kick a puppy. “What? Oh, because of the behemoth comment. God, no, I adore my brother; only reason I even go home on the holidays is because he’ll be there. He’s just monstrously tall and spent quite a bit of money to make this thing fit him. So much money, in fact, that I would end up emptying my entire savings account if I tried to undo any of it.”

“Why not sell it then?”

“My brother would kill me if I sold this thing. But our parents would kill him if he gave me his other car.”

“I guess they’re not interested in getting you a more sensible vehicle?”

“My parents...are not as invested in me. Xander is their golden boy; they were overjoyed to have a son on the first try. Four years later I came along and a faulty ultrasound told them I would be yet another boy. So when I came out missing a certain part I guess they were disappointed. They’ve decided to spend my entire life making sure I am aware of it.”

“They wanted an heir and a spare?”

“Hit the nail right on the head. Trevelyans are old money, my dad is the second son, so while he doesn't run the company he certainly holds a high position. Old money lends itself to old fashion I suppose.”

“What sort of business do they have?”

“International trade, boring shit if you ask me,” Iris said with a wave of her hand. “Xander and I made the radical choice to not join the rank and file. Though he was smart and waited until after college to tell them that. Dad is still holding out hope that he’ll change his mind.”

“They wanted you to join the business?”

“Only after they found out that Xander wouldn’t. ‘We can’t be the only ones whose children don’t maintain the legacy’,” she said with a pompous tone in her voice before letting out an aggravated grunt. “Sorry, I really shouldn’t be boring you with this.”

“It’s nice to hear you talk about yourself.”

“You’re only saying that because the more I talk, the less you have to.”

“I‘ve shared quite enough about myself to you already, don’t you think?”

“Possibly…so what else about my fun little family drama can I tell you about? Shall I regale you with the story of how mummy and daddy found out my brother was gay? I always love telling the story of how my mother nearly got charged with assault with a deadly weapon, since an unopened wine bottle is a blunt object,” she said with a bit too much mirth in her voice.

“Why not just tell me more about your brother, he seems to be the one you actually like.”

“Smart choice. Let’s start with how supremely unfair it is that he got to be the tall one.”

***

**Fenris** _ 12:34pm _

I made it back safe. How is Carver?

 

**Hawke** _ 12:46pm _

High as a god damn kite. He keeps asking Bethany for her number.

 

**Fenris** _ 12:50pm _

I’m glad he’s all right.

 

**Hawke** _ 12:52pm _

Thank you again for being there.

 

**Fenris** _ 12:55pm _

I’ll always be there, that I can promise.

 

**Hawke** _ 1:02pm _

I’m not quite ready yet to discuss...that. But if you ever just want to say hello...please feel free.

 

***

His weekend trip to Lothering had gone unnoticed. Solas hadn’t even bothered to ask him about it and Fenris wondered idly if Dara had actually said anything to him. When he attempted to broach the subject Monday morning Solas dismissed him before he could even speak, commenting that he was missing several notes for one of his lectures and that Fenris would need to run back to the hotel and find them.

Fenris was a bit taken aback by the request. Solas had never been one to be dismissive, nor had he ever treated Fenris like an errand boy. The professor’s attitude only served to grow worse when Fenris wasn’t able to procure the needed documents.

“I hired you to assist me, not hinder me, Fenris,” Solas snapped when Fenris informed him that he was unable to find the notes. “We will discuss this at a later time; I have a full schedule today.”

 

***

He was straining to read the words in front of him, so he set the book down and rubbed his eyes, groaning as he felt the pain. Months of reading and writing were taking a toll on his eyes... either that or he needed glasses. He sincerely hoped for the former to be the issue. Only because he was a bit too self conscious at the idea that he might need reading glasses. It was bad enough he’d gone prematurely white, were his eyes aging faster than he expected as well? The stack of books next to him went crashing to the ground as he reached for them. The librarian gave him a dirty look as he bent down to pick them up. A folder somehow ended up in the mess and he opened it to see what it contained.

Fenris sighed when he realized what he was holding in his hand. Solas’ lecture pamphlets had somehow ended up in the stack of books Fenris had been cataloguing. He shook his head and decided to drop them off with professor Lavellan. She was the one organizing and planning which classes Solas would be presenting at; she would be the best choice for making sure he had them. He saw Alyx while he was passing through the halls and shot her a mock salute. A wistful smile crossed his face; he was going to miss the Trevelyans when he left. Their sudden intrusion into his life had turned out to be just the thing he needed.

The front room of Dara’s office was empty, Iris nowhere to be found. He was about to drop the packet onto her desk when he heard a strange noise coming from Dara’s office. The door was slightly ajar and against his better judgement he went to investigate. What he saw stopped him in his tracks and had him nearly gasping out loud.

Dara was leaning back in her office chair. Her shirt was half unbuttoned and her hair was in complete disarray, her hands rubbing up and down her chest. She was moaning heavily and he realized that there was someone under her desk. Just as he was about to shut the door Dara looked up at him for a moment, breathing heavily she bit her lip and gave him a sultry wink.

“Don’t even think of coming back up until you’ve finished me,” she said, still staring at him. He gulped hard and pushed the door back into place slowly. Backing away from the door, he nearly collided with Iris’ desk and did his best to exit quietly, still in shock at what he had just seen.

“Mr. Bellator,” a voice popped up from behind him as he walked out into the hallway. He jumped and whirled around coming face to face with Morrigan Wilds, nearly screeching. She was dressed in a dark maroon pantsuit and the heels she wore put her at almost eye level with him. Yet she still somehow managed to make him feel like he was a child in her presence. “Where is Professor Harellan?”

“I don’t know, he had several lectures today. Why are you here?”

Morrigan’s eyes widened for a moment and Fenris knew he had asked the wrong question. “Where I go and what I do is my business, Mr. Bellator,” she replied scathingly.

He saw Iris coming down the hall with Alyx and hoped the sheer look of panic on his face conveyed to them that a disaster was about to occur. Morrigan was here, and if Morrigan was here that meant she knew about Dara running the department now. He remembered Dorian’s quip about Morrigan being unawares of the development, and his mind raced with a million horrible outcomes.

The worst being that she would pull the plug on the whole tour and he would lose his job. The second worst being that she would somehow find a way to blame him for all of this. Panic had taken over and logic had run for the hills, as far as his mind was concerned.

“Hi there, can I help you?” Iris said, flashing her winning smile at Morrigan, who remained unmoved. Fenris was convinced in that moment Morrigan was some sort of demigod sorceress because no one could look at that smile and not be swayed. “I’m Iris Trevelyan, the Dean of Literature’s TA.”

“I’m looking for Solas Harellan; he’s a guest lecturer here.”

“Oh Professor Harellan, yes, he’s had several lectures today. I can grab the schedule from the office here if you’d like me to.”

Fenris flashed her a look that screamed  _ do not go in the office!  _ But she seemed to have misunderstood because she did the exact opposite. If she could hear what was going on in Dara’s office, she gave no sign of it. Instead, she procured a file from her desk and skimmed through it, as if her professor wasn’t in the very next room, being pleasured by whomever it was she decided to drag into her office for an afternoon screw.

“Ummm... looks like the professor is on break right now. I’m not sure where he goes in between lectures. His next one isn't for another two hours.”

“Morrigan Wilds? As in ‘Korcari Publishing’ Morrigan Wilds?” Alyx asked suddenly. Morrigan’s head snapped around as she fixed Alyx with a stare.

“Yes.”

“I did my dissertation on the lawsuit your mother filed against Evanuris Editing. Seriously, one of the most intense personal litigations of the last two decades. Do you know how famous that case is?”

“I am aware, considering I was part of it.”

“I would love to pick your brain over some of the details. Do you have time at all?”

Morrigan sighed and looked down at her watch; “Very well, miss...?”

“Alyx Trevelyan, thank you so much. There’s a wonderful cafe right off campus, if you’ll follow me.”

“Mr. Bellator, if you see Solas, please inform him that I am here and would very much like to speak with him,” she said, her glance resting on the placard displaying Professor Lavellan’s name proudly. “Immediately.”

Once they were out of view, Iris turned to Fenris and broke into a fit of giggles. “Oh my god is she doing what I think she is doing in there?”

Fenris nodded and then shook his head trying to wipe away the mental image. “I don’t know who is in there with her and I don't want to find out. I need to find Solas and warn him Morrigan is here.”

He pulled out his phone and dialed the professor hoping to get in touch with him. Iris turned to say something to him when they both heard it, the sound of a phone vibrating. Solas’ phone was resting on the edge of Iris’ desk, Fenris’ phone number blazing across the screen. Iris looked at him wide-eyed and put a hand over her mouth.

“We should go,” he said, and she nodded in return.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the enthusiastic comments on the last chapter. It felt really good to bring them back together even if only temporarily.
> 
> I had some qualms about this chapter and the direction I was going with it. I have this horrible fear that someone is going to be pissed about the portrayal of Solas. I keep reminding myself this is a FenHawke fic and not a Solavellan one. Solas is in this but I am not looking to expand on that angle much, it is there for the purposes of driving home other parts of the plot. So my apologies to any Solas fans who feel like I am not doing him the right justice with this.
> 
> Broody, Emma, and Ranna you guys rock!


	13. Chapter 13

Iris and Fenris had built a nice little pyramid of shot glasses by the time Alyx got to the bar. Emma arrived sometime later to find that the pyramid had become a fortress . She shot Alyx and Fenris a look when Iris tumbled out of her chair trying to say hello.

“What is the rule about Iris and shots?” Emma admonished her cousin.

“Broody wasn’t aware of the rules, and it was too late to cut her off by the time I got here.”

“What rule?” Fenris asked.

“Iris is limited to three shots for the first hour, and one each consecutive hour with a limit of five per night. Otherwise you have this,” she said, pointing to Iris humming quietly to herself.

“She... _ hic _ ...mentioned something about a rule. But said in emergency situations you two turn a blind eye,” Fenris said, blinking slowly. He had lost track of just how many drinks he had consumed, but the halo around Emma was a pretty good indication of the amount.

“Cabot! Another round!” Iris yelled out before Alyx could silence her.

“What the hell happened today?” Emma asked. Alyx went to speak but was cut off by her drunken cousin.

“The worst possible thing imaginable, Emma! The world is coming to an end,” Iris slurred. “I see no reason to even continue on the path that I have made for myself. I should just call my parents and say ‘Why yes, I would love to be Gerhardt’s secretary until my dying day’.”

“Ok, first of all, you know my brother would never actually agree to that. Secondly, I still don’t know what the hell is going on.”

Iris went to reach for the tray of shots that Cabot delivered. Emma swept in and grabbed it from him easily, throwing back two of them in quick succession and easily passing the tray over to Alyx, who downed the other two.

“Hey!” Fenris said with a pout. “Why’d you take mine away?”

“Because you let her get like this,” she admonished. “Iris sweetie, please tell me what happened.”

“She’s realized that even your mentors can let you down,” Alyx said dryly.

“What in the world did Dara do?” Emma asked in shock.

“Oh just went back on everything she ever taught me about life, love, and knowing how to stand up for yourself,” Iris began.

Fenris got up to use the bathroom; he’d heard this speech twice, once when Iris told him and then again when she told Alyx. He was in no mood to hear it a third time, especially since he had spent the night drinking in hopes it might erase the memory of Dara being orally pleasured by his boss. Iris was reaching the tail end of her story when he returned. Alyx was nodding along behind her, her head going back and forth with every syllable Iris placed emphasis on.

"She always spoke of empowering yourself, to not let relationships change how you viewed yourself, and what does she do..."

"She screws him," Alyx mouthed and Fenris tried not to chuckle.

"She screws him!" Iris shouted, swaying in her chair. “She told me he would try to rekindle something, he’ll never fully commit to her, but he can’t stop himself from being with her apparently. She said she had finally learned her lesson, that she wasn't going to let him into her heart again. That it never went the way she wanted it to; he always left her hanging with more questions than answers.”

Emma sighed and Alyx rubbed Iris’ back gently while waving a glass of water in front of her. Iris took it and chugged heartily. Fenris realized he should do the same and left the girls again to procure a glass for himself. He drank it down in one shot and asked for another. He caught the tail end of the conversation as he sat down.

“I’d love to go see him this weekend but I already know he’ll be busy. One of the servers had a family emergency so he’s had to take on extra shifts,” Iris was saying to Emma. Fenris assumed they must be speaking of her boyfriend, though he had yet to find out the man’s name.

“You’ve been awfully quiet,” Iris said to him suddenly. “What do you make of all of this? He’s your boss, your mentor, the person you look up to. Would you do what he did? Sleep with someone you have feelings for with no intention to actually fix the problem?”

He stared at the three of them knowing the guilt was already present in his eyes. It had been too much to hope that he could keep it a secret.  Alyx slammed a fist on the table and Emma shook her head. “You didn’t?”

“We did.”

“When?”

“The night before I left, she came to my room at the hotel and it...happened,” the words spilled out of him before he could stop it. He knew it had been a mistake from the moment her lips met his own. His mind fought every impulse that his body was so ready to give into. Eventually the feeling of her there holding him, touching him, just being with him had drowned out all sense.

“What were you thinking?” Emma asked incredulously.

“Obviously he wasn’t,” Alyx quipped, her arms folded across her chest. Iris stared at him with a look that spoke of pure disappointment.

“You’re just like him,” she said her lower lip quivering. “All that talk of caring and wanting to fix things and you…”

“Iris, no, I swear it's not like that. I do care about her, I love her.”

“Then why? Why would you do that?”

“I don’t know, ok? We just...I knew I shouldn't. I knew it was a bad idea and...she was gone the next morning,” he said with a sigh.

“Let me guess, she doesn't want to talk about it?” Alyx inquired knowingly, he nodded in response and Emma sighed.

“You fucked up,” she said dryly.

“I know.”

 

***

 

“Hawke what were you thinking?” Merrill asked her in shock.

“I wasn’t, all right? I was upset, he was there,” Hawke replied throwing her hands in the air. “Catastrophe and chaos do weird things to the human brain.”

“Since when does disaster rev up your libido?”

Hawke snorted but choked back her laughter when Merrill glared at her. She looked to Isabela for support and was met with a look that screamed of disapproval. “Oh for fuck’s sake! You too? You of all people?”

“Yes, me of all people,” Isabela responded with crossed arms. “Thank you for that shining endorsement. I forgot my place as group whore for a moment.”

“Bela, that’s not what I meant.”

“Isn’t it? ‘Isabela is all about sex and who she can have it with.’ News flash, Hawke, I might be a bit more open about doing it casually but I know better than to sleep with someone when there’s underlying problems that haven’t been addressed.”

“You slept with Anders before he left!”

“Yeah and guess what, I actually talked to him about it. I didn't sleep with him in a moment of crisis and then lock up like a goddamn bank vault once I realized my mistake.”

“Who says I’m locked up?”

“Have you talked to Fenris at all since he left?”

“Yes.”

“Have you talked to him more than once?”

“Maybe.”

“Have any of your conversations addressed the problem at all?”

“No.”

“I rest my fucking case.”

“It was just sex; why is that so hard to believe?”

“Because you don’t have meaningless sex with someone you have feelings for. That, and if you did have meaningless sex with him than you deserve to be slapped," Merrill interjected angrily. "After everything he’s told you about himself, with everything you know about his past, to have done that to him—I would be disgusted with you.” 

“Fuck!” Hawke lamented smacking her head into the table. “Hit me; I’m an asshole.”

Merrill walked over to her and lifted her head gently, placing a gentle tap on each cheek. “You’re not an asshole. You were having a moment of crisis and I assume you just wanted to feel something else for a change.”

“Well yeah, that’s what I was saying.”

“No, you were saying you had a one night stand with Fenris and it meant nothing. I wanted you to at least admit it meant something.”

“You know what Merrill? You really are my best friend.”

“And you are mine, even when you are being an asshole.”

 

***

_ Neither of them could sleep despite the exhaustion they were feeling. Occasionally one of them would speak, some random comment about their lives since the time they parted. She would ask him about the places he had seen. He would ask her about her classes. But every conversation fell flat after a few moments, silence being preferable to speaking. With a soft grunt she pulled away from him briefly and he thought she might leave, instead she shifted and turned to face him instead. Their faces were inches apart and he couldn't tear his eyes from hers. _

_ He wanted to tell her she was beautiful, that he missed her, that he would stop time itself to never have to let her go. So many words and thoughts flooded his mind, each one not enough to convey to her exactly how he felt. She silenced his every thought when her lips pressed gently against the corner of his mouth. His breath caught in his throat as she pressed another to his cheek, he felt a shiver go up his spine as her lips ghosted across his neck and finally settled below his ear. _

_ For one brief moment his thoughts were clear. His mind told him she was hurt, she was scared, that she needed comfort and was seeking it from him. That if he pulled her close and said the right words they would both realize what they were considering was a mistake. But her lips met his again and in that moment it didn't matter what was right, what was safe, what made sense. She was there, in his arms, her lips were warm and he wanted nothing more than to give into every traitorous desire his body had. _

_ Their clothes were shed not in a frenzy, but in long passionate touches. Fingers trailing gently over skin as each piece was removed. He kissed every inch of her he could reach, drinking in the feel of her body, knowing this might be the last time he ever got to savor the beauty of it. His eyes locked onto hers as he pressed his lips to her navel, a silent affirmation. One last chance to tell him to stop, for both of them to come to their senses. Her fingers trailed slowly down his cheek before grasping his chin to pull him towards her again. Her tongue danced along his lip, their kiss broken by the moans that escaped both of them once he was inside her. _

_ He clasped her hand in his, their fingers interlocking together, a silent plea to not let him go. To remember this night and what it felt like. To keep the memory alive in her mind of how much he loved her, how much she meant to him. _

_ Her side of the bed was empty when he awoke the next day. He feared that might be the last time he ever saw her, until she showed back up to take him to the train station. Hardly a word was spoken between them for the duration of the drive, however. He hugged her as tight as he could when the train pulled in, wanting nothing more than to tell her he would stay. That all she had to do was ask and he would quit the tour. He would give it all up if she would only ask him to... _

Days later he still touched his lips when he thought of that first kiss. That one moment where reason escaped him and all he could do was give in to his emotions. He knew what happened that night wasn't meaningless, there had been passion as well as pleasure. Sadly it also left more questions than answers and the longer he was away from her the more questions he had. His eyes were slowly closing as he felt sleep take hold when his phone buzzing shot him wide awake.

LadyHawke’s “Magic”—how long had it been since that ringtone had played on his phone? How long had it been since he had seen that face displayed on the screen? He almost hesitated to answer; her voice brought him agony as well as happiness.

“Hawke,” he said hesitantly when he finally answered. “Is everything all right?”

“Yes,” she whispered. “I just...wanted to hear your voice. And to tell you I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For that night, we shouldn’t have...we should have talked, you know?”

“Probably.”

“Can we talk now? Do you want to?”

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, I might have forgotten to mention in a previous chapter that some other stuff happened once she got to his room.
> 
> I'm not going to lie, it has been really hard not publishing everything at once. I just finished writing chapter 18 and woo-boy some fun stuff happens there. Thank you as always though for the comments and the reblogs on tumblr. 
> 
> Broody, Emma, and Ranna as always thank you


	14. Chapter 14

“Just friends.”

It should have been a relief to hear her say those words. They would still be friends, she would learn to forgive him for the past, and he would be free to keep his secrets. Wasn’t that what it had been like before they’d attempted something more? They’d been happy as friends, more so than when they had been in a relationship. At least that’s what he told himself.

In truth, he felt a small bit of relief knowing that he could forever hold onto the sordid truths of his previous life. He had been ready in that moment to bare all, to tell her the true story of Leto, the boy who made himself into Fenris, with all the shame, horror, and pain that had come from it. As time went on, he no longer felt at ease sharing it; he didn’t want to remember that life. Now he was released from the obligation, free to keep his past locked away.

He needed to talk to someone; he needed advice, and his options were sadly limited. He considered seeking out the professor; perhaps he would lend an ear. He thought to call Anders at one point, but did not want to trouble him when he already had problems of his own. In the end the only person he truly believed would listen to him without prying would be Iris.

_ If she wasn’t pissed at him still. _

He hadn’t seen her since the debacle with Dara and Solas, two days previous. She had refused to speak to him, despite his attempts to explain that he was nothing like Solas in that regard. He still wasn’t clear on the full history between him and Dara, only that it was a cycle of the same story over and over again. He would come into her life, sweep her off her feet, and then leave with no other words other than an empty apology.

Fenris hadn’t done that, nor had that been his intention. If he could just get Iris to listen to him, perhaps she could shed some light on the storm that was his mind. Emma and Alyx had been a bit more lenient with him, though their smiles were not as warm when he passed them in the halls. He supposed that it was Iris’ loyalty to Dara that was casting the shadow.

**Fenris** _ 8:45am _

What does Iris like to snack on?

**Emma** _ 8:49am _

I could kill you for texting me this early.

**Fenris** _ 8:52am _

Sorry I could have sworn you mentioned having an early lab today.

**Emma** _ 8:55am _

I did, it got moved to the afternoon. You’re lucky my brain sticks to a schedule. In regards to your question if there’s a pepper on the package and it says spicy, hot, or fire chances are she will devour it happily.

**Fenris** _ 8:57am _

Thanks, any advice for getting her to not be pissed at me?

**Emma** _ 9:00am _

She’s not mad at you, she’s mad at the situation that you are in. Iris tends to let herself get emotionally invested in the people around her. So she’s more upset that you let this happen and didn’t do the smart thing. Just be honest with her, admit that you did something stupid and she will probably hug you and say it’s all right.

***

After a few stops Fenris managed to put together what he considered an appropriate apology basket. Iris had been the closest thing he had to a friend while he was away from home, the first person to actually want to talk to him. At every other school he had been largely ignored by the student body and professors. Iris had engaged him from the start, they had bonded over a love of books, and he was actually sad that he would need to say goodbye at the end of the week. She was sitting quietly at her desk in Dara’s office when he walked in. She looked up as he approached but put a finger to her lips before he could say a word. She tilted her head towards the back office and he could hear it.  _ Loud voices. _

“I should have known you would pull a stunt like this Solas. You put the entire tour in jeopardy and for what?”

“Morrigan that is not what is happening here. If you would give me a chance to explain.”

“Explain what? That once again you are in the company of Miss Lavellan? That you have decided to put your work aside to pursue a fling with her? Because that is what it looks like to me.”

“I assure you Dara’s presence here is completely coincidental.”

Solas and Morrigan were going at it, and from the sounds of it they were only just getting started. Fenris looked to Iris; she rolled her eyes and shrugged her shoulders. There was a quiet cough behind him and Iris’ eyes widened considerably. “Dare I ask what is going on here?”

Fenris turned around to see Dara behind him, her arms laden with coffee and a bag of what he assumed were pastries given the heavenly smell coming from it. She looked back and forth between the two of them before her attention was grabbed by the argument coming from within her office.

“My relationship with Miss Lavellan is strictly professional and always has been. Whatever she or anyone might have perceived is an illusion.”

Fenris visibly winced hearing those words. He could see the pain on Dara’s face, with the way her composure crumbled in an instant. Iris ran forward with a tissue and relieved her of the coffee and pastry bag. Dara took the tissue and gave her eyes a quick dab before straightening her shoulders and taking a deep breath. “You know, I really should be the only one raising a fuss in my office don’t you think?”

Iris nodded and Fenris stepped to the side to allow her to pass him. She threw open her office doors and sauntered in. “Morrigan, I didn’t know you were here. How kind of you to drop by.”

“Dara, you’re looking…well,” Morrigan intoned, her voice was clipped but there was a kind of softness to her expression. Fenris nearly stared agape in shock, it was the first time he had seen an emotion from Morrigan that wasn’t contempt.

“I swear you haven’t aged at all. What sort of witchcraft keeps that alabaster skin of yours so tight and fresh?”

“Resting bitch face means fewer wrinkles,” Morrigan replied with a smile. “Though I must say, I do miss having things to smile about.”

“How is Kieran?”

“Doing well. He’s top of his class and his teachers say he is likely to skip a grade if he keeps up.”

“Smart mothers make smart children, that’s what my grandma always said. I would love to stay and chat but I have a meeting with the other deans and I am already running late. Will you be here long? I’d love to do dinner.”

“Our flight leaves tomorrow morning. Meet me at my hotel at seven; I trust you to pick a good place.”

“Our?” Fenris asked suddenly. They weren’t supposed to leave for a few more days. He had plans; he had spent the last two days in the library for hours finishing up his work to leave himself free time. “We’re leaving early?”

“Morrigan has seen fit to send us to Tevinter ahead of schedule,” Solas answered grimly.

“I’m sorry, I should have been more specific. Solas is leaving tomorrow. You will depart on time as planned. Solas doesn’t need to be here for you to do your work. The entire reason you were hired was to do research, and I won’t see your work end simply because he isn’t here. We will see you in Minrathous next Friday.”

“We?”

“Yes, Mr. Bellator, given some of the circumstances that have occurred, I think it's best I spend a bit of time overseeing the tour that my mother's company is paying for. Besides, there are some excellent opportunities for book signings and guest speaking while we are in Tevinter. Solas is going to be very busy,” she intoned with an air of almost superiority. Her gaze softened when she returned her attention to Dara. “I’ll walk with you to your meeting; I could use a change of company.”

Fenris watched the two women walk out of the room together and was completely flabbergasted at the sudden change in the air. He’d expected Dara to go off on Solas, yell at Morrigan, anything but what he just witnessed. Solas said nothing as he brushed past him and stormed off down the hall.

“Did that just happen?” Fenris asked Iris. “Did she seriously just shed a tear, make nice with Morrigan, and then plan a girl’s night?”

“You have a lot to learn about women, Fenris,” Iris said with a sigh. “What’s with the basket?”

“Oh, it’s a collection of things that I thought you might like.” He handed it her and watched with rapt attention as she poked through the contents. She appraised her gifts and smiled when she found the stuffed dragon pepper toy he had found. “It’s my way of saying you’ve been a great friend and I’m sorry I disappointed you. I really could use your advice and I’d like you to stop being mad at me.”

“Fenris, this is a dog toy,” she said, holding up the pepper and giving it a squeeze. Sure enough, it let out a squeaking sound. Fenris sighed and Iris burst out laughing. “You talked to my cousins, didn’t you?”

“Just Emma—she said you are partial to spicy. I saw that hanging off one of the displays and thought it would make a nice complement to the snacks.”

“It’s perfect; I’ll put him on the hot sauce shelf to act as the mascot.”

“You have a hot sauce shelf?”

“Everyone should have a hot sauce shelf.”

***

“Just friends.”

The statement rang hollow when she said it. Because deep down inside she knew it wasn’t what she really wanted. She wanted him back in her life the way he was before she learned the truth, before they both learned the truth. She wanted the Fenris who asked her out to dinner while still kissing her. The Fenris who danced with her to their song while also telling her he wanted to be with her. The Fenris who pulled her out of a coffee shop just to tell her he loved her. The problem was that she couldn’t separate that Fenris from the Leto he used to be. He had changed his life, changed his name, and she didn’t know how to let go of who she used to know. She couldn’t separate from the pain that had been his silence; the sadness of that year clouded her feelings for the man she had grown to love.

She had given him one last gift in the end. The chance to hold his tongue, to keep his past where it was, and to not have to share it with her. She knew it must have been a painful one for how much he had kept silent about it. In truth there was a part of her that didn’t want to know. She had maintained a belief for years that she had fallen in love with the wrong boy because she was young, naïve, and still hurting from the loss of her father. To have that be invalidated now was not something she was ready to admit, especially not to herself.

He could have said no, he could have said he wanted more. Why didn’t he?

_ Because you didn’t speak to him for months. Because you let him leave without a real goodbye. Because in the end you aren’t worth the pain it would be to share his entire being. You were a summer fling and a college romance _ — _ nothing more. _

Try as she might to fight those thoughts, they prevailed so long as he agreed to her suggestion. He wanted an out, and she gave it to him.

**Hawke** _ 5:45pm _

You working?

**Cullen** _ 5:56pm _

Nope just got back from the gym. How is everything? Your brother all right?

**Hawke** _ 6:03pm _

Nothing went beyond second degree, they are really optimistic about his recovery. Going to be moving everyone into my mother’s childhood home. Could use an extra set of hands that day

**Cullen** _ 6:05pm _

I’d be happy to help.

**Hawke** _ 6:07pm _

I could really go for a burger and a beer, maybe even a conversation with a friend. sound like something you might want to do?

**Cullen** _ 6:09pm _

Sure.

***

Merrill sipped her green tea and tried to concentrate on the notes in front of her. Hawke had been gone almost every day making all the arrangements to have the house ready. Merrill berated herself for feeling sad about the whole affair. All things considered it could be worse, Hawke was still going to be in Kirkwall. It wasn’t like she was leaving the city and never coming back. But Merrill still felt sad at the idea of having to stay in the dorm room by herself. No one to talk to at three in the morning when the study session was finally over, no one to order pizza with on a Thursday night when they were too lazy to walk to the dining hall, no one to make margaritas with in celebration of midterms being over with.

“Honey, I’m home!”

_ No more hearing that,  _ Merrill thought. She swept the sadness from her face and gave Hawke a smile.

“How was your day, sweetie?”

“Grueling, but the house will be ready by Friday.”

_ Only four more days then. _ “Oh that’s good, I guess you’ll be needing help with packing?”

Hawke turned and fixed her with narrowed eyes. “Well, yeah, but I figured we’d just help each other out. No need for each of us to only pack our own things.”

“Wait, what?” Merrill asked, her confusion coloring her face completely. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“Did you honestly think I was going to leave you behind?”

“Well I didn’t want to assume and it's not like I haven’t paid my dorm fees already…”

“Merrill, do you want to stay? I mean if you do, it's fine; I just thought...” Hawke was interrupted when Merrill came crashing into her. “That answers that.”

“I didn’t think you’d ask and I wasn't sure if I could and I just, really, I kept thinking about how much I would miss you and how lonely I would be and you have no idea how happy I am.”

“Best friend remember?”

“And you are mine.”


	15. Chapter 15

The house was in surprisingly good shape, considering it had been all but abandoned for almost eighteen years. Varric had several people come through a few days before they were set to move in. The walls were repainted, appliances were replaced, and the plumbing and electric were updated. Most of the furniture was surprisingly intact, and other than new mattresses for the bedrooms they hardly needed to purchase anything else.

When Leandra walked through the front door, she needed a moment to compose herself. 

“You all right, Mom?” Hawke asked, resting an arm over her shoulders. Leandra sniffled and nodded before pulling her in for a hug.

“I haven’t seen this house since the day I left. You weren't even born yet, and I stood in this hallway and told my parents I wouldn’t give up your father. I held you, well I held the area I knew you were,” she said with a laugh. “And I told them that the most important thing for my child was to have their father.”

“Thank you for that,” Hawke said with a grin. “I’m glad you got to come back, though. Other than the circumstances. Also thank you for letting Merrill come too.”

“Of course, she’s as much part of the family now as the rest of you.”

“Also helps that this place has more bedrooms than we have people to fill them. I still can’t believe you’re letting Beth and Seb share a room.”

“They live together already,” Leandra replied with a shrug. “Let’s not forget...”

“Pregnant with me at eighteen,” Hawke said with a smile. “You ready to start making this place our home?”

“Yes, yes I am.”

***

Leandra was moving clothes from boxes into the closet when she heard a light cough from behind her. 

“Excuse me, Mrs. Hawke.” The tall blonde her daughter had recruited was standing in her doorway, holding a large box marked, FRAGILE, DROP IT AND YOU DIE! “I would very much like to know where this goes so that I may set it down.”

Leandra laughed and pointed to the top of her vanity table. “My daughter has a terrible sense of humor. How did you two meet? I forgot to ask.”

“I bartend at Gallows Grill. We both work the slow nights so we’ve had a lot of free time to talk.”

“And what are your intentions?” she asked, frankly trying not to grin at the horrendous blush that crossed the man's face. 

“My intentions ma’am?”

“For my daughter; I’d like to know your intentions.”

“Mrs. Hawke,” he began.

“Leandra if you please. I daresay I have forgotten your name.”

“Cullen, and I can assure you I have no intentions in regards to Marian.”

“Good, because I would have to warn you that your pursuit is fruitless. My daughter's heart belongs to another and I would hate to see a nice man like yourself go after someone who can’t return your affections.”

“I am aware of her situation; she said they broke up last year.”

“They did, but she still loves him and he still loves her. I know it isn’t my place to pry or stir things up, but forgive me for being a overly protective mother.”

“No harm done. Is it too late to mention I have a girlfriend who I am very much head over heels in love with?”

“Why didn’t you say that in the first place? Now I’ve gone and embarrassed you for no reason.”

“I’m sure I’ll survive,” he said with a laugh before heading out the door. “Mrs. Hawke?”

“Yes?”

“For what it’s worth, I’ve seen my fair share of mothers who don’t care enough to be involved in their daughters’ lives. It’s nice to see one who does.”

***

“All right, I am going to be the first one to say it. Merrill, you don’t own enough shoes,” Isabela remarked as she placed the last pair on the now barely half full shoe rack. Hawke laughed and handed Merrill a set of shirts on hangers for the closet.

“I have no idea what you are talking about, I have just the right amount.”

“That's the problem, I see two pairs of running shoes, a pair of nice flats, one pair of barely high heels, those damn birkenstocks, and two pairs of boots. Where are the rest?”

“There isn’t a rest, Isabela; that's all the shoes I own.”

“This is a travesty. This weekend we are going shopping and I am buying you at least five pairs of new shoes. You’ll need at least one pair of heels for the wedding.”

Merrill froze in place and waited for the imminent disaster. 

“What wedding?” Hawke asked. “Who do we know that's getting married?”

“Mahariel,” Merrill responded brusquely. “I got the announcement two weeks ago. Said I would go.”

“Do you need a date?” 

Merrill looked at Hawke in shock, “You mean it?”

“Why, do you want to go alone?”

“No, it’s just I didn’t expect you’d want to go...your one meeting with her didn’t go so well.”

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t be going for her. It would be for you.”

“You really are my best friend,” Merrill said giving Hawke a hug.

“And you are mine.”

“So we’re still going shoe shopping, right?” Isabela asked with a grin.

***

“Hey there, little brother,” Hawke said brightly, stepping into Carver’s room. “I’m here to spring you from the joint.”

Carver looked up at her with a small smile. Hawke bit back the tears that always threatened to come forth whenever she looked at his face. Most of the left side was now covered in burns that gave his flesh the appearance of melted wax. The pattern continued down his neck, over his shoulder and his arm. He was lucky to have kept his hand and his ear, or at least that's what the doctors kept telling him. His arm was hidden however, the blankets pulled up all the way to his neck, his right arm holding the TV remote. “Thought Mom would be the one getting me.”

“She and Bethany are back at the house making all of your favorite foods. I told them to just order a pizza and make some pot brownies.”

Carver let out a snort and shook his head before turning off the TV. “All right, let's get moving then.”

“They have to finish filling out some paperwork, so it might be a while. Thought I would at least keep you company.”

“Thanks, I was watching something though. Do you mind if we...?”

“No not at all; silence is golden after all,” she said, taking a seat next to the bed. 

“I’m sorry,” Carver said suddenly after mere minutes of silence. Hawke looked up at him and tilted her head. “I should have called you. I should have asked if you were okay. I should have actually been your brother.”

“You are my brother, Carver. Kinda stuck with each other, you know.”

“It's not easy being your brother, you know.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m your brother, but I’m your younger brother,” Carver began. “When Dad died, it fell on me to be the man of the house. But you didn't need me, or didn't want me I guess. Or maybe it's just I was always afraid you were going to think I was trying to replace Dad.”

“I would never think you were trying to do that.”

“Wouldn’t I be?”

“No, and don't ever think that way again. I love you, Carver, and I don’t ever want you to think you’re not a good brother to me. You’re a wonderful brother.”

“I lied to you,” he said sheepishly. She noticed that when he looked down he seemed to be gazing at his left hand, or rather where it lay hidden under the blanket. “Peaches and I haven’t been together for months.”

“Why didn't you tell anyone?”

“I don't know, too proud to admit she left me. Too stubborn to accept the fact that you guys were always right about her. Probably a good thing, though. I doubt she would have stayed once she saw this,” he lamented gesturing to the burns along the side of his face. 

Hawke grabbed his hand and leaned in to kiss him on the forehead. “Shut up, you're still just as handsome as before. The scars will add character. Plus, girls love a story about a hero.”

“I passed out before I even found Dozer. For all we know he wasn't even in the house.”

“Doesn't matter, you risked your life to save him. That's the only story I care about.”

“I love you. I know I don’t say that enough. I’m going to try and say it more often.”

“I love you too, little brother.”

***

“You stupid asshole, I hate you!” 

The sound of a phone being slammed down on the receiver made Fenris jump more than the sudden outburst coming from Dara’s office. He had only come in to return a few of the professor’s books from her personal collection. He didn’t actually intend on interacting with her at all.

“You! Come in here,” she summoned him with a growl and he thought for a moment it might be better to just run. It was his last day; he didn’t actually have to talk to Dara Lavellan ever again if he didn't want to. The cold stares she gave him over the last week were a pretty good indicator she didn’t want to speak to him at all anyway. “If you run,” she persisted as he hesitated, “I will have Iris bring you back. Do not try me, Mr. Bellator.”

Fenris sighed, pushed open the door, and found Dara grabbing items off the shelves of her office and throwing them into a box. “Take a seat.”

“I’d rather stand.”

“Take. A. Seat.”

Fenris sat down hard and winced at the feeling of the hard wood on his tailbone. Between his eyes failing and his knees wanting to scream every time he stood up he was beginning to feel like an old man, a sensation he would not wish on even his worst enemy. Dara seemed to have found every item she was looking for and promptly sat at her desk. She tented her fingers together and took a deep breath.

“I would like to apologize for the behavior you witnessed from me last week and for my actions over these past few days.”

“There is no need, really, and if that’s…” Fenris said, making a move to stand.

“Sit down Mr. Bellator!”

“Yes ma’am.”

“I want it to be known and made very abundantly clear that I had no intentions on becoming involved with Solas. What you witnessed in my office was...a severe lack of judgement on my part.”

“What you do in your office is your business.”

“Not when it affects the lives of others. I had no right to cause you trouble, or to have your job be put in jeopardy, simply because I am a weak woman.”

“Love makes even the strongest heart break,” he said wistfully. “I hold no grudge against you. Nor do I think you put my job in any sort of danger. The professor knew you were here, and from what Iris has told me, this seems to be a repeating issue between the two of you.”

Dara laughed derisively. “If only it were as simple as that.”

“What is it then?” He found himself suddenly incredibly curious to peel back the layers of this woman. To learn what had caused his boss to forget logic and reason. To maybe even learn how to not end up in the same position himself.

“Solas is a passionate man, he gives his all to his work, his students, but not to himself or to anyone involved in his life. He has many secrets that he will not reveal.”

“Sometimes the past is best left where it is.”

“That sounds exactly like something he would say. I understand his past was very painful, but the fact that he wouldn't share it with me... it broke the trust we had. Combine that with his refusal to acknowledge me as anything more than...a colleague. That brought about the end of our relationship...the first time.”

“You keep coming back to each other?”

“We always manage to find our way back to one another. Chance, circumstance, tragedy, accomplishments, and every time it ends. And each time I find myself caring less and less when I watch him walk away.”

“You told him you hated him.”

“I do, but not all of him unfortunately. This box is for him by the way. I've held onto many of these things for far too long. It's time they went back to him.”

Fenris stood when Dara motioned for it and grabbed hold of the box she had set on the desk. It seemed to mostly be books, a few sweatshirts, and some photographs. On top was a wolf jaw pendant on a leather cord.

“Miss Lavellan,” he said quietly, before lifting it out to hand back to her. “It might hurt and it might not seem like a good idea. But you should keep one thing.”

“Why is that?”

He looked down at the red cuff and held it out for her to see. “Sometimes it's good to remember them, to remember that you loved them even for a short period of time.”

Dara took the pendant from him and nodded. “It was lovely having you here. Enjoy Tevinter.”

***

**Fenris (group text) __**3:45pm

All right what kind of sick joke are the three of you playing at?

**Emma __**3:46pm

I have no idea what you are talking about? Do you girls know what’s going on?

**Alyx __**3:48pm

Havent the foggiest

**Iris __**3:50pm

Is something wrong?

**Fenris __**3:52pm

You know every well what’s wrong! I got back to my hotel and they informed me that I have been checked out. That my ‘assistants’ came by and left with my things! Want to know the physical description I was given of my assistants?

**Alyx __**3:55pm

A lovely young woman with raven black hair?

**Iris __**3:57pm

An incredibly buff babe with pink hair and arms that could crush a man’s skull?

**Emma __**3:59pm

If they bothered to look into the car they might have seen a lovely blonde as well.

**Fenris __**4:02pm

Where are my things and why did you take them? Why did you check me out of my hotel?

**Iris __**4:04pm

Your things are at our place

**Alyx __**4:06pm

Where you will be staying for the next 2 days

**Emma __**4:08pm

Which is why we checked you out.

**Fenris __**4:10pm

Venhedis!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all the writing I do you'd think I'd have something to say in the notes. But I eventually get to a point where I have no idea what more to say.
> 
> I'm kinda sad that Fenris is leaving Skyhold though, its been really fun to write his interactions with the Trevelyans and bring out a new side to him. But Tevinter awaits and I am sure there are a few of you who can take a guess as to who and or what is waiting for him there.
> 
> Thank you as always for the comments, sometimes they are the only thing that keep me in the writing spirit.
> 
> Emma, Broody, and Ranna thank you as always for the beta and the encouragement.


	16. Chapter 16

He was woken up suddenly Thursday morning by Iris tugging his arm. He went to yell and had his mouth covered quickly. She dragged him into her bedroom, where Emma sat on the bed with her knees folded up to her chest.

“What the hell is going on!” he asked angrily. Iris put her finger to her lips and shut the door quietly.

“It's sixty degrees out,” she whispered. Fenris looked to Emma for an explanation, but she said nothing.

“Okay? A bit warm for January, but I don’t see the problem.”

“Just keep your mouth shut and we might survive.”

“Are either of you going to explain what is--” he was silenced by Alyx bursting through the door. She had on camo pants and a black tank top. A paintball mask was perched on top of her head and she held her gun over her shoulder.

“Suit up, bitches!”

“You just had to wake him up, didn’t you?” Emma said with a sigh.

“I couldn’t just leave him out there.”

“Iris, you can't save everyone.”

“Again, what the hell is going on?” Fenris asked.

“We’re going paintballing.”

 

***

He wasn’t sure why Emma and Iris had seemed so apprehensive about going paintballing. It only took an hour for them to start talking strategy and drawing battle plans in the dirt in between battles. Alyx was surprisingly quiet, considering she had been the one to drag them there.

“You’re quiet,” he said standing next to her. “Not going to strategize with those two?”

Alyx smiled and shook her head. “I’m the muscle, they’re the brains when it comes to this. Point me at the enemy and give me some cover fire; that's my strategy.”

“I’m shocked how into this they are,” Fenris remarked. “Emma was in the fetal position when Iris dragged me into her room.”

“This is how they always get. I drag them here kicking and screaming,” she said with a wave of her hand. “Once the first shots are fired they become seasoned warriors and nothing but winning matters to them.”

“I must admit I’ve never been to a field that provided grenades,” he said nodding to the bags of paint filled balloons. “Makes quite the mess.”

“Yeah, isn't it awesome? You’re gonna need one hell of a shower. Good thing that stuff doesn't stain, though I must say pink is a good color on you.”

He laughed and ran a hand over the top of his head. It came away a mixture of blue, pink and what looked like canary yellow swirled with orange. He felt strange for a moment, like his mind was trying to tell him something. It nagged at him as Emma and Iris explained their strategy. They would split into two groups. Alyx and Emma would flank, while Fenris and Iris would move forward, drawing out the other team.

He followed Iris, barely paying attention to what she said. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he had forgotten something and was only just now remembering it in perfect detail. But as they made their way through the woods and he saw the opposing team—all of them covered in a miasma of color—it all came flooding back.

 

***

_ Dan hadn’t let him return to school for his senior year. He wasn’t sure what he had told the school officials and the foster system to achieve it. Only that the week before he was set to return to school, he came home to find all of his belongings packed up. He didn’t even have it in him to fight it, the loss of his only contact with someone outside of his hellish life had broken him. _

_ Seheron was...humid...sweltering...and completely foreign to him. The very air felt like he was swimming through hot soup. He was used to the arid temperatures of Tevinter, a dry heat that settled in his skin, not this wash of pure unadulterated humidity. It would only be a matter of time before he gave up, before he told Dan he would step in line, he would submit to whatever he wanted. That was, until the day of the rally. _

_ “Fog Warriors,” Dan scoffed. “Bunch of low life free loaders.” _

_ Leto held his tongue at Dan calling anyone else a free loader, considering he had milked the foster system for every penny he could. Dan went on at length about how the Fog Warriors were nothing but modern hippies. Leto stopped listening and simply watched the group of people gathered in the park. Their leader had a megaphone and was getting the crowd to join him in a chant. He was too far to make out what they were saying, but they seemed to be happy. The closer they got, the clearer the words became. _

**_“A park in every town, a tree in every yard, green is life, green is love.”_ **

_ Leto wasn’t sure what came over him, only that he knew this was his one and only chance. _

_ He ran. _

_ He found himself immersed within the crowd, hoping to find a face, any face. A face that said they would listen, that they would help him. He saw her near the stage, long black hair, olive skin, a warm smile--she looked like his mother. _

_ “Please...please, you have to help me. I’m being held against my will by my foster father. Please...please, you have to help me get away.” _

_ The Fog Warriors’ preferred method of celebration was explosions of colored powders. They would throw balls of it at each other until every person was covered in a plethora of colors. It was the powdered paint that allowed him to escape with them: he was barely discernible from the rest of the people gathered in the park. For a moment when he fled, he swore he saw Dan out of the corner of his eye, reaching out to grab him. _

***

 

Iris grabbed him by the arm, jarring him from the memory. He reeled from her touch and let out a snarl. 

“Whoa now, you all right? You were heading straight towards the enemy camp,” Iris said, wide-eyed. He pursed his lips and nodded curtly. Her mouth opened to say something, but he ventured forward before she could try. He hadn't thought about the Fog Warriors in years. They had saved his life, given him a new one, and he had left them to the mercy of Dan’s wrath with hardly a look back.

A sudden burst of popping sounds brought him back full swing into reality. He and Iris ducked behind cover and watched as Alyx and Emma came charging from the other side of the clearing, both of them letting out war cries.

“Cover fire!” Iris yelled, resting her gun on the fallen tree she had used for cover and unleashing a torrent of paintballs at the enemy team. “Fenris, go for the flag!”

He took off running, ignoring the sounds around him as he followed the zigzag pattern Iris had taught him to make himself a tougher target. A paintball whizzed past his ear and shot into a tree in front of him, leaving a spatter of bright blue paint. 

“Get some!” he heard Alyx cry out as he broke through the clearing to the enemy camp’s fort. The flimsy red flag sat up on the top of the makeshift tower. He felt a surge of pride as his hand grasped the threadbare cloth and he held it up in victory. An air horn sounded and he was swept up into a back breaking hug by Alyx. Emma and Iris came running to him, ripping their masks off and cheering wildly.

“That was awesome, holy crap, we actually…” Emma was cut off by the sound of something wet striking her in the shoulders. Iris gasped and Alyx let out a groan. Emma reached back and pulled her ponytail over her shoulder. It was dripping with bright orange paint. Behind her was a member of the opposing team, trying to explain he didn't hear the air horn and thought the game was still on.

“Emma, we talked about this,” Iris intoned gently, while Alyx looked to be bracing for some sort of impact.

“My hair,” Emma growled, her eyes alive with fury. “You bastard!”

In the end they ended up being kicked out of the paintball fields with a one month suspension for misuse of paint grenades. Emma was furiously rinsing her hair in the bathroom while Alyx got their supplies wiped off and packed into the back of the Beast. Fenris and Iris leaned against the side of the car, listening to the sounds of Emma reeling in the bathroom.

“So, Emma is a bit protective of her hair, I take it,” Fenris said, smiling when Iris snorted in response. “Bit of an understatement then?”

“A bit? That’s her natural color and she is adamant about maintaining its health, luster, and shine,” Iris said with a snooty tone. “Alyx tried to convince her to dye it so many times.”

“She wouldn't even need bleach. Do you know how badly I would kill to have her color? I’d save so much money at the salon not needing a pre-treatment,” Alyx said as she shut the back gate on the jeep. “But no, the Princess can’t mar her precious locks.”

“I can hear you!” Emma yelled from the bathroom. “Do you know what my mother would do to me if I dyed my hair?”

“Congratulate you on joining the rest of us in the world of trying new things!”

“Do you remember when Eric got a mohawk?”

“No, when did he get a mohawk?”

“Exactly! You never saw it because my mother had a conniption fit and made him shave his head!”

“Finish up already, I am a sweaty mess and I need a shower!”

“Eric is Emma’s brother?” Fenris asked.

“Twin brother actually, and just as unbearable as she is,” Iris said with a laugh. “Aunt Emilie and Uncle Leopold decided to really up the ante when it came to having kids. Two boys and two girls, Gerhardt and Helena are the other two. Alyx has a brother too, Jonathan, though he prefers to be called Zane.”

“Zane?”

“He’s in a band. Alyx isn’t even her first name, her real name is...ouch!” Iris yelled out after getting pinched on the ass hard by Alyx.

“My real name is not up for discussion, nor is it going to be mentioned ever again,” she warned. “We all have our reasons for using a name different than the ones our parents gave us.”

Fenris nodded and gave Alyx a smile he hoped expressed a mutual understanding. Emma walked out of the bathroom with her hair tied up in a turban, rolling her eyes at the laughs her cousins gave her. “I call first dibs on the shower, if I don’t get conditioner in this I will have to track that man down and kill him for what he did to me.”

 

***

_ Days, weeks, maybe even months had passed. Time had become abstract, an illusion, or at least that's how he felt. Admittedly he had spent those days, weeks, and months in an almost permanent state  of intoxication--be it pot, mushrooms, alcohol or a combination of the three. No one had questioned it; somehow they all understood his need to escape into something. _

_ When he was coherent he told a few of them what had happened to him. The abuse, the threats, the hints that worse was to come... when they asked what had finally pushed him to run, he was forced to admit about the first night in Seheron. Dan had gotten them a hotel for the first night, a seedy place where road weary truckers would often stop for food, showers, rest, and _ — _ if the women around the corner were any indication _ — _ a bit of release. _

_ He had scarcely gotten into bed before Dan was on him. Pinning him to the bed, a hand over his mouth and the other at his throat. _

_ “Mark my words, boy,” Dan sneered, his cold blue eyes boring into him. “Before this trip is over you will heel. I will break you by any means necessary.” _

_ The black haired woman, Clover, had listened intently as he poured out his heart. The only detail he left out was the girl from the summer. He was too ashamed to admit that he had already forgotten her name; no amount of trying could force his mind to reveal it. All he could remember of her was bright blue eyes, and even they were beginning to fade.  _

_ “You need a new name,” Clover said to him once as he lay on the floor. She had been listening to him speak, all the while painting abstract white lines all over him. She had told him the symbols were meant to bring happiness and freedom, that she was setting him free. “Sit up.” _

_ He did as she bid and watched in amazement as she drew her brush carefully along his fingers. He wished he had a mirror so he could see the rest. She promised to take a picture so he could see what a masterpiece he made. “Close your eyes.” _

_ He felt the brush touch his forehead three times before feeling her breath ghost across his skin. Her lips pressed against his forehead and he sighed with contentment. “Leto is no more; open your eyes, Fenris.” _

_ “Fenris?” he asked, looking at her in puzzlement. _

_ “Fenris, it means little wolf. He tried to make you a dog; you are a wolf now and he can never tame you.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so excited to finally get to share the backstory I have created for Fenris.
> 
> As always your comments keep me going.


	17. Chapter 17

Fenris expected to see a familiar face when he landed in Minrathous. What he didn’t expect was that the face he recognized would be Dorian Pavus. He smiled brightly when their eyes met. 

“What are you doing here?” Fenris asked after shaking hands with him.

“I thought I’d meet you myself to give you a proper homecoming.”

“Homecoming?” Fenris asked, feeling his gut tighten. What did he know? Had he spoken to someone?

“Yes, to Tevinter, the country of your birth. How long has it been since your feet stood on her soil?”

Fenris sighed with noticeable relief, drawing a quirked brow from Dorian. “I think I was nineteen when I left, possibly twenty. Those years are sometimes a bit hazy.”

“Sounds like my second semester of graduate school.”

Fenris laughed, happy to have drawn attention away from his own anxiety. Coming home... Tevinter was not home; it hadn’t been for many years.“I expected Morrigan or Solas,” he said, changing the subject quickly.

“Morrigan sends her regrets. She did intend to be the one to meet you.”

“I find that incredibly hard to believe.”

“It seems she’s had a look at much of your notes. I daresay she is impressed with your dedication.”

“Glad I could find some way to impress her.”

“Are you really, now?” Dorian asked with a chuckle.

“There was a time where I might have said I could give a fuck less what she thinks of me,” Fenris said with a shrug. “But I’ve seen a new side of her and I can see that she takes her job seriously. Hard not to respect that.”

“Respect, yes; tolerate, maybe. Though I do love watching her keep Solas on his toes,” He replied with a bit too much mirth.

Dorian gave him a puzzled look when he retrieved his luggage. Dara’s box was amongst his bags; if Dorian was curious, he said nothing. The silence wasn't broken until they reached his car and were seated and buckled in.

“Tell me the truth; how is Dara?” he asked gravely as they drove out of the parking garage. “Don’t lie to me because you think I will start trouble with your boss. She is one of the few friends I have. I need to know if she is all right.”

Fenris sighed and stared out the window at the passing scenery. “I don’t know her nearly as well as you do, but from what I saw my last day she seemed almost serene. If that’s even the right word to use.”

Dorian sighed wistfully, ”That would definitely be a word I would use to describe her. I could kill the bald bastard for doing this again, but she’d kill me and I’m too pretty to die.”

Fenris laughed and Dorian soon joined in. “So is there anything I should be prepared for when we get there? Any reason for me to be on my guard?”

“Morrigan has Solas so busy, I daresay he only has time to be disagreeable a few minutes of every day. I worry what will happen if and when she decides to back off and let him make his own schedule again. Oh, and I hope you have better clothes than that in your possession.”

“What for?”

“You’re going to be in the paper. So I suggest you embrace the idea of being a little less taciturn when they interview you.”

Fenris felt his stomach drop and fought the urge to jump out of the car. The last time he had been in the paper…

_**Local youth arrested for assault, lays charges of fraud, abuse, child endangerment and kidnapping against former foster father. Business owner Dan A. Rius brought in for questioning.** _

He breathed in through his nose and exhaled slowly from his mouth, a trick he used many times to mask whenever he was feeling anxious or cornered. Years of memories were pushed to the back of his mind like so many times before. He would repress them as he always did, keeping the past locked tight to preserve his sanity. 

“I might have something even you would find suitable,” he said with a grin; humor seemed a good tool for keeping Dorian unaware of his mental state. The resulting laugh gave him a small measure of relief...crisis averted.

***

**Fenris __**5:57pm

I’ve arrived safe and sound in Tevinter.

**Hawke __**6:04pm

Is it anything like you remember?

**Fenris __**6:06pm

I’ve never been to Minrathous actually. So this place is less than familiar to me. 

**Hawke __**6:10pm

I always thought you were a born and bred city boy.

**Fenris __**6:12pm

I grew up somewhere very similar to Lothering actually. But I do prefer city life.

**Hawke __**6:14pm

Dare I ask the name of this town?

**Fenris __**6:20pm

Vyrantium, I won't be venturing there while I am here though. I have to do an interview for the paper. I’m not looking forward to it.

**Hawke __**6:25pm

I doubt they will ask you too many probing questions. Can you back out of it?

**Fenris __**6:29pm

Not without consequence. I’m worried they will try to find more about me. Being back here, while it's not where I grew up it is still home in a way. I’m sorry for troubling you with this.

**Hawke __**6:23pm

We’ve both given each other a few troubles, one more couldn’t hurt.

**Fenris __**6:25pm

Lol, only a few?

**Hawke __**6:27pm

Most of them were the good kind. I have to get back to work though. 

**Hawke __**6:29pm

It was really nice to hear from you. 

***

The interview, if it could be called that at all, was surprisingly quick and painless. They had asked him a few questions about his work, his aspirations for his future, and if he hoped to follow in the professor's footsteps. Not one word was asked of where he was from, why he left, or if he was happy to have returned. The photo from the article showed him seated with Solas looking over his notes, the caption read **Renowned author Solas Harellan with his assistant and Tevinter native Fenris Beltor**. They hadn’t even bothered to get his name right, he realized with chagrin. All that worry for nothing, it seemed.

True to what Dorian had said, Morrigan had a full schedule planned for Solas while he was in Tevinter. Book signings, lectures, appearances at local cafes--Fenris was once again left on his own to read, write, and repeat. Within two days he found himself missing not only Kirkwall and his friends there, but now the Trevelyans as well. He longed for the days when he was a loner, when friendships were the least of his concerns. Would he ever be that person again? Or had he been forever changed?

He pulled out his phone and considered messaging Hawke again. To tell her how the interview had been nothing to worry about after all. He considered telling her what had caused his fears to surface in the first place. He had no real reason to share it with her, but there was a part of him that longed for the opportunity. To make up for what he had failed to do when they were together. 

_I know this is random and out of the blue. But if you have the time I’d like to talk to you about something. The reason I was so nervous about being interviewed is because…_

“It really is you,” a somber voice from behind him said suddenly. The phone dropped from his hands and he felt his chest tighten. Five years since he heard her voice, five years since he told her to never speak to him again, and yet here she was. He turned around slowly, praying he was wrong, begging for his ears to be playing tricks on him. Green eyes looked at him from a pale face, her red hair pulled back into a tight bun, a look of pure awe on her face. “I knew it.”

“Why are you here?” he choked out, the shock of seeing her prevented him from saying anything more.

“I wanted to see you. It’s been too long, Leto.” She spoke in earnest, her hands clasped in front of her, like she was pleading for his presence to remain. Hearing her say his name, the name he gave up, sent a spark of anger through him.

“Don’t call me that. You are looking for a brother who no longer exists,” he said, seething, his hands gripping into the arm of the chair.

“My brother is right in front of me. Changing your name doesn’t change the fact that I am your sister.”

“No, but my feelings about you will never make that matter to me.”

“I saw you in the paper. Your name is different but I know that face anywhere. I thought maybe…”

“That you could just show up in my life and pretend that what you did never happened? I trusted you and you just handed me right back to him.”

“He got to me first, Le…Fenris,” she stammered. “I wanted to believe you, but he made it sound like you had lost your mind, and when you said everything he told me you were going to say it was hard not to believe him. How could all of that be true?”

“It was true. Every single part of it was true.”

“I know that now. I knew it when the cops showed up. I tried to come find you the next day but the officer said you had left. I tried to find you. I’ve been trying to find you for years.”

“Well, you’ve found me,” he quipped, his lip curling in a snarl before he walked past her. “You shouldn’t have come.”

“Fenris, wait. Please, I just...can we please just try?”

“Why, what is there between us besides pain?”

“There doesn’t have to be. Please, you’re my brother. I want you in my life.”

“Give me one good reason why.”

“Because my daughter wants to meet her uncle,” she pleaded. Fenris stopped in his tracks but didn’t turn around. Part of him yearned to run, to forget she had said those words. What did it matter if she had a child? He had no loyalty to her so he should have no feelings towards her supposed offspring. This could be another trick; Dan got to her again, he was being dragged back again…

_Dan is dead, Fenris. He’s dead, you know this…_

“You have a daughter?” he asked, feeling a twist in his gut as he turned to face her.

“Letonia,” Varania said with a smile when Fenris raised an eyebrow at the name. “She’s four.”

Fenris stared at her dumbfounded, unsure of what he was supposed to say. Varania seemed to sense his hesitation and pursed her lips together in concern. “Do you want to meet her?”

“Yes.”

***

Carver sat on the back porch alone, flexing his left hand. The doctor had given him a stress ball to help him regain the mobility over time, but the trouble was maintaining his grip. He muttered a silent curse when the ball slipped and curled his lip in disgust at his own ineptitude. It rolled across the wood panels and was stopped by a tiny foot wrapped in a strappy sandal.

“Hey,” Merrill said softly, leaning down to pick it up. He tried to smile as she walked towards him. But all he could muster was a slight curl to his lower lip; he was sure it looked positively horrible.

“I didn’t know anyone was here. Thought you went shopping.”

“Just got back.”

“Where is everyone else then?”

“Isabela went home, and Marian got a call about an open shift at the grill. So I thought I’d come see if you could use some company.”

“I don’t need anyone to take care of me,” he responded gruffly. It had taken every ounce of control he had not to outright scream at his mother that morning when she suggested someone stay home with him. She was treating him like an invalid and he hated it. Half the reason he hadn’t asked to join anyone on their errands that day was the opportunity to finally be left alone for a change.

“I didn’t say you did,” she replied, and the softness of her voice brought him a measure of comfort. “I just thought you might be lonely back here all by yourself.”

“I’m sorry for being an ass. My discharge papers came in the mail today.”

“From Ferelden? You’re not going back?” She sat down on the bench next to him and he fought the urge to shy away from her. He didn't like anyone being on his left side, he kept waiting for them to stare at his arm, his face, and see the pity. Merrill’s eyes stayed firmly locked on his own, her gaze never straying.

“It was not a decision made lightly, but I’m here now for the foreseeable future. Plus the recovery time needed pretty much made it clear it was the only choice.” He sighed and shook his head. He would not let her see him cry. “What am I supposed to do now, Merrill? My military career is done. I didn’t even bother taking my SATs. Who is going to hire a half-burned nineteen-year-old with no education save a high school diploma he barely succeeded in getting?”

“You can still take your SATs, Carver; you can still go to college. You can go to trade school. Your life isn’t over. Also, last I checked, you’re not half-burned. That’s an overestimation there.”

“Is anyone ever going to look at me again without looking at them first?” he said, gesturing to the side of his face. He hated to admit his own vanity. Despite reassurances from the doctors that in time the scars would fade, he still hesitated to even look at himself in the mirror. It was hard enough to look at his arm while trying to remember when his skin didn't look like it had melted.

“For what it's worth, I don’t see a scarred man. I see someone who risked his life to save a member of his family.”

“That's because you know how I got them, can’t exactly walk around with a sign that says ‘I got burned trying to save my dog, give me a kiss’,” he said sarcastically. Merrill leaned over and turned his face towards her own. Before he could speak she pressed her lips to his softly. He felt a flutter in his chest and sighed deeply when she pulled away. His lips stayed parted as he stared at her in awe.

“I thought maybe someone ought to give you what they give to heroes,” she said with a shy smile, a tiny blush blooming across her cheeks.

“You think I’m a hero?”

“Definitely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you really think I could send him to Tevinter and not have him see Varania again?
> 
> So I love the idea of Fenris being an uncle. Hell I love the idea of Fenris having a family. I ship him with so much happiness its not even funny. I've been really looking forward to this chapter the next few that come with it. 
> 
> So my secondary DA2 ship is most definitely Merrill and Carver. I've always loved them together and couldn't resist bringing it into this. 
> 
> As always thank you for reading and for those who comment thank you twice over.


	18. Chapter 18

Varania consented to give him her address rather than wait for him to be free that afternoon. Fenris needed the opportunity to back out if he so chose. Five years was a long time to spend angry at someone, and he had plenty to be angry for.

He’d eventually had to flee the company of the Fog Warriors and when he did, it was Varania he had sought out in the end. At the time he had not seen her in nearly twelve years, had not sent her any letters or maintained contact with her since the day she left with her new family. He found her address amongst Dan’s possessions one day and had committed the information to memory, writing it down every single day before burning the paper.

He had gone to her in his time of greatest need...and she had drawn him back into the viper’s nest.

A cold sensation ran down his spine the more he thought of that day, the day Leto died. There was no other word for it; everything that was Leto was gone before the sun rose the next day. He turned his back on everything that had happened to him and chose to pretend it was a life that never existed.

In some small way he blamed Hawke for all of this. She was the one who showed up unannounced into his life and made him decide to come out of his shell. His life at that moment was all a result of her and he hated her for it. Everything had been fine until she showed up. He kept to himself, he worked, he studied, he was surviving. She just had to show up and teach him how to live again.

The first thing he noticed about the neighborhood was that it was...old. If that was even the word to describe the slightly rundown buildings and the cracks in the sidewalk. A group of teens sat on the stoop across from where he stood, smoking what did not smell at all like cigarettes. He buzzed for Varania’s apartment and heard her voice crackle through the speaker.

“Fenris?”

“Yes,” he replied, his voice heavy with anxiety. The door let out a horrible buzzing sound as though the speakers wanted nothing more than to give up. The stairwell reeked of cigarettes and boiled cabbage as he ascended to the fifth floor, his chest heaving as he got to the top. He sent out a silent thank you to Emma for brow beating him into quitting smoking while in Skyhold. Varania was standing in the doorway as he approached, a hopeful smile on her face.

“Come in! Would you care for tea? I always have a cup around this time.”

He nodded and watched as she muddled about the kitchen. The inside of her apartment was a stark contrast to the outside. Bright paint covered the walls, with gauzy curtains to filter the glaring sunlight. The couches were old but clean—the floral print reminded him of much of the furniture in Dorothea’s home.

Noticing pictures hanging up on the walls, he walked over to look at them and felt his breath choke around a sudden sob. He hadn’t seen his parents’ faces in over a decade and there they were, staring back at him. His father Metis’ smile as bright as his red hair, the half moon spectacles he never seemed to be without hung low on his nose. His mother Mara, with her soft grey eyes and blue black hair, a knowing smile on her face as she held him hours after his birth. Varania walked into the room and he stepped away, rubbing at his eyes.

“Where did you get these?”

“Do you remember our neighbors? The Pells?”

“Barely.”

“Mrs. Pell, she snatched up as many pictures as she could from the house when they took us away. She had been fighting to get custody but the system was so flawed back then. Her son found me after she passed away, he found the box of photos with a letter attached,” she said with a wistful smile.

Fenris looked at the picture of what could only be his niece. A tiny girl with olive skin, deep green eyes, and impossibly long black hair. “This is her?”

“That’s Letonia.”

“Letonia, I still can’t believe you named her that,” he said with a chuckle.

“Letonia Maris,” she added with a smile. “I was a bit addled on the painkillers they gave me when I thought of it. But I wanted her to be named for the family I had lost.”

“When will she be home?”

“Her babysitter will be dropping her off soon; do you want to come out with me to meet her? Or just wait here?”

“Perhaps I should wait here,” he said, still staring at the picture. It was strange seeing pictures of himself next to the ones of his niece. Were it not for the age of the photographs and the pink clothing he would be hard pressed to say which were his baby pictures and which were hers.

“I knew she would look like you,” Varania said interrupting his thoughts. “As soon as she opened those eyes, I knew that I would look at her everyday and remember you and how I failed you."

“Those are Dad’s eyes,” he mused, remembering faintly the way his father’s eyes would crinkle when he laughed. He couldn’t remember the sound of his voice, but he never forgot his father’s laugh.

“I know, and I guess she’s the only one with Mom’s hair now,” she said with a laugh nodding to his snowy white locks. “Is that intentional?”

“As much as I wish it was, no. My hair started turning white shortly after…”

Varania nodded but didn’t inquire further. After glancing at the clock, she excused herself and said she’d be back shortly. He waited with bated breath, fighting every impulse to run. What good could he bring to this child’s life by meeting her? The door opened again and he felt his chest tighten.

Letonia walked into the house hand in hand with her mother, and got quiet as soon as she laid eyes on him. He smiled and she turned to press her face into her mother's arm.

“Letonia, this is your uncle Fenris. The one I told you about,” Varania said with a smile. Letonia eyed him suspiciously, her eyes trailing up and down his body, looking for some sign that he was the same boy from the pictures.

“Hello,” he said, trying his best to smile. Seeing his own eyes staring back at him from a face that was not his own was disarming.

“Mommy said your name is Leto, I’m named after you,” she spoke up suddenly, inching away from her mother slowly.

“That’s right, my name was Leto. I changed it a long time ago to Fenris.”

“Do I have to change my name too then?”

“Not if you don’t want to,” Varania said smoothing the hair on the top of her head.

“Why are you covered in paint?” Letonia asked, walking closer to inspect his hands. He found her curiosity to be endearing; it wasn’t the same stares he was used to.

“I’m not; these are tattoos. They don’t go away,” he said with a bemused smile.

“I want a tattoo,” she said to her mother.

“Maybe when you’re older,” Varania replied with a laugh.

“Mama says you went away for a long time,” Letonia said, her attention now solely focused on him. He knelt down to meet her at eye level.

“I did.”

“Did you run away?”

Fenris looked to his sister, unsure of what he should say.

“Remember when Mommy told you about how she lost her mommy and daddy?” Varania said, kneeling down and laying an arm over her daughter’s shoulders. Letonia nodded in response. “Well, sometimes when little boys and girls lose their moms and dads, they can’t stay together. Your uncle Fenris and I couldn’t stay together. We tried very hard to, but without a mommy and daddy to keep us together we had to say goodbye.”

“Do you have to say goodbye again?”

“No,” Fenris said and Varania looked up at him with an almost pained expression. “Mommy and I are older now, so we don’t have to say goodbye anymore.”

“Are you staying for dinner?”

“Do you want me to?”

“Yes, I like you, even though you’re covered in paint.”

“It's not paint.”

 

***

 

Fenris spent most of the next day replaying the previous day’s events over and over in his mind. Dinner had been awkward, between the million questions Letonia asked him, and the ways he had to skirt around sharing the actual details of his life. What was worse was the conversation he had with Varania shortly before he left.

_ “What you said before...about not having to say goodbye again. Did you mean it?” _

_ “I...I don’t know.” _

_ “For her sake if you can’t forgive me...then don’t come back. Don’t come into our lives and then decide that you want nothing to do with me again. If it were just me then yes I would let you take all the time you want, I would be happy to have you pop back into my life and then leave again at a moment’s notice no matter how much it hurt,” she said with a fierce look in her eyes. “But I can’t let you do that to her. Her father couldn’t decide if he wanted to be in her life so I made the choice for him.” _

_ “I understand.” _

Dorian coughed quietly to signal his presence. Fenris was always thankful for that. After a month of having Iris pop out of nowhere it was pleasant to have someone around who wasn’t insistent on giving him a heart attack.

“You look like a man who needs a stiff drink...or two,” Dorian said knowingly. Fenris sighed and leaned back in his chair. “Perhaps three? What in the world happened to you?”

“The past came back and brought a few friends with it,” Fenris deadpanned. “But you’re right, I definitely could use a drink.”

“Well you’re in luck. My  _ amatus  _ is going to be exceptionally late tonight and told me to start my evening without him. I told him I will be having drinks with someone younger and shorter than him and it's made him rather jealous,” Dorian said with a smirk that turned into an undignified guffaw at Fenris’s expression. “My goodness you look like a deer caught in headlights. I am teasing you, though after seeing that look I might reconsider ever doing it again.”

“Sorry, just...I’ve been in a strange place lately as far as relationships are concerned. So the idea of messing with one,” Fenris began before Dorian laughed. “That sounded ridiculous didn't it?”

“Not at all, considering I’ve had my fair share of relationships go to strange places. So shall we be off?”

“Yeah, let’s get the hell out of here.”

 

***

 

**Fenris** _ 8:45pm _

You greatly understated just how tall your brother is.

 

**Iris** _ 8:47pm _

What are you talking about?

 

**Fenris** _ 8:50pm _

I mean I figured you just found him to be freakishly tall given how small you are. But you weren't kidding when you called him a behemoth.

 

**Iris** _ 8:52pm _

When the hell did you meet my brother?

 

**Fenris** _ 8:54pm _

Ten minutes ago. He says he resents being called a behemoth, that you both agreed years ago he was merely gigantic.

 

***

 

Xander Trevelyan wasn’t a behemoth, but still, Iris had not been joking when she called him monstrously tall. He stood almost a full head and a half taller than Fenris. The added bulk of the corded muscle that covered his chest and arms painted a very imposing picture; his jovial attitude, however, didn’t match his stature. Had he never mentioned his last name, Fenris would never have considered he could be related to Iris at all. But once he found out he began to see the similarities—they both shared jade green eyes and deep black hair, and they both had a smile that begged to be returned. Fenris liked him immediately.

“So how is my little sister? Still buried deep in her books?”

Fenris laughed, “Yes, but she did come up for air often enough to talk circles around me with your cousins.”

“Ah, so you got to meet all three of them. You should see us at family reunions.”

“Iris mentioned some of your mother's...colorful histrionics.”

Xander and Dorian exchanged a look that spoke volumes. Fenris remembered the conversation at Vivienne’s party and suddenly everything began to click into place. Letonia kept crossing his mind, those bright eyes and that shy smile... he had a family out there. One that cared. Why was he squandering it over petty events that no one could have foreseen occurring?

“I’m glad she’s happy though; I don’t see her as often as I should. Any siblings of your own?”

“A sister, but we’ve been estranged for quite some time.”

“How long?”

“Five years. I saw her yesterday for the first time since then, actually. I met my niece, who I had no idea existed. Still not sure if I want to continue seeing either of them.”

Xander pursed his lips and gave him a pointed look. “I’m generally not one to pry, or to poke my nose where it doesn’t belong.”

“You are Iris’s brother, so somehow that surprises me.”

Dorian laughed heartily, despite the glare he received from Xander. “He has a point.”

“Point noted. From one brother to another though--don’t be a stranger. I spent a good amount of time avoiding my family, Iris included. It took quite a few years to mend that bridge and sometimes I still worry I’m gonna break it with my lumbering.”

“You say a great deal for someone who doesn’t mean to pry.”

“Sometimes it’s good to hear unsolicited advice. Either that, or I have had way too much wine and I’ve become a sap.”

“A very cute and adorable sap though,” Dorian said lovingly, pressing a kiss to Xander’s cheek. The other man smiled and leaned into the touch. Fenris suddenly found himself very lonesome, missing the comfort that was another person who loved and cared for him. Or maybe he just missed his friends and the security they brought him.

_ Or maybe, not for the first time, you miss your sister... _

“If you will excuse me for a moment,” he said, leaving the table. He stepped outside and pulled out his phone. His heart rate quickened as he dialed the number and waited.

“Hello?” her voice said on the other end of the line; he could hear the nervousness in her tone.

“It's me; I’d like to have lunch with you tomorrow. Can you meet me?”

“I can, but Letonia has a play date. I’d hate to cancel it on her.”

“That's all right; I was hoping to just spend some time with you.”

“All right, tomorrow then.”

“Tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!!!
> 
> So I know publishing days are Tuesday and Thursday but honestly I couldn't wait any longer to post this one.   
> If there's ever a top ten list of chapters I have written this may very well be in the top five.
> 
> Metis and Mara are the creation of my wonderful beta rannadylin, seriously read her fic, Hawquisition, because Metis is a treasure. I can't see anyone else as Fenris' father anymore because of it.
> 
> Letonia is my own creation, I had the sudden inspiration to give Fenris more family and that little sweetheart took on a life of her own. 
> 
> Xander Trevelyan some of you may recognize as the Inquisitor from my collaboration fic, We March As One, once again I can't see Dorian with anyone else but him, and since his little sister has already appeared it only made sense for him to join this as well.
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter because as I said, I really enjoyed writing i


	19. Chapter 19

Isabela was sprawled across her couch with a glass of wine in her hand and Ser Pounce in her lap. Her mood could only be described as utterly bored to shit.

The fact that she had nothing to do on a Tuesday night shouldn't have been as dreadful as it felt. The cafe was busier than ever, and with Jethann still out of commission she had been working almost every day, sometimes double shifts to pick up the slack. She was unwilling to even attempt to find another assistant manager for the sake of keeping her friend’s job available for him when he returned.

She soon realized that her boredom was more akin to loneliness, a feeling she had forgotten for some time. Isabela’s life was never lonely: she had friends, she had temporary companions and most importantly, she had herself. She didn't need or want anyone else.

_ Then why haven't you been with anyone since he left? _

She told herself that her celibacy was a result of not finding anyone worth her time. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she missed Anders. Nor did it have to do with the growing realization that her fondness for him extended well beyond their bedroom activities.

They texted each other when they had the time, though their schedules never matched so it was a game of tag half the time; a single conversation could take hours to complete. He called occasionally and she did her best to answer every time. Neither of them had asked the other to wait, to stay loyal, and neither of them asked the other if they had.

She hated to admit it, but she was afraid of his answer. Afraid that her hesitance, her unwillingness to share her feelings, had pushed him away in the end. That he would find someone in Orlais that made him reconsider coming back.

The sudden feeling of heavy weight pressing into her ribs broke her out of her thoughts. Ser Pounce had promptly sat up and used her stomach as a springboard to launch himself to the floor. He skittered across the living room, excitedly running to the front door, his tail waving back and forth in earnest. Isabela hadn't seen Ser Pounce act that excited for anything but food in the entire time he had been in her possession.

“What's gotten into you, crazy head?” she asked, rubbing her stomach gingerly. His only answer was to paw at the door anxiously; a pathetic mewling erupted from his mouth. She rolled her eyes and took a moment to stretch her legs before peering through the peephole in her front door. She couldn't see anyone but caught a glimpse of what looked like a basket. She unlocked the deadbolt but kept the security chain in place. As she opened the door, Ser Pounce bolted through the opening, somehow managing to squeeze his entire mass through.

“Pounce!”

She shut the door quickly, flipped the chain and reopened the door; she could hear Pounce’s collar bell jingling as he ran down the stairs. What held her attention however was the tiny white basket sitting in front of her door. Lying asleep on a pillow inside was the fluffiest calico kitten she had ever seen. Her yelling for Pounce had roused the little one and it opened a pair of bright blue eyes to stare at her. A little card sat nestled behind her that declared she was “Her Ladyship, Princess Poof”.

 

She smiled as she heard the footsteps coming up the stairs. Reaching out, she picked up the kitten and cradled it to her chest before turning to face Anders. He had a playful grin on his face and Ser Pounce in his arms, purring non-stop. Isabela picked up the basket and laid the sleepy kitten back inside. They walked into the apartment and she set the basket down near Pounce’s food and water dishes, just in case it woke up again.

“Thought you’d like her,” he said coming forward to kiss her on the forehead. “Wasn’t sure how to make the right introduction, but I see my trusty knight helped out.”

“I’ve never seen him so excited for something that wasn’t food,” she chuckled. “Should have known it involved you for the way he acted.”

“He missed me,” Anders said lovingly, looking down at his cat before meeting her eyes again. “Did you?”

“What kind of question is that? You know I missed you.”

“How much, though?” he said offhandedly, gently setting Ser Pounce down on the couch.

“Why the sudden need for validation?” she asked anxiously, suddenly wishing she was wearing something other than loose shorts and a tank top.

“Because all of my belongings are in the rental car outside. I need to know where I’m unpacking it.”

“Anders…” she said softly, suddenly very nervous. This was it, he was back and this was her chance. Why did it suddenly feel like her entire throat was closing up and her skin was ready to crawl off and leave her body. “We talked about this.”

“Funny enough, no we didn’t,” he replied, his voice even and calm. “We tried to talk about it and we took off our clothes instead.”

“That is after all our favorite pastime,” she said with a shrug, he moved closer to her and she felt goosebumps break out over her arms. “Are you sure about this?”

He took her hand and laid it over his heart; she could feel the rapid beating against her palm. With the other he lifted her chin to look into her eyes.

“Bela, I love you,” he said in earnest, and her breath caught in her throat. “I know I never say it and frankly neither do you but it's stupid not to. I love you. I never thought I would love someone, but there you go. If you tell me all we are going to be is fuck buddies for the rest of our lives then I’ll take it. You wanna get married and bring home random people for surprise threesomes, I’ll do that too. But I am tired of pretending there’s nothing between us--aren't you?”

“I never once pretended there was nothing, but I don’t know how to be something. I don’t want to wake up in five years, ten years, twenty years and have you look at me and say we wasted our time.”

“This could never be a waste of my time. We’ll go about it any way you want. I don’t care, I just want to be with you.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Say, ‘Anders, go get your bags and come back inside’.” he whispered against her lips.

“Anders, take me to bed and bring your bags up later,” she whispered back before kissing him in earnest. He hoisted her up, wrapping her legs around him, and carried her off. As they entered the bedroom he stopped for a moment and gave her a serious look.

“What?” she asked.

“Say it first. Say it so that I know, please.”

“I love you too, you big idiot.”

 

***

Carver and Merrill were sharing the couch in the sitting room, reading in silence. Carver, in an effort to show he wasn’t at all traumatized by it, started a roaring fire in the fireplace to keep them cozy. Merrill had managed to move from sitting on one end of the couch to sitting next to Carver, until finally she propped a pillow behind her head and had her feet resting in Carver's lap. If he was bothered by her constant movements he said nothing.

Eventually she began to notice his fingers softly running over her ankles, over the tops of her feet and the tips of her toes. She moaned softly when his thumb pressed into the ball of her foot, massaging out an ache she hadn’t even realized was there. He soon abandoned his book and used both hands to gently massage her feet, occasionally tickling her toes to make her giggle.

“You are entirely too good at that,” she said, pressing her book to her face to hide her blushing. Her laughter turning to a very suggestive groan when his hand made its way up the back of her calf.

“Wow,” he said, his voice almost straining. “Never had that sort of reaction before.”

“My legs are...sensitive,” she said, still hiding her face. “You just happened to hit a rather delicate spot.”

“Do you want me to stop?”

She removed the book from her face and propped herself on her arms to look at him. He had a look of genuine concern on his face and she found it entirely too endearing. She went to speak but was interrupted by the sound of the front door slamming open and Hawke’s voice echoing through the house.

“Merrill, I need you!”

Merrill sighed in exasperation and removed her feet from Carver’s lap. She walked with slumped shoulders into the kitchen and replaced her annoyed look with one of concern as soon as Hawke came into her view.

“What happened now?” she asked.

“That stupid bitch Petrice stole my glory,” she said, flopping down at the kitchen table. Merrill began moving about the kitchen to grab a plate of cookies and prepare a pot of coffee. Carver was soon next to her and ushered her to go sit at the table with his sister.

“How so?” Merrill inquired, sitting down next to Hawke. Her eyes kept glancing over to Carver as he milled about the kitchen.

“Chef Arianni has been watching the top level students to decide who is going to lead the baking team at the Spring banquet. Today was the day she made her choice and so of course today is the day my souffle skills were not on point. Didn't help that Petrice kept rambling on the entire time I was working, which distracted me.”

Carver put a full plate of cookies out on the table and handed them each a cup of steaming coffee. Merrill took a sip and was surprised to find that he knew exactly how she liked it. Hawke was enjoying hers as well; there was silence for a good minute as she savored it.

“I thought I was a shoe-in for the position, but that souffle did me in.”

“Is there another high position you can push for?” Carver asked, and Hawke looked up at him in surprise, as though his interest somehow came as a shock.

“Petrice gets to pick her team, and if she doesn’t pick me I will be relegated to a different station,” Hawke moaned. “If I know her, she’s going to pick her three buddies and leave me in the dust. I’m ten times better than those three put together; I should just automatically be put on the team. But Arianni believes in allowing head chefs to choose their team.”

Merrill pulled her in for a one-armed hug and Carver came over and planted his chin on top of her head, causing her to start laughing. “Thanks for the coffee, Carver,” she said, taking another sip.

“No problem,” he said before planting a kiss on the top of her head. Merrill smiled to see the ease he had showing his sister affection now. The near death experience had changed both of them for the better. “Besides, the more you drink, the less you whine.”

Merrill rolled her eyes and sighed; some things were better not changing in the end. Hawke suddenly jumped up as though she was shocked, awkwardly reaching with her free hand to pull something from her back pocket. Merrill soon realized it was her phone but at that point was giggling too hard say anything more.

“Isabela wants us to come over, says to drag our asses over immediately,” Hawke said, reading over the text. “Wonder what she’s on about.”

“I’ll see you guys later then,” Carver said as he went to leave the room.

“You don't want to come?” Merrill asked, her voice a little too high pitched.

“I wasn't invited,” he responded with a shrug.

“Nonsense, you’re a Hawke and you’re part of the gang now,” Hawke joined in, flashing her a brother a smile. “It's about time you got out of the house as well.”

“Sun's going down so I should be ok,” he noted glancing out the window. “I feel like a damn vampire with all of this avoiding the sun business. I miss my morning runs.”

“You’ll be out and about in the sunshine soon enough, we can do nightly runs til then if you’d like,” Merrill offered quickly, trying her best to avoid the knowing look Hawke was giving her. “Let’s walk to Isabela’s place, fresh air will be good for everyone.”

 

***

 

**Anders** _ 1:03am _

So of course Varric knew I was back, spilled the beans as soon as he walked in. You didn’t have anything to do with that did you?

 

**Fenris** _ 1:05am _

And have to listen to you bitch at me for god knows how long for ruining your surprise?

 

**Anders** _ 1:07am _

Good point, thanks for the advice btw. Suffice to say I am now a taken man.

 

**Fenris** _ 1:10am _

That's really good to hear. You’re good for each other. How does it feel to be home?

 

**Anders** _ 1:13am _

It's not the same without you here man. I need my best friend back you know?

 

**Fenris** _ 1:15am _

Is this a bad time to say I don't know if and when I will be coming back?

 

**Anders** _ 1:18am _

Anytime you say you’re not coming back is a bad time! When the hell did you make this decision??

 

**Fenris** _ 1:20am _

I have not yet. 

 

**Anders** _ 1:23am _

Don't make any rash choices yet. Come back first please. I fucking miss you. As sappy as that sounds.

 

**Fenris** _ 1:25am _

It's not sappy. I miss you too. Now go cuddle with Bela so i can go back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anderbela is back!!
> 
> I am very happy to put those two together, as I have said before it honestly started out as them just having a bit of fun. Next thing I know I'm coming up with more reasons for them to be together and suddenly I ship it, at least in my own little modern universe.
> 
> Thank you as always for the love and the comments.


	20. Chapter 20

Fenris had lunch with Varania every day that week. Sometimes Letonia would join them, but it was usually just the two siblings. They talked about their lives during the years they had been separated. Letonia’s father was brought up once, and Varania made it clear that he was not a part of her daughter's life. Fenris didn’t press her further on the subject. It pained him to see her in the same position as their mother: single and working two jobs to support herself and her daughter. 

“I owe you an explanation,” he said to her Friday afternoon after they had finished their meal.

“An explanation for what?” she asked warily.

“For why I let them separate us,” he replied somberly. “Do you remember that day?”

“Hard to forget your little brother telling you he hates you, especially since days previous we swore we’d never be apart.”

“I did it for you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was always so angry all the time; I remember that vividly. I barely remember when Dad died... only that Mom couldn't stop crying. But we had each other. I remember that. I remember Mom being tired all the time--how many jobs did she have?”

“Three before she passed.”

“Like mother like son,” he mused. “When we were in foster care, all I wanted was to go home. I didn't understand why we couldn't go home and every day I got angrier and angrier. I know that's why they couldnt find us a permanent home. Every time I would do something that got us sent back. ‘Leto is too much trouble. Varania is a darling. We’d have an easier time placing her if she would just consent to be separated from her brother.’”

“Who in the world told you that?” she asked in shock.

“No one. I heard them saying it after we were rejected from the third foster home. The one they insisted I would thrive at, with plenty of boys to play with.”

“I remember those boys being rude and complete bullies to you. I also remember you punching one of them for trying to grab my chest,” she growled through pursed lips.

“The counselors were discussing us and their limited options. I don't know if they realized they left the door open, but I heard them. In my own mind, I thought that the only way you could be happy was if you left. Mom and Dad left, so why shouldn't you. I was a young stupid child who heard the wrong thing at the wrong time.”

“Fenris,” she said, reaching out to take his hand. For once he didn't flinch away. It had been hard at first, even being near her; he had so much anger to get through. But now, now that he had a chance to tell her all the reasons why things went so terribly for them, now he could accept her affections.

“So I told you I hated you and I never wanted to see you again. Because I thought I was helping you.”

“They placed me less than a week later.”

“And two years later they finally gave up on me and sent me to Dan,” he said grimly. “The problem children always went to Dan in the end. That's how he liked it. The worse they were, the better. No one checks in on the problem children--they're just happy to be rid of them.”

“I’m sorry for not believing you. I should have listened to you.”

“Who could blame you for thinking I had gone mad? Dan was good at that--convincing people of his lies. I should have realized he had gotten to you first. I should have stayed away, for your sake.”

She shook her head and sighed. “All of our troubles started and ended with you trying to do what you thought was best for me. Maybe it's good that you did something for yourself in the end.”

“Is it though? You have no idea the sort of life I have lived since that day.”

“A decent one, considering where you are now. Research assistant to a famous author...can’t really have been that bad.”

“I took a lot of people down with me.”

‘“Intentionally?”

“No,” he admitted.

“Well then, perhaps you should learn to forgive yourself for the things that have been beyond your control. They would have separated us eventually, Fenris; it was only a matter of time. Dan would have used me in any way, shape, or form to get to you. So I give you permission to let go, and to allow yourself to be happy at where you are now.”

Fenris stood up so swiftly it made the table shake and Varania feared for a moment he was leaving. Instead he reached for her hand and pulled her to him in a fierce hug. The moment, however, was interrupted by the sudden vibration between them.

“Is that you?” they both asked simultaneously before laughing as they each pulled out their phone. Varania held hers up and rolled her eyes before answering.

“Hello,” she said, sitting back down. Fenris signalled the server for the check and waited.

“Oh no, no, you can’t be serious,” she said frantically. “No, I understand, it's just...I don’t have anyone else. No I understand, please don’t think I am angry with you.”

He did his best to not listen in on the one sided conversation, but obviously something had gone wrong and he couldnt deny he was concerned. She ended the call and buried her face in her hands.

“Is everything alright?” he asked tentatively.

“No. That was Letonia’s babysitter. Her mother was in a car wreck and she needs to go to Qarinus. I have the evening shift tonight and a double tomorrow and no one to take care of Letonia for the weekend. I suppose I could try…”

“I’ll do it,” he spoke up, stopping her thoughts. “I’ll stay for the weekend.”

“Really?”

“I’m leaving in a few days. I should spend some more time with her before I go.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m your brother, she’s my niece. Isn't this what I’m here for?”

***

 

**Fenris** _ 5:34pm _

Quick I need advice for how to entertain a 4 year old girl

**Iris** _ 5:36pm _

Context please?

**Fenris** _ 5:38pm _

I’m babysitting, I’ve never dealt with children before and I am completely out of my element with this.

**Iris** _ 5:40pm _

Who the hell are you babysitting?

**Fenris** _ 5:42pm _

My niece, stop asking questions and tell me how to not screw this up

**Iris** _ 5:45pm _

How have you not spent enough time with her to know what she likes?

**Fenris** _ 5:47pm _

I only just met her a week ago

**Iris** _ 5:49pm _

How did you not know you had a niece?

**Fenris** _ 5:52pm _

It's complicated

**Iris** _ 5:54pm _

Your entire existence is complicated

**Fenris** _ 5:56pm _

No shit, help me!

 

***

“Are you absolutely sure about this?” Varania asked him for the third time since he arrived at her apartment.

“Yes, it will be nice to spend some time with her before I go,” he answered, giving her an admonishing look. In truth, he was petrified of the idea. He'd never spent much time around children before, let alone one that was related to him.

“Uncle Fen!”

Letonia bounded into the living room and was swept up into a hug, laughing as Fenris spun her around the room. He hoped her enthusiasm for his presence would lend itself to good behavior.

“Momma says you're my baby sitter this weekend.”

“That is correct.”

“Can we order pizza tonight?”

Fenris saw Varania purse her lips tightly. He recognized that look. Their mother wore it often after their father passed. It was the look of a parent who hated to keep having to say no to even the simplest requests, like pizza for dinner.

“Pizza sounds wonderful. Why don't you go find a movie for us to watch and let me talk to Momma a little bit more all right?”

“Okay!”

Fenris pulled his sister into the kitchen.

“You really don't have to…” she began.

“I want to,” he interrupted her.

Varania sighed and gave him a nod. She kissed Letonia on the top of her head before giving a wave to both of them. “Be good for your uncle.”

“I will Momma. Have fun at work.”

They watched a movie about singing fish. Fenris stopped paying attention after the third song in less than twenty minutes. Rather than sit through another one he instead tried to find other ways to entertain his niece.

They danced in the living room to pop music, braided each other's hair, and played princess and dragon. Letonia insisted on saving herself, she didn't need a Prince, just a dragon to fight and tame.

Fenris knew his back would be killing him the next day. But the pure laughter Letonia exuded as he crawled about the floor with her riding on his back made it worth it. After a pizza and cookie dinner he got her set up in the bath tub, making her promise to call for him if she needed help.

He sat in the small kitchen and stared at the past due notices hidden behind finger paintings on the fridge. It pained him to think of Varania being in the same position as their mother. Working multiple jobs, struggling to pay the bills, and just like their mother, hiding the evidence behind colorful pictures.

“Uncle Fen.”

He turned and doubled over in laughter at the sight in front of him. Letonia had wrapped herself in a towel that was entirely too large for her little body and she had wrapped a hand towel over her head like a turban.

“You’re making the floor wet,” he said with a smile. He helped her into her pajamas and got her tucked into bed.

“I need a story Uncle Fen,” she said and he turned to her little bookshelf. “No, not one of those.”

“Well what story do you want me to read then?”

“Momma says you read books for your job. I don’t want you to work. Tell me a story.”

Fenris thought for a moment. He’d certainly read enough fantasy stories that he could retell her one. “All right, I think I have one you’ll like, do you want to start it for me?”

“Once upon a time…”

_ Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away _

“Uncle Fen that’s how Star Wars starts!”

“I know, this story starts that way too.”

“Oh, okay.”

_ Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away, there lived a prince and princess. _

_ The prince and princess were happy, with their mother and father, but sadly, the king died. The queen tried her best to run the kingdom and take care of the prince and princess, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't keep enemy kingdoms at bay. So she sent the prince and princess away from the kingdom so they would be safe. _

_ The prince knew he would have to go on a long journey to find a way to save his kingdom and that would mean leaving behind his sister. To stop her from trying to follow him he told her hated her and that he never wanted to see her again. That broke the princess's heart and she let the prince run away and didn't try to follow him. _

_ The prince was found by an evil sorcerer who would capture little boys and girls and keep them with him forever to be his servants. But the prince was too brave and too strong to be tricked into becoming a servant to the evil sorcerer. He tried for years to break the prince’s spirit but nothing he did would work. Finally one day he locked the prince away in an enchanted forest and commanded that no creature speak to him. _

_ All of the woodland creatures were afraid of the sorcerer and none of them would speak to the prince. He was very lonely and sad, for he had never been alone before. He sat in the middle of the woods and cried. A little bird high in the trees heard him crying and flew down to rest on his knee. She wasn't afraid of the evil sorcerer, for she was too small to be caught and could fly away to the tops of the trees to escape him. _

_ The little bird stayed with prince every day. She taught him what plants in the forest he could eat, and how to build a house to sleep in. The little prince and the bird became best friends but the prince knew that one day the sorcerer would return for him. So the little bird found a special reed and gave it to the prince. She told him that all he had to do was blow into the reed and it would play a song that only she could hear and she would come find him. _

_ Finally the day they had been afraid of arrived. The sorcerer returned for the little prince and took him away from the forest. The prince tried to whistle for his little bird but the sorcerer found the reed and burned it. The prince was all alone again and very sad. _

“Did the prince give up?” Letonia asked, wide-eyed. Fenris smiled and shook his head.

_ The sorcerer stole the prince away to a new land to take him even farther away from home. He hated the prince, and hated his pride. So he tried to turn the prince into a dog, but the spell failed. The prince was almost ready to give up when he found a group of rainbow fairies. They covered him in their magical colored dust that made him invisible. They took him away to their kingdom in the trees. _

_ The fairy queen kept him safe. She cast a magic spell that changed the prince into a wolf, so he could hide.  But the sorcerer captured the fairies and locked them in their dungeon. The prince ran. He tried to find the princess again, to get her help, but the sorcerer got to her first, and he had her under his spell. The prince fought the sorcerer to save his sister but before he could destroy him the sorcerer cast one final spell. _

_ “You want to be a wolf now? Then a wolf you shall be forever!” _

_ There was flash of bright light and when the princess tried to find her brother all she found was a white wolf. The spell had erased the prince’s memory, he forgot his home, his family, everything. _

_ So the prince--now a wolf--began to wander and build a new life, leaving his kingdom behind. _

“That’s a very sad story, Uncle Fen,” Letonia said when he had finished. Fenris kissed her on the forehead before pulling the covers up to her chin.

“I’ll tell you the rest tomorrow. How about that?”

“There’s more?” she asked excitedly.

“Definitely. Tomorrow I will tell you how the wolf was saved by the Lady Hawke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who comment, thank you so much.
> 
> I've been feeling a bit bogged down and worried no one likes this part as much as the others. Your kind words keep me going.


	21. Chapter 21

Fenris waited until Letonia was asleep before examining the bills on the fridge. Two past due credit card bills, a first warning for back payments on the electric, and a final notice for her cell phone. Within three hours he had them all paid for in full, the electric was set to come out of his bank account every month, and he had transferred her cell phone plan over to his. When all was said and done he had nearly wiped out his savings account, but as far as he was concerned it was worth it. He scrawled out a note and placed it along with the bills on the table for her to see when she came home.

_**Varania,** _

**_Consider this making up for all the lost years. I won’t stand by and see you struggle as mother did. Not when I can help you. There’s leftover pizza in the fridge._ **

**_Your brother_ **

***

_**Fenris,** _

**_I would try to fight you on this but you are just as stubborn as Dad. Thank you, there are no words to express what this means to me. Fair warning: Letonia is going to ask for pancakes because it’s Saturday morning._ **

**_Your sister_ **

***

He smiled at the comparison to his father. He often wondered if he took after his parents in any way. Did his father enjoy spicy food like he did? Did his mother have a preference for wine? Were any of his pursuits and hobbies in some way shaped by the people who brought him into this world? He sighed, realizing that he may never have those answers, and his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of little feet pattering into the kitchen.

“Good morning, sunshine,” he said brightly. Letonia smiled and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

“Uncle Fen, I want pancakes.”

Fenris laughed at her request and doubled over further at the confused expression on his niece's face. Letonia showed him where to find all the necessary implements for them to have a pancake breakfast, but their enthusiasm was cut short when the pancake mix proved to be almost empty. Letonia's bottom lip began to tremble and Fenris did what any sensible man would do when confronted by a child about to cry...he panicked.

**Fenris __**9:15am

I need the address for a place that serves pancakes ASAP!

**Dorian __**9:20am

How dare you text me before noon on a saturday!

**Fenris __**9:23am

Oh please as if you aren't out to brunch.

**Dorian __**9:25am

That is stereotyping and I will not have it!

**Fenris __**9:27am

Are you out to brunch?

**Dorian __**9:29am

….yes

**Fenris __**9:31am

Do they serve pancakes and can I bring my date?

**Dorian __**9:33am

Yes and yes, I must say I am rather excited to see who you picked up.

***

Fenris had to hold himself back from laughing at the look on Dorian’s face when he walked in with Letonia. Even more so when Xander stared at them open-mouthed.

“Dorian, Xander, this is my niece Letonia,” he said, and smiled proudly when she extended her little hand to be shaken. Xander knelt down and Letonia balked only for a moment due to the sheer size of the man, but Xander’s warm smile proved to charm anyone. His hand enfolded her entire arm and she giggled when he hoisted her up into the booster seat. Once they were sitting down he gave Dorian a look that said “I want one”.

“Now you look what you’ve done, Fenris,” Dorian admonished. “I never thought I’d have to worry about losing him to a girl.”

“I’m sure he will pay attention to you again once we’ve left.”

“True. Are you absolutely sure she is your niece and not your child? I swore that's what you were going to tell us when you walked in.”

Fenris chuckled and shook his head. “Trust me, she is my niece. The last name’s Bellator, not Lannister.”

“My last name’s not Bellator,” Letonia spoke up suddenly. “It’s Puer.”

Fenris froze for a moment and had to talk himself down from a panic attack. Logic and reasoning spoke up and said that it only made sense for Letonia to have a different last name than him. Xander, either aware something was amiss or simply too engrossed in the presence of a child, quickly brought her attention back to him.

Brunch went by smoothly after that. Fenris felt a bit of pride at how well his niece behaved and knew it was all a credit to her mother. Varania had always been the well behaved one-- impeccable manners, excellent table skills. Fenris refused to use a napkin until he was seven and almost never remembered to say please and thank you despite constant reminders from his mother.

When their meal was over, Dorian had to practically drag Xander away, and Letonia seemed just as upset to be parted from her new friend as well. Fenris took a moment standing outside the restaurant to really take in the beauty that was Tevinter weather. He had forgotten how much he missed the steady heat and bright sunshine. Kirkwall summers were warm but never lasted long enough for his liking. Though he enjoyed winter, there was something to be said for warmth all year long.

“How does a walk through Draconis Park sound to you?” he asked her as they walked down the street hand in hand.

“That's the fancy park. They have a zoo and a merry-go-round with horses!”

“That it does, have you been there?”

“No,” she said solemnly shaking her head. “I go to the little park by my house. They have a playground and the merry-go-round there has to be pushed by a grown-up to spin.”

“Well then I think today is the day to go.”

***

**Varania __**12:15pm

How is everything

**Fenris __**12:17pm

*image sent* I’m afraid all she will be asking for every Christmas now is a nug

**Varania __**12:19pm

You’re spoiling my daughter

**Fenris __**12:23pm

I’m over indulging my niece

**Varania __**12:25pm

Thank you

***

As promised, Letonia got to ride on the merry-go-round. Fenris helped her get strapped onto a pink unicorn and pulled out his phone to take more pictures to send to Varania. As he was snapping away he felt something akin to an ice cold drop of water shoot down his back. It was as though he was being watched.

“Well, well, what have we here,” a low voice said next to him. Fenris fought the urge to jump out of his skin; Morrigan had that effect on him. Instead he turned and attempted to smile rather than grimace at her. 

“Ms. Wilds, surprised to see you here,” he said. He was even more surprised to see what she was wearing. She had forgone her usual pantsuit and heels. In their place were jeans, a loose tank top, and sandals.

“And you as well; I didn’t realize you were into photography,” she said with a gesture towards his phone. _Oh wonderful, now she thinks I’m a pervert!_

“Taking pictures of my niece to send to her mother,” he explained quickly. He’d rather Morrigan know the truth than allow her to come up with more reasons to dislike him. She was taken aback by his statement and her gaze fell on Letonia as she passed by.

“I didn't know you had a niece.”

“Neither did I until recently. My sister and I were separated while in foster care. She saw me in the paper and we reconnected.” He had no idea why he was sharing this with her. Morrigan had done enough probing into his life and here he was volunteering the details.

“So I guess it was a good thing I insisted on having you featured as well.”

“You did?” 

“Yes, your research has proved to be quite excellent. Solas will be quite proud of himself for having pushed relentlessly for you to be given the job,” she stated with a tone that gave away her annoyance.

“Ms. Wilds…”

“Morrigan,if you don’t mind,” she said. “At least when we are not at work. I hear enough people calling me that to last a lifetime. Unless of course you would prefer I continue calling you Mr. Bellator.”

“Fenris is fine,” he said with a half grin. “You seem to really dislike Solas. Why are you his agent?”

Morrigan looked at him in shock, as though no one had ever asked her such a question before. “If you must know…”

“Uncle Fen!” Letonia yelled, running towards him with a little boy trailing behind her. “Uncle Fen, I made a friend, he says his mommy is taking him to the playground. Can we go with them please?”

“Mother, I made a friend,” the little boy said walking up to Morrigan. He was as pale as his mother, but his eyes and hair were a soft brown. He spoke with a soft voice and seemed rather shy. “Can she come with us to the playground?”

Both children stared at them with expectant smiles, completely unaware as to how little Morrigan and Fenris wished to remain in each other’s company. Fenris looked to Morrigan and was shocked to see a tender expression on her face. Her son really was the one thing that made her smile.

“Of course,” Morrigan said. “Fenris, this is my son Kieran.”

“Very nice to meet you, sir,” he said extending his hand. Morrigan smiled proudly at the gesture.

“Letonia, this is one of my bosses, Morrigan.”

Not one to be outdone Letonia strode forward and shot her hand up to Morrigan. “Very nice to meet you. Are you a nice boss? My momma has a nice boss, he gives me free french fries when I visit her at work.”

Morrigan shot Fenris a look and he nearly choked on the laughter coming out of him. “Morrigan is a nice boss. She is the one who made sure Uncle Fen was in the paper.”

Letonia shot forward and hugged Morrigan tightly around the middle. “You helped my momma find Uncle Fen!”

Morrigan looked down at Letonia and looked back to Fenris, her lips pressed together in...was that sadness? For the first time in the short period they had known each other a certain understanding passed between Morrigan and Fenris. He knew she would no longer press to learn more about him. And she knew that him having this job had changed his life in more ways than he could ever explain.

***

**Hawke __**2:34pm

So you opened up to me a bit the other day and I thought I should return the favor.

**Hawke __**2:36pm

*image sent*

**Hawke __**2:58pm

It's not lying if you didn't ask. I wanted to tell you all right I was just ashamed that I was responsible for the decay of something you really admired. 

**Hawke __**3:10pm

For the love of god Fenris please answer me!

**Fenris __**3:15pm

Sorry, my phone was on silent. I just got your messages now.

**Hawke __**3:17pm

And?

**Fenris __**3:19pm

So that’s the Amell House? That's your house?

**Hawke __**3:22pm

Yes and i assure you everything has been fixed up. I am never going to let it get the way it used to be. You will never see it looking like the decrepit mess that it was.

**Fenris __**3:25pm

It looks wonderful. I can't wait to see it in person.

***

Kieran and Letonia were having the time of their lives at the playground. Letonia was a natural leader and Kieran was all too willing to do as she bid. Currently they were pirates setting sail across the Waking Sea, when not five minutes earlier they were super heroes saving the city from certain destruction.

“So you asked me a very personal question earlier,” Morrigan remarked as they sat on a bench watching the children. “Do you still wish to have the answer?”

“Is it going to cost me my job to find out?”

Morrigan laughed and shook her head. “You’ve proven your worth far too much for me to fire you for such a trivial matter. I am aware that I have been a bit hard on Solas. After all, the tour is still running smoothly and your extended stay at Skyhold did provide him with the needed texts.”

“But you still see fit to punish him for his dalliance with Professor Lavellan.”

Morrigan was quiet for a moment, her lips set in a fine line as she sighed. “Dara was a very good friend of mine for many years. I was interning in Orlais, preparing to be hired by my mother once she got her publishing company off the ground. Dara was a member of the Inquisition at the time.”

“The Inquisition?”

“Charity group. They provide assistance to those who wish to pursue higher education. Dara was one of the founding members. We met at a mixer and hit it off. She was still an undergrad at the time.”

“And Solas was her professor.”

“Indeed,” she said gravely. “Solas was the first to sign with my mother's company and his book was going to be what set us up for success. So when the relationship ended and he cancelled the tour without warning, it put us in a bit of a bind. Not only that, but he ruined our chances to publish what might very well become the next bestselling fantasy series.”

“How so?”

“Because Dara burned the entire manuscript and destroyed the files.”

Fenris gasped in shock, “Why?”

“Because it was the only thing that tied her to Solas anymore and I suppose she wanted to be rid of it. Fenris, I do not jest when I say it was the work of a master storyteller. She had built an entire world, with its own religions and races of different beings,” she said with reverence. “The Dread Wolf Chronicles.”

“She had a wolf jaw pendant,” Fenris mused.

“He gave that to her as a graduation gift. It’s what gave the hero of her series his name. I have watched them hurt each other over and over for years. I lost a good friend, my mother lost an opportunity, and so, yes, I continue to punish him for it when I can.”

They said nothing further about Solas or Dara. Instead they talked about the children. Kieran was Morrigan’s pride and joy, that much was obvious. Fenris wished he had more to share about Letonia, but the week he had known her did not give him many stories to share. As they were leaving, Morrigan handed him a business card.

**Dumat Optometry**

“I noticed you’ve been squinting a lot when you read. Kieran was having similar troubles. I made you an appointment for Monday at noon. Don't worry about the bill, it’s been taken care of.”

“Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and the plot continues to grow...


	22. Chapter 22

“So where did we leave off?”

“The prince was turned into a wolf and he forgot who he was.”

_The prince, now a wolf, wandered the worlds for many years. He never stayed in one place for too long, for many people feared him. They did not know he was a gentle creature, for the sorcerer's spell could not destroy the kindness that his family had instilled within his heart. It was a lonely life and there were times he would have dreams of the prince and his memories. He would wake up confused and scared, not being able to understand he wasn't dreaming...he was remembering._

_One day he found an enchanted forest…_

“Did he find the forest where the little bird was his friend?”

“I don’t know. Do you think it’s the same forest?”

“It might be. Keep telling the story, I want to see if I am right.”

_The wolf was scared to enter the woods, afraid of being turned away, but he mustered up his courage, closed his eyes, and passed through the barrier. When he opened his eyes, he found that instead of a forest he was in a large city. “Welcome to Kirk”, a happy voice said to him. Standing in front of the wolf was a dwarf, with a smile on his face and a book in his hand._

_“Kirk?” the wolf asked, surprised to find that he could speak. It had been so many years since he had heard his own voice. “I can speak…”_

_“Yes, the city of Kirk. Only those who have been cursed by magic can find it. Have you come here seeking a cure?”_

_“I am not cursed,” the wolf insisted. “I have been wandering for many years just trying to find a home.”_

_“Then you have been cursed, my friend. Perhaps you just do not remember it then. In any case, consider Kirk your home for as long as you want it.”_

_The wolf wandered the city for many days, surprised that so many people were kind to him. His belly was full and he could always find a bed to sleep in at night. It was during his wandering that he met Siren. She was a pirate queen who had been lost at sea. When she awoke she had washed up on the shores of Kirk. She decided to stay there and share her magic with the people of the city._

“What kind of magic did she have?”

“A special bottle that was never empty. Whatever anyone needed to drink she could provide it for them. But the one thing the people of Kirk liked to drink the most was coffee.”

“Coffee?”

“Yes, coffee is magic. Didn’t you know that?”

_The city of Kirk loved to throw parties and Halloween was their favorite holiday to celebrate. The wolf didn’t want to go to the party. He was always afraid that someone would send him away. But Siren told him there would never be a person in all of Kirk who would hurt him. So she dressed him up in feathers and brought him to the Hanged Man’s Tree. The whole city was there, everyone dressed up and having a wonderful time. The wolf was still scared though and he tried to run away. But when he did, he bumped into a woman and they both fell down to the ground._

_The wolf was really scared then. He had hurt a human and surely they would send him away. But instead the woman laughed and petted him on the head. She was the Lady Hawke, the kindest and most gentle person in all of Kirk. The wolf liked her immediately and they became friends. The Lady Hawke had other friends and they soon became friends with the wolf as well. There was an elf named Daisy, who could talk to the trees and made flowers grow wherever she walked. Her other friend, Ser Pounce, was a wizard cat, who had a magic cauldron that made whatever food anyone wanted. The last friend he made was the very same dwarf who had met him the day he found the city. He was known only as the storyteller, because the book he carried had every story ever written. The wolf and his friends would sit around the fire every night, Daisy would make flower crowns for everyone to wear, Siren gave them all coffee, Ser Pounce fed them, and the storyteller would share the newest tale that appeared in his book._

“What was the Lady Hawke’s magic?”

“She could make anyone smile no matter how sad they were.”

“That’s a really good magic.”

“Yes it is.”

_The wolf lived in the city with his friends for many months, but something had changed for him. He realized that he had fallen in love with the Lady Hawke. It had started out as something small, just a tiny twinge in his tummy whenever he saw her. But over time it began to grow until he knew for sure it was love. But he was scared to tell her because he was a wolf and she was a lady, so there was no way she could love him back. He told Ser Pounce and Ser Pounce understood, because Ser Pounce loved Siren, but would never tell her. And so the wolf spent many more months pining away for the Lady Hawke. What he didn’t know was that she loved him too, but she was scared to say it as well. She told Daisy, who understood, because Daisy had loved someone before she was cursed and fled to Kirk._

_One fateful night Daisy convinced the wolf and the Lady Hawke to meet each other at the Hanged Man's Tree. She cast a magic spell that wouldn't let them escape until they told each other how they felt. The wolf finally told the Lady Hawke that she loved him and the Lady Hawke smiled and kneeled down to kiss him._

“The Lady Hawke broke the spell!”

“Very good.”

_There was a flash of bright light and the wolf was gone and standing in his place was the prince. The Lady Hawke’s kiss had only broken half of the spell though. The prince still did not have his memories and being a wolf for so long had changed how he looked forever. His hair was snowy white and his skin was painted with the marks of the fairy people who had once saved him._

“Uncle Fen, the Lady Hawke,” Letonia interrupted poking him in the arm. “She’s the little bird.”

“Why do you say that?”

“The little bird loved the prince and she gave him the reed so he could call her. I think when the sorcerer burned the reed and cast the spell it cursed the bird and she turned into the Lady Hawke.”

“So if the little bird is the Lady Hawke, what's going to happen when the prince remembers who he is?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well it’s time for bed anyways, so we will have to continue it another day.”

“I like tonight's ending better than last night’s.”

“Me too.”

***

Hawke stood in the wine aisle and blinked several times to make sure she wasn't imagining things. Sure enough, an entire shelf of Agreggio was staring back at her. She grabbed her phone and snapped a picture before grabbing two of them and heading for the check out.

**Hawke __**5:38pm

Look what i found!

**Fenris __**5:42pm

In Kirkwall?

**Hawke __**5:45pm

No I sprouted wings and flew to Tevinter, I’m circling overhead as we speak. Am I clear for landing, ground control?

**Fenris __**5:47pm

I’m afraid we don't have landing clearance for a bird your size, gonna have to circle back and find a new spot. Might I recommend the top of the Embassy Suites.

**Hawke __**5:49pm

Hahaha, it's Wednesday.

**Fenris __**5:51pm

Yes it is, skype?

**Hawke __**5:55pm

8pm, you better have a bottle too

**Fenris __**5:56pm

I bought two cases the day I landed.

***

Fenris tried reading to distract him from staring at the computer screen. There were so many things he wanted to tell her about--Varania, Letonia, and how he had come to terms with so many things that had happened to him. But it didn't seem right in the end to share these things with her through such impersonal channels. He had nearly called her so many times, desperate to tell her all of these things. Yet every time he had stopped. 

Telling her about his sister would mean telling her everything; that was how it had to be. She deserved to know the whole story, and she deserved to hear it in person, not over the phone. He had considered several times just leaving for Kirkwall for the weekend, as he had done when the house burned down. But between assisting his sister, the extra work Solas had piled on him, and the imminent departure from Tevinter, he had no extra funds or time to plan such a trip. His musings were interrupted by the sound of a video call coming through.

“Hey there,” he said with a smile that faltered seeing the confused look on her face. “What’s wrong?”

“You look different,” she remarked and he remembered the glasses he was wearing. 

“Oh right, yeah, these are a thing now,” he said, gesturing to the black framed glasses on his face. He lifted them up to perch on top of his head. “I really only need them for reading now; I was looking over something when your call came through.”

“They look good on you, makes you look intelligent and distinguished.”

“I thought I always looked intelligent.”

“You did,” she remarked. “Now even more so. Do you have your bottle?”

He smiled and lifted one up to show her. She made a show of screwing in the corkscrew and pretended to fall backwards off her chair when the cork popped out. He approached the opening of his bottle in a more dignified manner. They held their bottles up and toasted the camera. 

“Here’s to many lost Wine Wednesdays my friend,” she said after taking a swig. “May we have many more in the future.”

“I think I’d like that.”

“Fenris?”

“Yeah?”

“Truth or dare?”

***

“You cannot be serious!” she said incredulously. “You’re wasting a perfectly good dare by asking that.”

“How so?”

“Because I don't need to be dared to do it, I would do it happily,” she dismissed with a wave of her hand.

“Then why haven't you?” he insisted.

“Time and energy Fenris, I lack both on a regular basis.”

“Fine; I will make you a deal. You promise to do it by the time your birthday rolls around and I promise to be there for your birthday.”

She paused for a moment before a bright smile overtook her face. “You mean it?”

“I wouldn't say it if I didn’t, but I want picture proof.”

“You’d still come even if I didn’t do it.”

“True, but I’d tease you mercilessly for backing out of a dare and if I remember correctly, you Hawkes take your commitments very seriously.”

“Fine, I promise to go to the salon before my birthday. You still want me to go with blue? Don’t want to think up some other crazy color instead?”

“Blue or red, those would be the only two I would consider. Plus the blue really brings out your eyes, you know that.”

“You have a deal, Mr. Bellator. Truth or dare?” she said before chugging the last vestiges of her wine. 

“Truth,” he said while also finishing off the last of his bottle.

She gave him a sad look and thought long and hard about the question she was about to ask. Mostly because there was a part of her that was afraid of what he might say. “Are you really not coming back to Kirkwall?”

Fenris sighed and shook his head. “Anders really needs to learn to keep his mouth shut.”

“Is it true though? Are you really considering not coming back?” she pressed, hoping against hope he would assuage her fears.

“I haven't decided yet. There are a lot of things to consider,” he offered, though his demeanor gave away his obvious hesitance to tell her something. “I was offered a job here by one of the professors. I’d be able to get my graduate here and become a college professor.” 

“But you didn't want that, last I checked. You said you wanted to teach high school--to be what someone else was for you.”

“I know. Trust me, I haven’t made the full decision yet, but when I do I promise you will be the first to know.”

“Is it because of me?” she asked, knowing full well if he said yes it might break her.

“What? No, no it’s not you I swear. You’re one of the reasons I want to come back. You’re still my best friend, Hawke, nothing's changed.”

“We’re both kidding ourselves to say that nothing's changed, Fenris,” she said flatly, feeling a touch of remorse at expression on Fenris’s face. “I’m sorry, this is not how I wanted tonight to go.”

“Did I tell you about the guy who teaches theology here?” he said, breaking the silence and the tension that had permeated the conversation.

“No.”

“His name is Dorian and he’s dating a man who’s taller than Carver.”

“Bullshit.”

“On my honor, Hawke, I think he could bench press your brother.”

***

**Fenris __**3:34am

I know you meant well, but you shouldn’t have told her.

**Anders __**3:36am

Told who what? I need context here.

**Fenris __**3:39am

You know exactly who I am talking about and what I did not want you to tell them.

**Anders __**3:41am

I guess you’re just gonna have to come here yourself and punish me

**Fenris __**3:43am

I’ll be there for Hawke’s birthday don’t tempt me…

**Anders __**3:45am

Is there any particular reason you have decided to yell at me after 3 in the morning??

**Anders __**3:46am

Omg you’ve been talking to her all night?? That's awesome!!

**Fenris __**3:49am

Yes and it went about as well as you could expect it to when she’s asking me if I’m not coming back because of her

**Anders __**3:41am

Someone had to put some fear in her. She’s too stubborn to admit she still loves you and wants to be with you. So I gave her nudge to say that she might want to reconsider her stance.

**Fenris __**3:43am

I appreciate the sentiment Anders I really do. But don’t do it again. If its meant to be we will find our way back to each other.

**Anders __**3:45am

Yeah ok, and how long did it take for you two to kiss?

**Fenris __**3:49am

Good night

**Anders __**3:51am

I rest my case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry for the late posting. I had to work 6 day shifts at work 2 weeks in a row and honestly I ended up being drained completely.
> 
> I've been in a little bit of a writing funk and my back log has dwindled so much I really can't do twice weekly postings anymore. I'd much rather give everyone a once weekly chapter then have a long stint of no postings at all.
> 
> Thanks as always for reading and commenting.


	23. Chapter 23

“Letonia, finish getting ready, sweetheart; we’re leaving for dinner in ten minutes!” Varania called down the hall. When there was no answer she shrugged her shoulders and went to rejoin Fenris at the kitchen table. 

“I swear she was so excited this afternoon when I told her you were taking us out for your last day here.”

“It's all right, we still have a little time. Besides, I wanted to talk you about something.”

“Oh?” she said, her hand pausing as it lifted a cup of tea.

“Dorian, the professor at the university. He’s offered me a job over the summer if I want it.”

“Doing what?”

“Mostly clerical work for the university, nothing I don’t already have some experience in. The point is if I take this I will end up attending Minrathous for my masters once the fall semester begins. I’d be moving back here.”

“Back to Tevinter? Is that what you really want?” 

“I don’t know, but it means I would be able to help you more. I could find an apartment for all three of us. You wouldn't have to keep struggling.”

“Fenris, you need to stop making decisions for your own life based on how it will affect me or anyone else around you. You have to make choices for yourself.”

“I did that for years, Varania, and honestly I don’t think I made very good ones. Look at me. Do you think I got myself covered in this with the best intentions in mind?” he said, gesturing to the ink that covered his body. “Do you think I was in any place to be making good decisions when I said “Oh yes, cover me in the symbols some crazy hippy painted all over me, I need to repent for abandoning her and everyone else who took me in.”

“Is that what they are?” Varania asked with a laugh. Fenris glared at her before brushing a stray hair from his eyes. “I just thought you did it to be edgy.”

“I did it for atonement. When I was in Seheron, before I found you I was taken in by these people, the Fog Warriors. They’re a Green Movement group. They helped me escape from Dan. They’re the ones who named me Fenris.”

“What happened to them?”

“Dan figured out where I was, called the police and there was a raid on the house we were living in. As soon as I realized what was happening I grabbed everything I could get my hands on and I took off into the woods.”

“And you feel this was something you needed to atone for?”

“Wasn't it? They took me in, gave me shelter, helped me, and when push came to shove I ran away like a fucking coward,” he said shoving away from the table and pacing about the kitchen. 

“I should have stood with them, I should been arrested with them. Dan would have found some way to get the charges dropped. It's what he would have offered me to get me to come back with him.”

“Are you really so sure he would have done that?”

Fenris paused a moment and looked at his sister, his shoulders slumped. He sighed heavily. “I’m making assumptions about what could have been.”

“You’re letting yourself feel guilty for the choices you made to save yourself.”

“It's hard not to.”

“Fenris, I forbid you to accept this job until you can assure me that you’re accepting because you want it, not because you think coming back here is going to help me.”

“I’m ready!” Letonia said, striding into the kitchen. Varania gasped in shock and Fenris started laughing so hard he collapsed on the kitchen floor. Letonia, in an effort to look even more like her uncle, had drawn swirling lines and dots all over her arms and legs. 

“Letonia, you’re a mess!” Varania chastised, running over to inspect her daughter. “Why, why did you do this?”

“I wanted to be like Uncle Fen,” the child declared. Varania ushered her off to the bathroom despite Letonia’s protests. He could hear the water running and Varania demanding to know if Letonia used washable or permanent markers to accomplish her art. The phone in the kitchen started ringing and Varania asked him to answer it.

“Hello.”

“Who the fuck is this?” an angry voice said. “Where’s Varania?”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me, put Varania on the phone. I don’t care who the fuck you are put her on the phone.” The man was obviously trying to be intimidating, yet all he succeeded in doing was angering him. 

“You have the wrong number, there’s no one here by that name,” he seethed, resisting the urge to curse whoever it was out.

“Bullshit, she’d never change her number. I know she’s there. You think just cause you’re fucking her you can keep her away from me. Tell her I’m out and I wanna see my fucking kid!”

The line cut out before Fenris could respond. He hung the phone back on the cradle and turned to see Varania standing in the doorway. The look on her face told him all he needed to know.

“Erimond’s out, isn't he?”

“Letonia’s father?”

Varania nodded and her gaze turned down the hall towards her daughter's room. “I knew I should have changed phone numbers when we moved.”

“So he doesn't know where you live then?”

“No.”

“We’re changing your number tomorrow before I leave.”

***

Fenris boarded the plane the next day feeling as though it was the last thing he should be doing. Varania had finally told him the entire story about Letonia’s father the night before. 

She had met Erimond shortly after the incident which drove her and Fenris apart for good. He was a regular at the bar she worked at. He tipped well and was always asking her out for coffee when her shift was over. She resisted for quite some time, something about him seemed off. But eventually she gave in and they started seeing one another. It wasn't until he got her pregnant that she realized why she had resisted him for so long.

The money Erimond made was earned through theft and drug dealing. Varania got used to seeing boxes upon boxes of merchandise in their apartment, phone calls at all hours of the night, even the random people who stopped by looking for their fix. So long as Erimond kept her housed, clothed, and fed, she could learn to ignore all of it.

He wasn’t there the day Letonia was born. He’d been caught dealing by an undercover cop and was serving jail time. He got out two days after her first birthday. He promised to live an honest life from then on. Take care of them through legal means. But within six months he was back to trafficking in stolen goods and after a year was dealing again. Varania turned a blind eye for the sake of her child; they were being taken care of, after all. But then the stress of the job got to Erimond and he started using the products he was selling. He got hooked hard on red lyrium and soon was using more than he was selling. 

Varania had enough the day his dealer showed up and trashed the house looking for the money Erimond owed him. She packed up herself and Letonia and never looked back. Erimond got locked up less than a week later.

She didn't think he’d try to find her again…

***

**Fenris __**12:34pm

*image sent*

As promised the Culinary Institute of Antiva

**Hawke __**12:36pm

What does it smell like? Does it smell like heaven?

**Fenris __**12:39pm

It smells like the rest of Antiva…

**Hawke __**12:42pm

It is the single greatest culinary school in all of Thedas! It has to have something special about it. Go inside and take pictures for me!

**Fenris __**12:45pm

You want me to walk around the school and take pictures? What am i going to take pictures of?

**Hawke __**12:47pm

Anything and everything, come on do it for me

**Fenris __**12:49pm

Apparently they have a cafe staffed entirely by students, I’ll go in and have lunch and take pictures of my food

**Hawke __**12:51pm

I can live with that

***

Fenris had noticed that he saw less and less of Solas while they were in Tevinter, so it was surprising when he was asked to join him and Morrigan for breakfast after they arrived in Antiva. They talked about the success of the tour so far, scheduled books signings, and much to Fenris’ dismay--his requests for time off.

“I’m sorry, but I cannot approve your request for the three days in March. We’ll be leaving for Rivain the day after your return and I cannot permit you to be gone so shortly before hand,” Solas remarked. 

“I would only be missing one day of work, sir. I can get an evening flight that Friday if anything. But if I fly out Saturday only to return on Sunday the ticket price would skyrocket,” Fenris protested weakly. 

“Why this need to go back to Kirkwall so suddenly?”

“It's my best friend’s birthday, sir; I don’t want to miss it,” he admitted, hoping maybe to spark some sympathy from Morrigan on his behalf. She seemed to be only paying half attention to the conversation.

“There will be other birthdays, yes?” Solas remarked coolly. “Besides, you already left for a weekend without notice back in January.”

“There had been an emergency, sir, there was a fire…”

“Yes, and I did not punish you for leaving without notice then because it had been an emergency.”

“With all due respect, sir, you did not even ask me about it. I had no idea if you even knew I had left. Iris messaged Dara and…” he shut his mouth quickly at the mention of her name. Solas regarded him with narrowed eyes and he knew he had spoken out of turn.

“I have been very lenient with you, Fenris. I give you the weekends to do with as you like. I overlooked your lack of focus at the start of the tour. Not to mention your work faltered during your last week while in Skyhold, I daresay due to the influence of Miss Trevelyan.”

Fenris was stunned into silence. If anything he had been even more diligent towards the end, if only to give himself a little more time to spend with Iris and her cousins. Had he sped through? Had he overlooked something in an effort to do more work than needed? No, no, he had read everything over twice, had even gone so far as to type up a reference sheet to correspond to what he had already catalogued....

He was being punished for something, and he had several thoughts as to what it might be.

His mind played over every instance that might have earned him the professor’s ire. He had walked in on him and Dara mid-coitus. He had been present when Morrigan had declared herself the new manager of the tour. He had been the one to give Solas the box of mementos from Dara; the cold stare he received that day still gave him chills. He soon realized it was none of those things. Solas had learned of Dorian’s job offer, somehow he knew of it, and Fenris had neglected to tell him. 

He looked to Morrigan one last time, hoping maybe he could glean some sympathy from her. Her eyes were downcast at her plate and she seemed entirely too interested in her toast. 

“I understand, sir,” he said dejectedly. 

“Wonderful, I’m glad we’ve gotten that over with. Now on to much happier discussions. The library here in Antiva has the most complete collection of works from before the Divine Age.”

***

**Hawke __**4:45pm

*image sent*

As promised :)

**Fenris __**5:03pm

You look lovely

**Hawke __**5:06pm

You’re not coming are you?

**Fenris __**5:07pm

I want to, believe me I want to.

**Hawke __**5:09pm

What happened?

***

“So he’s punishing me in a way for A, having discussed his past relationship with professor Lavellan, B, not telling him I was offered a job by someone who loathes him, and C, I guess not meeting the standards he has for me,” he lamented over the phone after he was done explaining everything. He reluctantly omitted Iris and the Trevelyans. He did not wish to complicate the story further by bringing them into it. He also still held his tongue in regards to Varania. He had hoped to have the chance to tell her about that when he visited for her birthday. But now it seemed even that opportunity was lost.

“From what you told me, his standards are pretty fucking high,” Hawke’s voice was soft and reassuring, he felt almost warm just hearing it.

“You know I thought I was meeting them. Morrigan was even impressed.”

“Can you talk to her? Isn't she in charge now?” she suggested.

“Something changed, Hawke, sometime between us leaving Tevinter and arriving in Antiva something changed,” he explained. Morrigan's demeanor was one of someone who had grown dejected and jaded.

“Oh Fenris, I’d hug you if you were here you know that right?”

“I do. Thank you for understanding, Hawke. I feel like such an ass right now.”

“Hey, it's not like you did this on purpose. Besides, in a way Solas is right, there will be other birthdays. My graduation, however, that you better damn well be here for.”

“Trust me, I will be there. I’ll be the one cheering your name the loudest.”

“That's only if Isabela doesn't bring the air horn again.”

“True. Listen, I’ve had a long day and as much as I do enjoy talking to you,” he said biting back a yawn.

“You’re exhausted; I can hear it in your voice. Get some sleep. Text me, all right, about anything.”

“I will. Good night, Hawke, I lo—,” he caught himself and heard a slight intake of breath on her end.

“Me too,” she said and he breathed a sigh of relief. “Good night, Fenris.”

***

**Leandra __**9:04am

Whats this i hear about you not coming for Marian’s birthday?

**Fenris __**9:06am

I’m sorry, I can’t afford the price of the ticket to only fly in for two days

**Leandra __**9:08am

Well this simply isn't acceptable. Do you have a minute to chat?

**Fenris __**9:10am

Yeah

*incoming call* _**Leandra Hawke**_

“Hello.”

“Now, how much is this ticket and do you want me to book it or just give you my credit card information?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement last week. Its really nice to know you'll be sticking around even with the slower posting schedule. 
> 
> Everything has pretty much been planned out, just a matter of getting the words out on paper.
> 
> As always thanks for reading.


	24. Chapter 24

**Fenris __**12:000am

Happy Birthday, sorry I’ll be missing it

**Hawke __**12:02am

That's all right, I didn’t even message you on yours. Have I apologized for that yet?

**Fenris __**12:03am

You made up for it, so no apology needed. Plus we weren’t in the best place.

**Hawke __**12:05am

This is true, I still feel bad and accept that my punishment will be celebrating my birthday without you. 

**Fenris __**12:07am

Save me a dance? 

**Hawke __**12:10am

You got it :) 

***

Merrill, Bethany and Isabela dragged her out of the house that morning, despite any and all protests. Their excuse was that her mother demanded she not be allowed to return until the late afternoon.

“I won't have you popping into the kitchen trying to help cook on your birthday,” her mother insisted as her friends pushed her out the door with a travel mug of fresh coffee. Hawke tried to argue that she could easily stay out of the kitchen by sleeping in, but once again she was ignored. 

They shoved her in the backseat of her own car and Isabela took the wheel.

“Where are we going?” Hawke asked once she had wiped most of the sleep from her eyes. Merrill had thrown a pair of jeans and a t-shirt at her; she wasn’t even sure her socks matched at that point. “This whole ‘dragging me out of my own house and secrecy’ bit is a bit unsettling.”

“Says the person who blindfolded me two weeks ago to drag me to a surprise party at Varric’s house,” Merrill piped up from the front seat.

“How else was I supposed to get you there?”

“‘Hey Merrill, Varric is having a get together at his place; we should go,’” she replied sarcastically.

“Not as fun,” Hawke retorted.

“She gets it from our mom,” Bethany informed them. “Mom always had a penchant for going overboard when it came to surprises. You should have seen the party she threw for our dad’s thirtieth.”

Hawke smiled, remembering the look on her dad’s face when he walked in the door. Leandra had instigated a fake argument with him that morning just to get him to go fishing for the day. He walked in with muddy boots and dropped his bait box when everyone jumped out to yell surprise.

They drove for an hour or so; Isabela consented to allowing Hawke to pick the music if only to keep her from asking too many questions. “You do realize we’re going to be hearing this shit all night at the club, right?”

“It's my birthday, damn it!”

“Ugh, fine!”

They drove down a wooded roadway and Hawke began to feel a bit uneasy, until the trees parted and she saw a sign that said _Plana-Serenity 1 mile._ “Oh my god, are we going to a spa? Tell me we are going to a spa!” Isabela and Merrill looked at each other and grinned, eliciting a squeal from the back seat. “I fucking love you guys!”

“Just don't rub it in Anders’ face too much, he’s jealous he didn't get to come. Said he should be included even if it’s a girls’ thing,” Isabela mentioned, and Merrill giggled. “He’s off somewhere with Sebastian today, didn't tell me what they were up to.”

“Sebastian wouldn't tell me either,” Bethany added. “Did Carver say anything to you, Merrill?”

“Why would Carver mention anything to me?” Merrill said too quickly. “Why is everyone looking at me like that?”

“Oh please kitten, you two have been making eyes at each other for weeks. Time to step up to the plate and take a swing.”

“I already kissed him once...oh!” Merrill’s hand shot up to her mouth and she blushed heavily. “Oh, Hawke, I am so sorry.”

“Merrill, I distinctly remember a conversation we had a few months ago where I said if the opportunity arose and you were still interested in my brother that you should take it,” Hawke said, leaning forward to throw an arm across Merrill. “Don’t hold back on my account. You two would make an adorable couple. I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

“Seconded,” Bethany said happily. “Besides, who better to date our brother than our own friend?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” they said in unison.

***

They left the spa feeling refreshed, relaxed, and incredibly pampered. Isabela insisted she might need to make a standing appointment for every Sunday, if only for the massages. Which in turn caused Hawke to make a joke that Anders’ “magic fingers” weren’t quite as magic as he claimed. 

“Shall I regale you with tales of what those fingers did last night?” she asked with a sultry purr.

“Please, no, I haven’t even seen a naked man in nearly a year,” Merrill piped up. 

“I’d make a joke right now, but my brother is the one you’re interested in and having seen his ass once was enough to scar me for life,” Hawke griped.

“Oh I don't know, I’m sure it's a very adorable bottom when you’re not related to him.”

“La, la, la, this conversation is not happening!” Hawke said, putting her fingers in her ears.

“And she wonders why I hesitate to date him,” Merrill lamented. 

“Just don't talk about his bottom and everything will be fine.”

“Speaking of bottoms,” Isabela said.

“Do we have to?” Hawke muttered.

“Seeing as you are on speaking terms with Fenris and I don’t feel as though your relationship is the ‘thing which shall not be mentioned ever again’. Spill it, do the tattoos go all the way?”

“Oh my god, Isabela!”

“So that’s a no then.”

“His bottom and...other parts are untouched,” Hawke said with a blush.

“Other parts? Which parts?” Bethany teased.

“Let me out of the car. I’m walking back to Kirkwall.”

***

Hawke paused while getting dressed for the evening and gave her a reflection in the mirror a smile and thumbs up. The blue streaks brought a smile to her face. The stylist insisted on leaving the length of her hair intact this time. Stating that whomever had shorn off all her lovely locks before should be flogged. Hawke’s black hair had grown to her shoulders and despite the annoyance at tucking it up under a chef hat, she was beginning to love seeing it that long again.

“Marian!” Leandra called up from downstairs. “There’s someone at the door!”

“Can’t someone else get it?” she called back as she pulled on a pair of socks. “I haven’t gotten my fishnets on yet!”

“It's a last minute birthday gift!”

Hawke barreled out of her room at breakneck speed and skipped every other step running down. She knew it was childish, but the allure of a surprise gift, especially one her mother ordered for her, was enough to make her feel like a kid again. Albeit a kid dressed for a night of clubbing; the pleather skirt she wore made swishing noises with every step and she giggled at the sound. She slid across the hardwood floor, ignoring her mother's claims she was going to break her neck.

“You said presents and you expect me to not come running?” she said as she sped past her. Hawke threw open the door, ready to snag whatever box the delivery person was holding, but seeing what awaited her there, she froze in place.

“Happy Birthday, Hawke,” Fenris said with a smile.

She was positive the squeal she let out could be heard for miles around as she threw herself at him. He grunted in surprise and dropped his bag, catching her as she latched onto him. Her legs hooked around his waist and she babbled incoherently.

“You’re here! Oh my god you’re here!”

“Surprise,” he said with a laugh before setting her down and pulling her in for a hug. 

“I thought you couldn't pay for a ticket.”

“Your mother didn’t think it would be right for me to not be here,” he replied, and Hawke turned to see her mother standing in the hallway. She ran to her and wrapped her arms around her so tight her mother actually couldn't breathe for a moment.

“You’re the best mom. You know that, right?”

“I try.”

***

Conversation flowed around the dining room table, and for the first time in months, Fenris truly felt like he was home. He kept catching Hawke smiling at him from across the table and he knew he was smiling back. Maybe things could be as they once were before. _If he could learn to only see her as a friend again..._

“This steak is fucking perfection, Mom,” Hawke said after savoring several bites.

“Language, Marian; and don’t compliment me, your brother did all the work.”

Carver blushed and tried to change the subject, but Hawke wasn’t having any of it.

“Seriously, this was you? Carver, this is amazing. There's something in the marinade I can’t quite guess,” she pressed.

“Rice wine vinegar,” he said with a smile. “I ran out of books to read so I was looking at your old textbooks and...well I thought I’d try my hand at it.”

“Seriously, start writing these things down. You really should develop your own recipes,” Anders added. “You came up with this just from a book?”

“Well, I’ve been trying other marinades. The barbecue chicken last week was something I came up with on my own.”

“Carver, that chicken was to die for,” Hawke exclaimed excitedly. “Have you thought about joining me in the culinary world? I think you have a knack for it.”

“Oh no, Marian, this is me just playing around. I’m not chef material.’’

“You are Malcolm Hawke’s son. I daresay that counts for something,” Leandra stated with pride.

“There’s an opening in the kitchen at Gallows.”

“But you've been waiting for that position.”

“I’ve got way too much on my plate to consider accepting it. At least come in and get an interview. Sol would see you on my word alone.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I’m not just sure. I am fucking positive.”

“Marian, language!”

***

Fenris barely left Hawke’s side all night, not wanting to be apart from her if he could help it. How had he stayed away for so long? How had he allowed himself to leave without saying goodbye that day? What could he possibly do to show her that he would give anything to stay? He was a fool to think he could ever look at her again and see her as only a friend.

The music slowed and he stepped onto the floor and took her hand. She smiled brightly and let him lead. He wouldn't admit it to anyone on pain of death but he had been practicing. He knew how much she loved to dance, and she often lamented being alone on the floor. His feet matched the beats and he spun her with the crescendos, feeling his chest tighten when she laughed. He didn’t care how much his feet hurt, how much his lungs burned, or how drunk he was--he wasn't going to let go so long as she let him hold on.

As the hours wore on, many of their companions eventually called it a night. Even Isabela seemed to be too tired to continue on. Hawke, however, whether through adrenaline or the sheer power of all the shots she took, was ready to take on the world.

“Fenris! You’ll come with me to get horribly fried food, right? I need something deep fried and bad for me to absorb all the tequila,” she insisted as he tried to follow her down the street.

“You’re drunk,” he said with a laugh, finally catching her hand.

“I am, and so are you, mister sway, or am I swaying?”

“I think it's both of us,” he said, steadying them. “How about we take a cab and lessen our chances for being charged with public intoxication?”

“How are you still able to be so eloquent even when you’re drunk?” she said, standing incredibly close, her fingers playing over the buttons of his shirt.

“Practice.”

***

“Mozzarella sticks are by far the greatest drunk food ever,” she said as she pulled the melted cheese as far as she could and made a show of chomping away at it, laughing when he mimicked the Pac-Man sound.

“I still say fries are the way to go,” he replied, shoving a few in his mouth. Hawke had dragged him to a twenty-four-hour eatery she had discovered in Hightown. The Bone Pit’s premise seemed to be that if they could fry it, they would serve it. After sharing fries, mozzarella sticks, chicken tenders, and corn dogs, she finally declared herself full before he had to try and talk her out of ordering fried ice cream.

“Should we call another cab?” he asked as they stepped out into the chilly air.

“The house isn't too far. Besides, if I remember correctly, you enjoy a nice walk.”

“I do,” he smiled and took her arm. He felt drunk and it was exhilarating. There was nothing to worry about, she was there, he was with her...wasn't there something he was supposed to do? 

_Nope, just be with her, that's all that matters. I have Hawke, I don’t need anything else._

They giggled as they climbed the stairs slowly trying not to wake everyone else up. She showed him to his room for the night and he insisted on walking her the eight feet back to her room.

“A gentleman must always escort the lady home,” he slurred.

“I am far from a lady; after all, I did allow Isabela to bend me over the bar and give me birthday spankings,” she giggled, leaning back against her door.

“That was quite the sight to see. Funny how she said everyone would get a chance and yet she just kept going,” he said, trailing a finger down her arm.

“Did you want to give me birthday spankings, Fenris?”

“I’d prefer to give you a birthday kiss.”

He could hear her breath catch as he leaned in. He hesitated for a moment before she closed the short distance between them, her lips meeting his softly. His hands rested on her hips and tightened, pulling her in closer as she gripped the front of his shirt. 

_Please let the world stop…_

They parted and he was drawn into the deep pools of her eyes, glistening in the low light of the hallway. His voice caught in his throat. What could he possibly say to her? All he knew was that he would give anything for that moment to last until the end of time, as she stared back at him with wonder and love in her eyes.

She bit her lip and he stroked her cheek lovingly. “Happy Birthday, Hawke.”

***

_She dreamt that he kissed her, over and over again…_

When Hawke awoke the next morning, she had a moment's panic when she realized she had no idea how she had gotten home. Her last clear memory had been leaving The Bone Pit. She bolted out of room and dashed down the hallway.

“Fenris?” she called, knocking on his door rapidly. She breathed a sigh of relief when he answered the door looking just as rumpled as her. His hair stuck out at all angles and his ponytail had come half undone in the night. “Oh thank god, how did we get home last night?”

He looked at her puzzled for a moment and seemed to be looking at his surroundings as though he had never seen them before. “I...I have no idea.”

Hawke leaned against the door frame and sighed. “All right, so tequila is something we should probably avoid in the future, huh?”

“I’ll add it after whiskey on the list of abominations,” he said, rubbing his eyes. “Did you at least have a good time?”

“Definitely,” she said with a grin and a light punch to his arm. “I should probably get dressed and shower off the grease that is still on my hands. Maybe not quite in that order.”

“Good idea,” he replied with a chuckle.

She walked down the hall but turned back to see him still staring at her. “Are you sure you don’t remember coming back here last night?”

He looked at her sadly and shook his head. “No...I don’t.”

***

**Anders __**1:09pm

So, anything interesting happen while you two were alone???

**Fenris __**1:12pm

I’m not trusting you with anymore information, you’re a meddler

**Anders __**1:15pm

I resent that accusation!

**Fenris __**1:17pm

Of course you do

**Anders __**1:19pm

*image sent*

I swear on the roly poly belly of my first born son I will keep my mouth shut

**Fenris __**1:21pm

You do realize that if you say a single word anything bad that ever happens to Ser Pounce will be on your head?

**Anders __**1:24pm

*image sent*

My first born daughter as well

**Fenris __**1:26pm

I kissed her when we got back to her house, I kissed her, we said good night, and I found out the next morning that she didn’t remember a damn thing.

**Anders __**1:30pm

You bastard! You knew I’d want to meddle in this!

***

**Anders __**2:09pm

So was I seeing things or did you and fenris tear up the floor almost all night

**Hawke __**2:12pm

I knew you’d bother me about that soon enough

**Anders __**2:13pm

Excuse me?? I was just making an observation is all. Was nice to see you two smiling again though

**Hawke __**2:15pm

Truth be told I nearly asked him to stay. We were at the airport I was saying goodbye to him and I nearly said stay. Stay and let's talk, stay and let's make some sort of amends.

**Anders __**2:17pm

Then why didn't you?

**Hawke __**2:19pm

Because this job is important to him. Because i’m really genuinely happy that we were able to remain friends through all of this. Because in the end what good would it do to dredge all this up?

**Anders __**2:20pm

Closure?

**Hawke __**2:24pm

I can survive not knowing all the details of his life.

**Anders __**2:26pm

Can you really?

**Hawke __**2:29pm

If i keep telling myself that, maybe eventually it will be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise again!!!
> 
> So I won't be home at all on Tuesday because my job is sending me and my coworkers to Six Flags as a reward for earning an award for the restaurant the second year in a row. I also managed to write all the way to chapter 27 this week and rebuilt the back log a bit. So I thought I'd be kind and give everyone the next chapter early.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this one, and aren't too salty with me for having Hawke not even remember what happened. All will come together in due time.
> 
> As always thank you for reading and double thanks for commenting.


	25. Chapter 25

**Cullen __**2:34pm

Open shift tonight you want it?

**Hawke __**2:39pm

Definitely, gives me a chance to ask Sol about interviewing my brother. He made me the most amazing steak for my birthday, I think he might be a natural.

**Cullen __**2:43pm

So you had a good birthday then?

**Hawke __**2:45pm

Yeah I did. Listen sorry again for not inviting you it's complicated

**Cullen __**2:47pm

I understand, Anders is back in town and he and I are still...yeah

**Hawke __**2:49pm

I just don’t want you to think that I don’t consider you a friend. Because I do, you have been such a good friend and I hate that I even made the choice. 

**Cullen __**2:52pm

You’ve been friends with Anders for a great deal longer than you have even known me. It is totally fine. 

**Hawke __**2:55pm

I just need to let you two get drunk together, that’s how he became friends with Fenris.

**Cullen __**2:57pm

Off topic but Iris is coming to visit me in a few weeks. She said to invite you to lunch with us, she’s excited to meet you.

**Hawke __**2:59pm

Oh I am in, I’m looking forward to meeting her as well.

***

“Merrill! Break out the wine; we need to celebrate!” Hawke yelled, running into the house. Merrill jumped out of her chair, dropping the book she had been reading. She followed the sounds of Hawke humming happily to whatever tune was in her head. She took the glass that was handed to her and toasted.

“What are we celebrating?” she asked, taking a sip.

“We are celebrating the incompetence of Petrice.”

“Okay?” 

“She grabbed the handle of a pot that had been sitting over the flames on the stove. Needless to say, she is out of commission and I was just asked to take the lead for the spring banquet!”

“Should we really be celebrating someone getting injured? Seems a bit harsh,” Merrill said, pursing her lips together. Hawke paused and let out a huff.

“Oh jeez, Merrill, way to take the wind out of my sails. All right, fine; I'm not celebrating her injury. I'm celebrating that I am the lead for the baking team for the banquet on Saturday.” Hawke cheered and began a celebratory dance around the kitchen.

“It's this Saturday?” Merrill looked as though her heart had dropped into her stomach. Hawke paused in her dancing and put a hand to her mouth in horror.

“Oh no, oh my God, Merrill. I can't believe I forgot.”

“It's fine. I wasn’t exactly advertising excitement about it, and it's fine; I'll go alone.”

“No, I will just tell Chef to find someone else. I promised I would go with you.”

“Hawke, no, this is too important for you to pass up. Please, I can't let you even consider it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive, I can go alone.”

Hawke fixed her with a scrutinizing stare before shrugging and tipping back her glass to finish off the wine. “I don’t believe you.”

“Hawke, if your high school ex was getting married and I agreed to go with you,” she ignored the scoff that Hawke emitted, “but then found out I was being given a chance to be a key speaker at a conservation rally--would you encourage me to do that, or hold me to my promise to attend the wedding with you?”

“I’m not answering, only because it means you’re absolving me of guilt and I live for feeling guilty for things that are beyond my control.”

“No you don’t, you try and fix things so you don’t have to feel guilty!”

“Ha! Too true.”

“Don't worry yourself over this. You deserved the lead anyway. I'm happy you got it,” Merrill said, giving her a hug. 

“I’m making you a cake. A best friend cake,” Hawke stated before heading upstairs claiming she needed to plan the layout for her displays.

Merrill picked her book up off the floor and made her way to the back porch; she sighed before sitting down on the pillowed chaise. She attempted to get back into her reading, but her thoughts went elsewhere. 

She had decided to go to the wedding believing she would be going alone. That had been her original plan. But when Hawke said she'd go with her, it made the decision easier. She never should have RSVP’d yes; her damn pride forced her hand. To prove once and for all that she had moved on. That she was over Mahariel. She brushed a tear away from her eyes when she heard the back door open. Carver popped his head out and smiled seeing her.

“I hoped you would be home,” he said, taking the open spot next to her. Despite Hawke and Bethany’s insistence that she pursue something with Carver, she had yet to make a move. In truth, she enjoyed the camaraderie she had developed with him, but she couldn't deny that her attraction to him was growing more and more everyday. Especially when he smiled at her. 

“Why is that?” she asked, shifting to give him more room, an act he took to signify he should slide in closer. He was always doing that now, sitting as close to her as he could. Sometimes he would even reach out to move a stray hair from her face, or just rest a hand on her leg, which, as luck would have it, he was doing at that very moment.

“I like your company. Especially after physical therapy,” he said, trailing a circle just above her knee.

“Was it rough today?”

“My least favorite therapist was there. That annoying blonde who keeps trying to ask me on a date.”

“I would think you would enjoy the attention of a gorgeous woman,” Merrill said, pulling her legs up to her chest, ignoring the confused expression on his face.

“I can think of a much better looking woman whose attention I prefer.”

“You’re teasing me. Weren’t you just saying last week that you loved the single life now that you had a chance to enjoy it?” In truth hearing Carver make that statement had been another reason she'd kept quiet. If he was enjoying the single life, who was she to suggest he give it up? 

“It has its perks, and I won't deny there is a feeling of liberation that comes with it.”

“Sure, single life is wonderful. Until you're left high and dry without a date for a wedding,” Merrill replied bitterly. Carver tilted his head and threw his arm over her shoulders. 

“What wedding?”

“Oh, just the first love of my life. The one who broke my heart and left me for the guy she swore was ‘just a friend’.”

“Why would you go to her wedding then?”

“Because I am a foolish woman who needs to prove a point; that I'm over her and am perfectly happy to see the two people I grew up with bond themselves together in wedded bliss,” she replied bitterly.

“I'm confused.”

“Marian was supposed to go with me. But she got selected to be the lead for the spring banquet and can't go now. So on Saturday, I get to drive all the way to Sundermount by myself and spend God knows how many hours trying to figure out how to leave early,” Merrill said with a sigh. “Worst part is, I love weddings. They're so much fun. The dancing, food, the bouquet toss, I love all of it.”

“Well you know I do own a suit,” Carver mused off-handedly.

“Oh Carver, I couldn't ask you to…” she said turning to him in surprise. 

“You didn't though. I offered. Big difference there.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. Besides, now I get the chance to see you in a pretty dress.”

“You’ve seen me in a dress before, Carver.”

“True,” he said with a shrug. “But couldn’t hurt to see it more.”

***

Carver hadn’t been lying when he said he owned a suit. He did; it just didn't survive the fire. He stared at his military dress uniform and knew he couldn't bring himself to wear it that weekend. The sting of his discharge was still fresh in his mind, and wearing that suit would only lead to questions about the military career he was no longer pursuing.

“Knock knock,” his mother said before pushing open the door. She had a basket of his laundry, despite his insistence that she didn't need to do that for him anymore. “Will you be needing me to press your suit for Saturday?”

Carver must have looked forlorn, either that or his mother was psychic--he was counting heavily on the latter. “How hard would it be to get a new suit in time for Saturday?”

“I’m your mother; we’ll have it by the end of the day.”

***

Breakfast the morning of the wedding was awkward at best. Hawke was just finishing her coffee when Merrill made her way down to the kitchen.

“Gotta run, prep starts in an hour and I want to secure the good bench,” she said before pulling a package of pop tarts out of the cabinet.

“Bench?” Merrill asked.

“Oh, bench is what they call the work surface.”

“Why not just call it a table?”

Hawke paused for a moment and shrugged her shoulders. 

“Marian, you had better be eating a proper breakfast,” Leandra’s voice called down the stairs. Hawke froze in place and quickly shoved the box back into the cabinet and stuffed the sleeve of pop tarts into the front of her pants. “I counted them last night!”

“I need fuel that's quick and easy, Mom!”

“At least take an apple or a yogurt with you; I don't want a phone call from the school saying you’ve passed out from starvation.”

“I’ll be fine, no one’s passed out at one of these things in years.”

“Marian!”

“‘Gotta go, bye!”

Merrill laughed as Hawke bounded out of the kitchen with her knife kit in hand. Leandra came in shortly after and gave Merrill a smile and a nod. “Big day today for everyone.”

“Indeed. Would it help if I said I’ve seen her run on coffee and adrenaline alone and come out relatively unscathed?”

Leandra pursed her lips together and sighed. “She truly is her father’s daughter. Malcolm was even worse at times. He’d come home and eat whatever he could find in the fridge. I once found him in the kitchen eating a raw steak that I had been marinating all day.”

“Remember when he ate half a pie and felt so bad he made another one?” Bethany asked, walking into the kitchen with Sebastian. Carver followed soon after and Merrill fought the urge to blush at the grin he gave her. 

“I remember waking up the morning of our tenth birthday,” Carver said, taking a seat next to Merrill at the table. “He stayed up all night making each of us a cake because we couldn’t agree on a flavor.”

“Yes, and you both ended up eating the opposite ones,” Leandra commented pouring out coffee for everyone. 

“Well, Carver has good taste,” Bethany said with a wink at Merrill. Carver blushed furiously and Sebastian chuckled quietly to himself. 

“What are your plans for this evening, Bethany?” Leandra interjected and Merrill sent out a silent thank you.

“Sebastian and I are going out to dinner,” she said, smiling when Sebastian rested his hand over hers.

“So it’s just me all by myself tonight,” Leandra said wistfully. “Perhaps I’ll get dressed up and have a night on the town.”

Carver sputtered and quickly grabbed a napkin to clean the coffee dripping down his chin. “You’re doing what?”

“Carver, you idiot, Mom is making a joke,” Bethany said with a roll of her eyes. “Merrill, would you like me to help you with your hair? What time do you need to leave by?”

“I should probably be on the road by two,” she said in between bites of toast. She had been eating in an effort to not have to engage in conversation. Plus she hoped if she fed the butterflies in her stomach they might calm down. “But I would appreciate the help; I’d like to try something new with my hair.”

“I think you’d be just darling in pin curls, especially with the dress you bought,” Leandra noted. Merrill nodded rather than speak. Her efforts to feed the butterflies in her stomach were now causing her untold amounts of nausea. Judging from the look on Carver’s face, he was feeling very much the same way.

Merrill excused herself from the table and made her way upstairs to her bedroom. A long hot shower was in order; she needed to calm her fraying nerves. _It’s not even a date; he’s going with you so don’t have to go alone,_ she thought to herself. 

***

Carver knocked on Merrill’s bedroom door at quarter to two on the dot. He’d been ready for almost an hour and had spent the better part of that time pacing in his room. The dark blue suit fit him perfectly and somehow managed to detract from the scars on his face. His mother had insisted on a pale green tie to go with it, stating it would match the dress Merrill would be wearing. 

_Merrill in a dress, Merrill in a dress at a wedding with him as her date._ What in the world had he been thinking when he said he would go with her? 

_That you’ve had a crush on her since you met her. That she’s been the one person who never once made you feel like you were an invalid after the accident. That she’s smart, funny, absolutely beautiful and you’ve been dying for a chance to actually ask her out on a date…_

His breath caught when she opened the door. 

The dress was a floaty, ethereal material in dark earth tones with gold-picked embroidery along the bust. It curved around her bare shoulders with a demure ruffle, and flowed around her slim figure to swing freely about her knees. Black ankle strap heels gave her an extra five inches of height and he still dwarfed her. 

“You look amazing,” he said breathlessly, holding back the urge to blush when he heard Bethany chuckle from inside the bedroom. “Really, just amazing.”

“Thank you,” she replied with a shy smile. “You look great too.”

***

Merrill briefed him on a few of the details of whose wedding they were going to. That she and Mahariel had started dating in freshmen year of high school, and made promises of commitment to each other when she left for college. How she hadn’t even known they were broken up until she received the engagement announcement in the mail. That the person Mahariel was marrying was their mutual childhood best friend, and occasional partner in the bedroom.

“So… you and her would...”

“With him, yes,” Merrill stated frankly. “When you grow up together and rarely meet anyone outside of your own town, things happen.”

“Well yeah, I knew Peaches since kindergarten. We didn’t actually start dating until my junior year,” Carver replied.

“And now they’re getting married and I am putting on a brave face and attending.”

“Well for what it’s worth, she was a fool to let you go.”

“And Peaches was as well for letting go of you,” she said, reaching over to take his hand.

***

Mahariel and Tamlen exchanged vows under an archway of Spring flowers to the delight of everyone who attended. Merrill shed a few tears and held Carver’s hand throughout the ceremony. When the bride and groom kissed for the first time as husband and wife Carver leaned over and pressed his lips to Merrill’s temple. 

The filed out with the guests to congratulate the couple. Merrill embraced her friends happily and thanked them for inviting her.

“Who’s your guest, Merrill?” Tamlen asked, eyeing him for a moment.

Carver stepped forward and shook his hand. “Hi, I’m Carver Hawke, Merrill’s boyfriend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merver!!!!!
> 
> I had the idea for this months ago and when it finally came time to write it I lost my mind and honestly this chapter is reason I had to cut back on the twice weekly posts. This chapter refused to be written, so needless to say I am happy to finally post it and never have to look at it again...
> 
> So I promised Tuxedo her Fenris fix this week and I realized that Fenris isn't even in this chapter, sorry for that but hey Merver!! :P


	26. Chapter 26

Hawke felt dead on her feet, but the night wasn’t over yet. Her team was set and ready to begin delivering desserts out to the waiting guests in the ballroom. Her showpieces caught the eye of everyone who saw them and she heard more than one person lavish them with praise. Chef Orsino was giving a speech thanking all the donors for their contributions to the school. Hawke fought the urge to yawn, knowing full well that would be when someone would happen to glance her way.

“As you know, every year at the Spring banquet we like to recognize one of our graduating seniors for excellent work and talent. She came to us from…”

Hawke was barely listening to Orsino speak; her sixth cup of coffee was beginning to wear off. It wasn’t until she tried to leave the room that her arm was grabbed suddenly by one of her team members.

“Where are you going?” 

“I need another cup of coffee. I am about to pass out.”

“Well you better wake up fast, they’re about to call you up there.”

“What?”

“This year's Culinary Champion is Marian Hawke!” Orsino’s voice rang out and Hawke’s eyes widened as she was pushed into the banquet hall. As she walked up to the podium all she could think about was the chocolate stains on her coat, the fact that her fingertips were blue, and that she was absolutely positive there was a streak of strawberry sauce across her nose.

She shook hands and nodded and thanked everyone for their congratulations, all the while thinking to herself... _I can’t wait to tell Fenris!_

***

“Carver, what in the world were you thinking?” Merrill asked frantically, pulling Carver to a somewhat secluded corner, hoping the sheer look of confusion on her face at his statement hadn’t tipped Mahariel and Tamlen off to the deception. 

“Well I’ve been trying to find a way to ask you all week if you’d like to date me, and honestly, I thought maybe if I just said I was your boyfriend I could avoid the awkwardness of actually asking,” he offered weakly.

Merrill stared at him dumbfounded, “You...want to date me?”

“I knew I should have just said it. Damn it, I’m not good with being blunt; that’s always been Marian’s thing, and I thought maybe if I just…”

Merrill pulled him down to her level and pressed a feverish kiss against his lips. His arms enfolded her and pulled her in tight as her teeth grazed over his bottom lip. He could hear a few of the wedding guests gasp and a few admonishing titters. _Fuck ‘em…_

They pulled themselves away from each other before they got carried away, each one of them blushing furiously. Carver couldn't wipe the wide grin off his face if he tried. “So...yes?”

“No, I just wanted to break my neck trying to reach you--of course yes!”

***

“Bethany Hawke, will you marry me?” he said on bended knee. Her hands rose to her face in shock. Tears filled her eyes before she started nodding frantically.

“Yes, oh my god yes!”

Sebastian rose and pulled her in for a kiss, chuckling when she blushed at the applause. It seemed every guest in the restaurant had eyes on them. He placed the ring on her finger, a single square cut sapphire set in platinum.

“Do you have any idea how happy you make me?” he said, his forehead pressed against hers.

“The feeling is so incredibly mutual, I love you Sebastian.”

“And I you.”

***

**Hawke __**12:35am

I’m the Champion of Kirkwall!!

**Fenris __**12:40am

You’re singing the song aren’t you?

**Hawke __**12:42am

I was, but then a police officer stopped me while I was walking home and said I was disturbing the peace and inquired as to how much I had to drink

**Fenris __**12:44am

So how much have you had to drink?

**Hawke __**12:46am

I had one glass of champagne at the banquet. I was named the Culinary Champion, I’m apparently the best and brightest of this year's graduating class.

**Fenris __**12:48am

That’s awesome, you deserve it.

**Hawke __**12:50am

Thank you! I’m going to collapse into bed now, I can’t remember if I ate dinner. I’ve been surviving on fondant, royal icing, pastry dough and coffee.

**Fenris __**12:52am

I’d tell you to eat something before bed but chances are you’d pass out at the kitchen table.

**Fenris __**1:02am

Sweet dreams Hawke.

***

**Hawke __**11:03am

I went from being the Champion of Kirkwall to 5th wheel in my own home

**Hawke __**11:09am

Did I message you at a bad time?

**Fenris __**11:12am

I just thought I’d give you some time to just tell me everything that happened.

**Hawke __**11:14am

God you know me so well.

**Hawke __**11:17am

So Carver took Merrill to the wedding in Sundermount and I found them in bed together this morning. Clothed thankfully.

**Fenris __**11:19am

Oh good so he finally stepped up.

**Hawke __**11:22am

Do I want to know if you got involved?

**Fenris __**11:24am

Probably no more involved than you were on Merrill’s end.

**Hawke __**11:25am

Alright fair point. But that's not the kicker of the morning's events. There’s going to be another wedding.

**Fenris __**11:26am

Sebastian proposed?

**Hawke __**11:28am

Again, are you involved in any of this? I had no idea he was even considering this.

**Fenris __**11:30am

Logically it's the only choice. Anders would never have proposed to Isabela without getting drunk with me to tell me about it first. Varric is married to his laptop, your mother isn’t seeing anyone and we don’t have any other friends.

**Hawke __**11:32am

I have other friends... 

**Fenris __**11:34am

Yes, you have me and I’m not marrying anyone

**Hawke __**11:36am

Not ever?

**Fenris __**11:39am

Someday, if they’ll have me

**Hawke __**11:42am

They’d be a fool not to.

***

**Iris __**12:56pm

Oh my god Fenris the craziest thing happened to me. So I was in Dara’s office doing some cleanup before the semester ends and I accidentally knocked her wolf jaw pendant off the desk. It broke in half when it fell on the floor. 

**Fenris __**1:03pm

Oh shit, is she pissed.

**Iris __**1:05pm

She doesn’t know. That's not the point; the point is I didn't actually break it. It was a USB drive. I don’t know why she never told me she’d written a book; its amazing its one of the best things I’ve ever read. I had a day or two to go through, and then I looked through some of the notes and outlines. It’s so intense, I need more time look through all of it. But as soon as I was finished I knew I had to tell you.

**Fenris __**1:07pm

Iris you found your professors personal USB drive and decided to open it.

**Iris __**1:10pm

And?

**Fenris __**1:12pm

Never mind do continue.

**Iris __**1:14pm

Ok so the book is pretty much complete, it needs some major editing and not only that it has two different endings. In the first ending the hero gives up his quest when he realizes it will destroy the world and in the second ending he has grown so cold to the world he decides to let it die and his own lover has to kill him in order to stop him. I have no idea why she has both of these as an ending. I mean the Dread Wolf is such a complex character I suppose it only made sense to consider two possible outcomes.

**Fenris __**1:16pm

The Dread Wolf? You’re absolutely sure?

**Iris __**1:18pm

Well yeah that's his moniker, his real name is Fen’Harel.

**Fenris __**1:20pm

Holy shit Iris do you have any idea what you found?

**Iris __**1:22pm

A pretty amazing book that I sincerely hope she decides to put forward for publishing.

**Fenris __**1:23pm

She was supposed to! She was all set to publish it through Morrigan’s mother's company, when she and Solas broke up she allegedly destroyed it. Iris, this means the book still exists.

**Iris __**1:25pm

Back up, you mean to tell me that I found a book that was supposedly destroyed?

**Fenris __**1:27pm

Yes!

_**Incoming Call - Iris Trevelyan** _

“This is so awesome! Tell me more!”

***

**Fenris __**10:34pm

That line was from the Simpsons!

**Hawke __**10:39pm

All right I tried telepathy and its not working, please explain

**Fenris __**10:42pm

That line you said to me, it’s from the Simpsons

**Hawke __**10:45pm

Again I cannot read your mind, what line?

**Fenris __**10:47pm

You’ll have to speak up I’m wearing a towel

**Hawke __**10:56pm

You are only just realizing this now? 

**Fenris __**10:57pm

There’s a marathon on

**Hawke __**10:59pm

I consider that to be one of my finest moments. I was in what will still be considered the most awkward situations of my life and I managed to throw out a one liner

**Fenris __**11:03pm

The awkward feeling was mutual I assure you

***

_**Incoming Call - Varania Puer** _

“Hey, how are you,” he said with a smile, answering his phone.

“Uncle Fenris?” Letonia’s voice said cautiously and he felt his chest cave in hearing it.

“Letonia, what's wrong? Are you ok?”

“I'm ok. It's Momma. She's been crying all day and she won’t tell me what happened. I’m scared, can you come back, Uncle Fen? Momma was happy when you were here.”

“Letonia, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to give the phone to Momma.” Fenris did all he could to keep his voice even and calm. He listened to Letonia softly knock on her mother’s door and the muffled response.

“Momma, Uncle Fenris is on the phone.”

“Letonia what did I tell you about calling people with my phone?”

“I was scared, Momma. Please talk to Uncle Fenris, please, you were so happy when he was here. I thought if he came back you’d be happy again.”

He heard the sound of Varania sighing and Letonia sniffling and waited. “Hello.” Her voice sounded tired and strained.

“Varania, what happened? Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“Are you lying to me?”

“I might be.”

Please,” he pleaded. “Talk to me.”

“Erimond found us. He was at my job. He started a fight with me there...and they ended up letting me go.”

“Where is he now?”

“I don’t know; he didn’t follow me home. But… Fenris, he says he wants to help me and Letonia. Says he’s clean and that he’s not going back to his old ways.”

“Varania, he got you fired.”

“He didn’t mean to. I shouldn’t have called him a two bit dealer with no future. I set him off.”

Fenris inhaled sharply and bit back the harsh retort he knew would only make things worse; “Listen to me, please. Don't go back to him. He got you fired so you'd need him.” Varania stayed silent and he pressed on. “He's never going to change, Varania. It's going to be just like it was before and this time Letonia…might get hurt too.”

“He'd never lay a hand on her. He's never hit me.”

“You left for a reason, right? Every time you've left for a reason. Think about that. Please don't do this again.”

“I can’t keep doing this, Fenris. I’m so tired of struggling. When he was around, the bills were paid; I know they weren’t paid with honest money, but at least I could dress Letonia in clothes I didn’t get second hand from my neighbor.” She sounded so defeated he felt his gut clench.

“Varania,” he said with a sigh. “Let me help you.”

“I can't ask you to do that,” she said almost too quickly, as though it was a knee jerk response.

“You're not, I am choosing to do this. I've honestly had the idea for some time now.” He wasn’t lying. The idea had been in his mind since he’d left Tevinter, had grown during his time in Antiva, and had fully taken root when they landed in Rivain.

“What idea is that?”

“Kirkwall. I'm moving you to Kirkwall.”

“You want me to uproot my daughter and move to an entirely new city? One you won't even be in?”

“I will be there; the tour is almost over.”

“I don't know about this…”

“Trust me, please; this will be good for both of you.”

“Will you be there when we land? Tell me you'll be there. Don’t make me go some place where I don’t know anyone. I can’t do that again, Fenris...don’t ask me to.”

“I'll be there, I promise.”

***

**Fenris __**8:09pm

Did they show up?

**Varania __**8:11pm

If you're referring to the giant and his well dressed boyfriend then yes. Why does my daughter know them by name?

**Fenris __**8:13pm

I'll be sure to let Dorian know the sort of impression he made on you.

**Varania __**8:15pm

He waltzed into my apartment, looked around and sighed. 

**Fenris __**8:18pm

Sounds like him. He's a really great guy though. He's going to be putting you up in a hotel and Xander will be picking you up to take you to the airport as soon as I send him the flight itinerary. You won't have to do any of this alone.

**Varania __**8:27pm

We're not going to a hotel. He's putting us in his guest room. Fenris, why is he being so nice? 

**Fenris** _8:30pm_

That's the type of people they are

**Varania __**8:34pm

I don't know about this, Fenris. You don't have a kid.

**Fenris __**8:37pm

Letonia is young. If you get excited, she'll get excited. If you're nervous, she's nervous. 

**Varania __**8:39pm

It's hard not to be nervous. You're really going to be there?

**Fenris __**8:42pm

I've said yes many times, but if it will make you feel better, yes. I will be there. 

**Varania __**8:45pm

Puer Promise?

Fenris stared at his phone and felt himself tear up. Puer Promise, it had been their code, their motto, their mantra. A lot of the kids in the foster system would take the names of their new families, even if they weren’t adopted. Varania and he had sworn to never give up their names, or each other. When he had pushed her away the first time she begged him to remember their promise...their Puer Promise.

**Fenris __**8:50pm

Puer Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess whose coming to Kirkwall??
> 
> As always, thanks for reading :)


	27. Chapter 27

“No, absolutely not,” Solas said angrily. Morrigan sat next to him. If she was surprised by either of their declarations, she gave no sign.

“It wasn’t a request, sir. I have to leave.” Fenris was shocked at the tone of his voice. He’d never been anything but cordial with Solas. But the last month had been almost unbearable. Solas had become a new person: callous, cold, critical, demanding. Not even Morrigan could contend with the barbs Solas would throw at them.

“What could possibly be so important that you have to leave when we only have a short time left?”

“It's my sister. Her ex is out of jail and he's found out where she's living. I need to get her to Kirkwall and settled in.”

“Sister? Since when do you have a family? You told us in your interview that you were an orphan, grew up in foster care.”

“She found me in Tevinter. We reconnected.”

“Did you know about this, Morrigan?” Solas asked, turning to her. Morrigan regarded him with a cool expression.

“I did.”

“This is unacceptable. Fenris, I don't think you realize the severity of this situation. Three days left in the tour and you’re leaving. I have a full schedule; who is going to do the work?”

“I can come back. I'll come back on my own dime to read through the books. I'll find them in other libraries if I have to. I'll make the calls. But I cannot stay here when she needs me.”

Solas sighed and shook his head. “I had hoped to make this offer at the end of our tour but I suppose I will make it now. Morrigan is no longer going to be my agent.” He gestured to her with almost disregard. Fenris looked to Morrigan, but she would not meet his eyes. “She's made the request to be made an editor for the company so she can spend more time at home. I was unwilling to lose her as my agent, especially now that I planned to extend the tour by another six months.”

“You're extending the tour further?”

“Yes,” Solas said with a smile. “Several universities have requested I return to offer more lectures.”

“Skyhold included,” Morrigan added tersely. Solas glared at her momentarily before continuing on.

“But this makes quite the opportunity for you. I have requested that you be hired on and trained to be my new agent. You'll spend your two month break in Denerim going through the proper training and when we pick back up again in August you will officially be my agent. I have a few other candidates to fill your current position.”

“This is something I would need time to consider, even if my sister didn't need me right now. I'd want time to decide if this is the right choice for me,” he said without hesitation. The thought of being a literary agent had never even crossed his mind. Despite his nature with those close to him, Fenris knew he was not what one would call a people person. Why Solas was even considering him for this job was beyond his understanding. 

“What choice is there to consider?” Solas asked in complete disbelief, as though he never thought Fenris would decline. “You'll never get another opportunity like this. The sheer number of connections you could build from this position alone could propel you further into the literary world than you ever could manage on your own.”

“But it's not the career I chose.”

“Yes, high school teacher, I remember,” he scoffed. “Don't you want more out of life? Don't you want a real opportunity to make something of yourself?”

Fenris stared at him in stunned silence. Who was this man? What had happened to the professor who engaged him, who touted the greatness of knowledge and passing it on? Solas sighed and turned to Morrigan.

“The check, if you please,” he said, holding out his hand. Morrigan laid it down on the table and slid it towards Fenris.

“What is this?”

“Just an incentive, an idea of what your future holds should you accept this job. I do hope you will make the right decision,” he added before departing the room, citing a need to prepare himself for the day’s lectures.

Morrigan sighed, and Fenris picked up the check. The number was astounding—more than he had even imagined. He looked to Morrigan and pursed his lips together.

“I cannot stay, you know that. This isn't a life I would choose for myself. Years ago, maybe I would have relished the chance for this. But now... now I have other people to live for besides myself. You understand that, don’t you?”

Morrigan met his eyes and smiled softly. “I understand, and I'm proud of you. It takes a great deal of courage to sacrifice yourself for the sake of others.”

“What about you though? Will this mean you are stuck with him for another year?”

“Perhaps, but I'm sure I will come up with something. If I press for it enough my mother might eventually decide to stop giving in to his demands. But he was our first client, and still the one who makes us the most money. You know why he's asking this of you, right?”

“I'm astounded at the idea; please enlighten me.”

“You don't know the man he used to be. The man with passion, drive, exuberance, and genuine care for those close to him. I think he needs someone in his life who didn't know that man. So that he can pretend it was another life, another person.”

Fenris folded the check and went to hand it back to her. She shook her head and smiled. “Keep it; after all, it's just your incentive to stay. You're not obligated to remain and it's already come out of payroll. I'll make sure it's all taken care of. Think of it as a gift to Letonia.”

Fenris nodded and went to leave but not before turning to face her one last time. “Morrigan, the Dread Wolf lives.”

“What?” she said, eyes wide.

“Go see Dara, talk to her, be her friend again. The Dread Wolf lives. I won't say where he's been hiding all this time. But rest assured he still lives,” he said in earnest.

“How did you find this out?”

“That secret I will not share. But something tells me that Dara just might be willing to let him see the light of day again. If only to help you; after all, you were friends once, yes?”

“Yes,” she choked out, unable to mask her emotions. “Fenris, if she agrees to publish it, that means…”

“Tell her I said hello, and that I learned my past should be shared with the ones I love.”

***

**Dorian __**12:34pm

YOU! THEY'RE STEALING MY BOYFRIEND!

**Fenris __**12:36pm

Is Xander getting on the plane with them?

**Dorian __**12:38pm

No but I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried.

**Fenris __**12:40pm

They aren't stealing your boyfriend.

**Dorian __**12:42pm

That tiny, adorable, precious child is sinking her little claws in him. He's giving me "the look". I don't know if you've seen my hips, but they aren't meant for rearing children.

**Fenris __**12:44pm

I don't think it's your hips that's the issue.

**Dorian __**12:47pm

THAT IS ENTIRELY NOT THE POINT. THIS CHILD IS STEALING MY BOYFRIEND WITH HER PRECIOUSNESS AND I BLAME YOU GOOD SIR!

**Dorian __**1:34pm

I miss them

***

**Fenris __**3:45pm

I’m back in Kirkwall

**Hawke __**4:23pm

What? Are you serious? I thought you weren’t supposed to be back for another week?

**Fenris __**4:38pm

Some things came up that needed my attention. I just need a few days to get settled back in. Care to pencil me in for lunch at the diner three days from now?

**Hawke __**4:45pm

Do you need a place to stay? Is that the issue? Do you need a job? What happened?

**Fenris __**4:59pm

I promise to explain everything when I see you. I have a place to stay and the job can wait, I’m set up for now. Lunch, diner, three days from now.

**Hawke __**5:04pm

You are so lucky that I am too swamped with finals to come searching for you to get answers now

**Hawke __**5:10pm

Picture proof right now!

**Fenris __**5:15pm

*image sent*

I’m home

***

**Iris __**5:09pm

You ratted me out!

**Fenris __**5:12pm

I did no such thing

**Iris __**5:15pm

Really? Then why is Morrigan here and why are she and Dara talking about the book?!

**Fenris __**5:17pm

I never mentioned your name.

**Iris __**5:20pm

As if that helps at all!

**Fenris __**5:25pm

How much trouble are you in?

**Iris __**5:56pm

I’m not, she’s dedicating the first book to me. Fenris what did you do?

**Fenris __**6:03pm

What you taught me to do. I cared enough to try and help

***

“Fenris, this is… how did you manage all of this?” Varania asked in wonder as she took in the layout of her new apartment. The Gents had grown tired of living in the two bedroom flat above their diner and had moved to a house in Hightown. Elle had told Fenris of their plans back in December, in hopes that the prospect of a larger place he had first dibs on would ensure his return to Kirkwall. How right she had been.

“I have an uncanny ability to meet people who seem to take an interest in taking care of me,” he said with a smile to Elle and Rickard. “I didn’t learn to accept it until a few years ago.”

“Momma!” Letonia called from down the hall. “My room is so big! It’s a thousand times bigger than my old one!”

“Oh to be four again,” Elle said with a wistful smile. “Rickard, why didn’t we have children?”

“We have Fenris, he came to us fully grown and appreciates everything we do for him,” Rickard responded while throwing an arm over Fenris’ shoulders. “And now through him we have a daughter and a granddaughter.”

Varania blushed and looked down at the floor. “I don’t know how to begin to thank you for all of this. You hardly know me and…”

“Oh hush,” Elle said, moving forward to give Varania a hug. “We adore Fenris and when he told us he had a sister with a little girl who needed a home how could we not help?”

“You’re absolutely sure that Dorothea wants to hire me?” Varania asked for the thousandth time.

“She’s been struggling so much to run that shop on her own she nearly cried when we said we found someone to help. Between that and a few shifts at the diner you will be more than set.”

“And you’re sure about the rent?”

“Absolutely, six months on the house so you can get settled in. We can swing it so don’t think you’re taking advantage of us. It’s the offer we would have given Fenris if he had taken the place, and you are his sister so the offer extends to you.”

“Uncle Fen, when are we going to the Hanged Man’s Tree?” Letonia asked walking into the room. 

“What are you talking about, sweetheart?” Varania asked.

“We’re in Kirk, I want to see the Hanged Man’s Tree where all the special parties happen.”

“Is she talking about the Hanged Man?” Rickard asked. “How does she know about the Hanged Man?”

“I might have used Kirkwall as some inspiration for a bedtime story,” Fenris explained. 

“Kirk is a magic city where people who have been cursed can go to find their cures. That’s why we’re here, we found the city of Kirk and it's going to help my Momma be happy again,” Letonia insisted. “I have to find all the people from the story, they’ll tell me what happened to the wolf and the Lady Hawke.”

“From the mouth of babes,” Elle said with a smile.

***

**Hawke __**9:04am

So are we still on?

**Fenris __**9:10am

Of course, so just a heads up I’m going to have some people with me I want to introduce you to.

**Hawke __**9:12am

Oooh intrigue, can't wait to see you!

**Fenris __**9:15am

Me too, see you at noon

***

Hawke walked down the street with a spring in her step she hadn’t had in what felt like weeks. Something about the idea of seeing Fenris had brought her more happiness than she even expected. There was no denying there was a place in her heart that could only be filled by him. Now that he was back, they could work on rebuilding the friendship that she now knew meant the world to her.

The bells of the diner door jingled as she walked in and brought a smile to her face that soon faltered when she saw the two people sitting with Fenris. The woman had bright red hair tied back into a loose ponytail and the child...she was the spitting image of Leto. Olive skin, deep black hair, and those eyes--those bright green eyes. Her breath caught when Fenris looked to her with a hopeful smile and she turned and bolted out the door.

She had barely made it out when she heard him behind her. “Hawke! Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving, Fenris,” she said angrily. “There are just some things you cannot spring on a person and this is one of them.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Her, the little girl,” Hawke accused pointing at the diner. “I’m not saying you could have told me in a text, but even still, a heads up would have been nice!”

“Again, Hawke, what are you talking about?”

“The little girl, she’s your daughter, isn’t she? You had her before all this and only just found out and you moved them here, that’s what’s going on,” she cried, doing all she could to hold back tears.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Hawke, what kind of person do you take me for? Do you honestly think if that was the case I would have just had you show up here and meet her? You’re my best friend and I wanted you to meet my family!”

“If she’s not your daughter then how is she your family?”

“Uncle Fenris,” came a small voice. “Are we still having lunch with your friend?”

Hawke looked at Fenris and groaned loudly. “Oh my god so she’s your...?”

“Niece, yes, and that’s her mother, my _sister_ Varania,” he said with a chuckle. 

“I am such an ass!”

“Yeah, but you’re the best ass anyone could ask for,” he said reaching out to stop her from smacking herself in the head and hugging her tight.

“Uncle Fenris, that's a bad word!” Letonia admonished them. “You both said a bad word!”

“I did, and I am sorry. Letonia I would like you to meet my best friend,” Fenris said gesturing to Hawke who was hastily wiping her eyes. 

“Hello,” Hawke said, kneeling down once she was composed. “I’m Marian, but you can call me Hawke. Everyone does.”

Letonia stared at her, wide-eyed, and smiled shyly. “It’s very nice to meet you,” she said with her hands clasped behind her back, her foot circling nervously on the ground. “Are you having lunch with us?”

“That’s the plan,” Fenris said with a smile, opening the door. “Shall we, ladies?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you love this? I loved this.
> 
> I am so happy to be out of the angst and moving onto the feels and the happy!!
> 
> Trust me, minimal angst from here on out. 28 and 29 are finished and sent off to beta. I'm gonna take a little time to really hash out the final chapter and make it everything I hoped for.
> 
> But this is it, we're in the final stretch. Thank you for tagging along for this crazy ride.


	28. Chapter 28

Fenris was watching his niece and his best friend bond in front of his eyes and it brought him more happiness than he could have imagined. Letonia asked Hawke a million questions and Hawke was happy to answer all of them.

“Can you really make icing in any color?” Letonia asked excitedly.

“Any color in the world.”

“Can you make a cake look like a dragon?”

“Of course.”

“Can you make me a dragon cake for my birthday?”

“Letonia, it's rude to ask that sort of question,” Varania admonished.

“I’m sorry, Momma.”

“How old are you going to be?” Hawke asked.

“Five.”

“Then yes, I can make a dragon cake. Everyone knows five is the dragon birthday,” Hawke said with a grin. “It's no trouble, really. I’ve been buried in tiered cakes and showpieces; making a dragon cake would be such a welcome change. When’s her birthday?”

“Not until December.”

“Well then I have plenty of time to plan and to make all necessary changes to color that are sure to happen.”

“Blue and orange!” Letonia exclaimed. “Wait no, purple and orange.”

“My point exactly,” Hawke said with a laugh.

“Fenris,” Elle said, walking over with a worried look on her face. “It’s Dorothea.”

The mood of the room dropped instantly as Fenris sat up quickly. “What happened?”

“She fell. The ambulance is on its way now,” she said, almost in tears. “It seems like she broke her hip.”

“I need to get to the shop then,” Varania said, wiping her lips with her napkin. “Time to show her she made the right choice in hiring me.”

“I should go to the hospital; someone should be there with her,” Elle said. 

“I’ll go with you,” Fenris said, pulling out his wallet to pay for the meal. He winced when Elle smacked it out of his hand. 

“What about me?” Letonia interrupted. “Uncle Fenris, you said we’d go to the park.”

“Oh,” Fenris said, his lips pursed together in thought. “Letonia, the park will still be there tomorrow. Dorothea is a very special person to me and she’s also Momma’s boss.”

“I don’t want to go to the hospital,” Letonia whined. “I don’t like them, they’re scary, don’t make me go!”

“Letonia, this is unacceptable,” Varania chastised. “You are having a tantrum.”

“I want to go to the park! Uncle Fenris promised me we’d go to the park! I don’t want to live here anymore!”

“Letonia!”

“I’ll take her,” Hawke spoke up quickly. “You go to work; you go be with Dorothea; I can take her.”

“I...Fenris?” Varania asked nervously. 

“Are you sure?” he asked Hawke.

“Totally, I have the entire day free and what could be more fun than walking through the park?” Hawke turned to Letonia and flashed a big smile. “Would you like that? Spend the day with me? I promise to make it fun.”

Letonia looked at Fenris nervously, as though accepting the offer was a betrayal. Fenris knelt down to meet Letonia at eye level. “I promise to take you out this week and do something fun. Hawke is my best friend and I know she will take extra special care of you.”

“I know a really great place where the coffee is magic and the hot cocoa is even more magical,” Hawke said, kneeling next to Fenris. 

“Okay,” Letonia said with a smile.

As he was leaving with Elle and Varania, he heard Letonia ask, “Are you the Lady Hawke?”

***

“Are you the Lady Hawke?” 

“I'm not sure. Who is the Lady Hawke?”

“She's a very special lady. She has magic and she loves the white wolf. Uncle Fen told me all about her. She lives in the city of Kirk with her friends. But I think she's really the magic bird who stayed with the prince when he was trapped in the enchanted forest,” Letonia explained while dipping her fries in ketchup. “I have to find her so she can tell me how the story ends. Uncle Fen is going to be so busy working and helping Momma I don't think he'll have time to tell me. So I have to find her or Daisy, or even Siren. They'll know if the prince found his memories and his sister, the princess.”

Hawke smiled and took a moment to really look at Fenris’ niece. The similarities between them were astounding, at least on a physical level. She wondered if his own child would look that much like him, which then led to her thinking of Fenris having children. She brushed the thought away as it left her feeling sad and wistful. 

“So you’re Uncle Fen’s best friend?”

“Yes, I am. We met here; we went to college together.”

“I don’t have a best friend. None of the kids in my neighborhood were very nice to me. They made fun of me for not having a daddy.”

Hawke felt a sense of kinship with Letonia in that moment. “I lost my dad when I was younger.”

“Do you miss him?”

“All the time.”

“I don’t remember meeting my dad. My Momma says that he loved me, but that he didn’t know how to be my daddy. That he had some bad stuff in his head that made it so he couldn’t be a daddy.”

“Sometimes that happens, but I bet that means your Momma loves you twice as much.”

“She does; she’s a very good Momma. I’m glad she found Uncle Fen though. She smiles more when he’s around. I think she missed him a lot. If I had a brother and he had to say goodbye I’d miss him a lot too. Do you have a brother?”

“Yes, and a sister. They’re twins.”

“You have both? That’s so cool!”

Hawke laughed, remembering there were a few times where having siblings didn't seem like the coolest thing, more like the most annoying. “If it gets late and your uncle can’t come get you yet, maybe we’ll go to my house and you can meet them.”

“I would like that very much, thank you.”

“So are you ready to go to the park?”

“Yes, umm, Hawke?”

“Yes?”

“Can I tell you the story my uncle Fen told me? Maybe you can help me find the Lady Hawke if you know the story too.”

“That sounds like a great idea.”

***

Hawke had to give Letonia credit, she knew how to tell a story. She didn’t think there was a single detail missed. Hawke did her best to avoid completely breaking down into giggles at the names of the citizens of Kirk. She saw her friends reflected in all of them. Daisy was Merrill of course, Ser Pounce the wizard cat could only be Anders, Siren the pirate with magic coffee was Isabela, and she knew Varric might very well take offense that his counterpart was a dwarf. The man never said it out loud but everyone knew he was a little salty about his height being mentioned. 

As Letonia went on, Hawke realized that she was indeed the Lady Hawke and Fenris was the white wolf. There were moments in the story that she did her best not to cry, remembering the night they met, the night they kissed, and the day he left.

“So now the wolf is a prince again and he’s covered in the colors of the fairy people and his hair has turned white as snow. But he still doesn't remember who he is. The Lady Hawke’s kiss only broke half the spell. But I think I know why.”

“Why is that?”

“The Lady Hawke’s magic is that she can make anyone smile no matter how sad they are. I think if the prince got his memories back he would be sad and that's why the Lady Hawke can’t give them back to him. He needs to find them on his own.”

“You know what I think you should do,” Hawke offered. “I think you should come up with the ending yourself. That way you can tell it to Uncle Fen. I bet he’d love that.”

“He would! Uncle Fen loves stories,” Letonia said excitedly before stopping and turning to Hawke with wide eyes. “You _are_ the Lady Hawke!”

“Me?”

“Yes! You have to be! You helped me find the story; you’re the Lady Hawke!”

“Maybe I am,” Hawke said with a laugh. They walked down to the lake and Hawke showed Letonia how to skip stones across the water.

“You have super hero hair,” Letonia said, apparently distracted from the idea of Hawke being _the_ Lady Hawke.

“Super hero hair?”

“Yes, I like it. I want to have super hero hair and paint tattoos on me when I grow up.”

Hawke had to smile at the idea that she looked like a superhero. She supposed Fenris would need additional thanks for convincing her to add the blue streaks again. Her own mother had complimented her when she'd come back from the salon.

“Are we going to get magic coffee?” Letonia asked as they passed by a coffee cart. 

“Yes, but not from there. Come on, I'll take you to my favorite place in all of Kirkwall.”

Storm clouds were brewing over head as they made their way towards Siren’s Call and Hawke pulled out her phone to send a quick text to Fenris.

**Hawke __**3:23pm

How is everything?

**Fenris __**3:34pm

She’s being taken for x-rays now. Not sure how much longer.

**Hawke __**3:37pm

I’m gonna take Letonia to my place, that alright with you?

**Fenris __**3:39pm

That's fine, I’ll call you when i’m on my way. How is she?

**Hawke __**3:42pm

She’s adorable, I want one. 

**Fenris __**3:45pm

Talk to Bethany :P 

“Hey kid, I don’t like the look of those clouds. We’re going to my house. I don’t have magic coffee but I have all the supplies to make the best damn cocoa ever.”

Letonia giggled, “You said a naughty word.”

Hawke groaned internally, she was going to need to watch her tongue around this one. “Yes I did, people my age say a lot of naughty words. We have to say them because once you’re a grown up you’re not supposed to say them anymore. So I only have a few years to get them all out.”

Letonia nodded as though nothing could make more sense. A sudden downpour forced Hawke to hoist Letonia up and let her latch onto her hip as she took off across the street towards her house. Despite her best efforts she and Letonia arrived in the doorway of the house soaked to the bone. They giggled as their shoes squished as they made their way towards the kitchen. She could hear her mother and Bethany’s voices as she approached.

“I’m really leaning towards blue for the main color, after all it will match the ring,” Bethany murmured. Leandra hummed in agreement. “Plus if Marian keeps her hair streaked she’ll match the theme as well.”

Leandra laughed heartily and turned at the sound of Hawke and Letonia walking into the kitchen. Her eyes widened in horror at seeing their disheveled state. “My god, Marian, what happened? Why are you soaked? Whose child is this?”

“You didn’t hear the thunderclap? It’s pouring outside.” Hawke asked. “Are wedding plans so engrossing that not even the weather can interfere?”

“Marian, whose child is this?”

“Oh sorry mom, this is Letonia. She’s Fenris’ niece.”

“Hi,” Letonia said shyly, gripping onto Hawke’s hand. “We got wet from the rain. I’m sorry we’re dripping on your floor.”

“Nonsense, no need to be sorry at all. Oh my goodness look at the two of you. Come let's get you out of these clothes and into something dry.”

Leandra wasted no time getting Letonia undressed, dried, and into one of Hawke’s oversized t-shirts. “Bethany, clear all this stuff off the table; we have company.”

Bethany stared at her mother aghast. “Stuff? Mom this stuff is for planning my wedding.”

“You're not getting married for another year. There's plenty of time to plan. We have a guest in need of refreshment.”

Bethany sighed, but couldn't hide the smile on her face as she cleared off the table. She and Hawke exchanged a look as she passed by. “The baby talk is going to come much faster now, thanks for that.”

“I want to be an auntie,” Hawke said with a pout. “Make me an auntie, Beth, pretty please.”

***

“Fenris, before you go there’s something I need to discuss with you.” Dorothea had been in high spirits despite the doctor's prognosis. A broken hip: she would need surgery to replace it and that meant a great deal of bed rest. “It has come to my attention that I have grown old.”

Fenris chuckled and took Dorothea’s hand, he kissed her knuckles softly. “You don’t look a day over twenty to me.”

“Shameless flattery, I never tire of it. Despite my youthful beauty my body is betraying me. The time has come for me to retire. Which means I need to sell the book store.”

Fenris felt his heart sink. He loved Dorothea's shop; she had a beautiful mixture of old, modern, eclectic, and obscure. To have someone else run it would change everything about it.

“However, I doubt I could find anyone who would love it like I did. I don’t have enough time to really go over all the potential buyers, interview them, determine their true worth beyond the depth of their pockets. And that’s why I think it's best that I give it to you.”

Fenris felt himself choke on his own breath. Dorothea laughed weakly at him as he hastily grabbed for a glass of water from her bedside tray. “You can’t be serious.”

“I am. There's no one else I can think of who deserves it more. You would love it as I did, would care for every book like it was your own, not to mention you can’t keep sleeping on your sister’s couch.”

Fenris laughed and leaned down to press a kiss to Dorothea’s temple. “I never knew either of my grandmothers. Is it too forward to say I consider you as one?”

“Not at all; in fact I insist on it. But no calling me Nana. Makes me feel old.”

***

**Fenris __**8:34pm

Thank you again for your help today. 

**Hawke __**8:39pm

It was the least I could do after my little outburst. I still feel like such an ass.

**Fenris __**8:42pm

I did sort of spring it on you out of nowhere. I’ve been wanting to tell you about it for months. But there was never an opportunity and it wasn’t something I wanted to tell you over the phone or through a text message.

**Hawke __**8:45pm

I understand. So am I the only one who knows? Well except my mom and Beth now.

**Fenris __**8:47pm

You were the first to find out as I had wanted it to be. You’re my best friend, it meant so much to me to be able to introduce you to my family.

**Hawke __**8:52pm

I didn’t get a chance to say it today but, I’m really glad you’re back. I don’t think you know just how much I missed you.

**Fenris __**8:55pm

I think it’s safe to say that I know exactly how you feel. I missed you too.

***

**Varric __**12:34pm

First things first you need to do a full inventory. I’m sure the old broad has a great system but you need to go through and make sure you have an account of everything. Second we need to get that apartment redecorated and more suited to a young bachelor. You bring a girl home and she’s gonna think you’re Norman Bates walking into that place looking the way it does now. Third, definitely spruce up the joint. I got a guy who can come in and refurbish all the shelves maybe even make some reading nooks.

**Fenris __**12:39pm

I’m not even going to ask how you already know. Because honestly i’m scared of the answer.

**Varric __**12:42pm

I’m both touched and hurt all at once.

***

**Anders __**3:56pm

I thought we were friends?

**Fenris __**3:59pm

What did i do now?

**Anders __**4:03pm

Hawke got to find out first?

**Fenris __**4:05pm

Seriously? Mister meddle, mister matchmaker, mister get drunk and talk about your feelings while I skirt around mine. 

**Anders __**4:07pm

I’m fickle, I want to be more important. I stayed in touch after all.

**Fenris __**4:09pm

You found out before Isabela

**Anders __**4:11pm

You are forgiven

***

**Leandra __**2:34pm

You did remember to tell your sister that I am available any time to baby sit right?

**Fenris __**2:36pm

Yes i did, she says thank you and she will give you a call if the need arises.

**Leandra __**2:39pm

Free of charge, you mentioned that right? 

**Fenris __**2:42pm

If you keep this up I might start worry you’ll try and steal her away

**Leandra __**2:44pm

Not permanently, just for a few days. I miss having little ones. Goodness knows my children won’t be giving me grandkids anytime soon. 

**Fenris __**2:49pm

I will remind her one more time and maybe nudge her towards having a day off to herself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this chapter, dare I say it but I am so done with angst. I might try it again with another fic but as far as this one is concerned I am definitely done with the angst...until Chapter 30
> 
> Thanks for reading!!!


	29. Chapter 29

**Cullen __**2:56pm

*image sent*

Got my girl!

**Hawke __**3:03pm

Where is she? All I see is a big giant doofus.

**Cullen __**3:05pm

Very funny.

**Hawke __**3:07pm

You guys are adorable. Lunch tomorrow?

**Cullen __**3:09pm

Bonny Lems 1pm

*******

Fenris could hear the bells on the front door chiming from the back room. He’d been cataloguing inventory as per Varric’s suggestion. Noon was a slow time, so he’d sent Varania off on her lunch break, ignoring her protests when he insisted she just bring him something from the diner instead of taking a break himself. He’d tried to explain that he had spent the better part of a year doing this same exact sort of work. He was used to eating cold meals he’d forgotten he’d ordered.

He followed the narrow corridor from the back of the shop to the front, looking for whoever had come in. He sighed when he realized that they had probably already left, having not seen anyone manning the counter. He went to turn back to the back room when he heard a strange shuffling from the other side of the shop. 

“Hello?” he called out. “Is someone here?”

No sound came but another rustling, this time from the row of bookshelves next to him. He felt the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. He rounded the corner quickly hoping to catch his would-be intruder. 

“Surprise!” a loud voice cried out from behind him. He screeched and whipped around to find Iris behind him doubling over in painful laughter. She clutched at her stomach, desperately trying to catch her breath. “Oh...my...god...you should have...seen your face!”

“Iris, what the fuck!” he said incredulously, his hand over his chest trying to calm his rapid heart beat. “You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

“Worth it, totally worth it,” she said with a grin before throwing herself forward to hug him. He held his arms at his sides in mock stubbornness, refusing to look down at her smiling face. “Hug me you big oaf!”

“I’m not speaking to you.”

“Oh, so we’re back to that then? Shall I send for my cousins?”

“Perish the thought! I only just got over the hell you three put me through.”

“Ha! You miss us and you know it!”

He laughed and hugged her back, lifting her up to make her squeal. “Put me down!”

“Not until you apologize for scaring the shit out of me...again.”

“Never! You need excitement in your life and I’m here to provide it,” she cried out, struggling to escape.

“I had more than enough!”

“What in the world is going on here?” Varania exclaimed, walking into the shop. Fenris had a moment where he swore it was his mother and not his sister, staring at him wide-eyed. He put Iris down and tucked his hands behind his back. 

“Hey Sis, this is my friend Iris. You met her brother back in Tevinter, Xander.”

“You’re little Iris? It’s so wonderful to meet you!” Varania smiled, stepping forward to shake her hand. 

“He’s still calling me that?” Iris sighed and shook her head. “You must be Varania then. I admit I heard more about you from _my_ brother than yours. He just adores your little girl.”

“I’m not surprised; she seems to have that effect on everyone she meets. I honestly never expected to meet you. Xander said you both hail from Ostwick and that you were attending Skyhold.”

“Both are true, but my boyfriend attends Gallows. I’m here for his graduation and to spend some much needed time with him.”

“And she decided instead of saying hello like a normal person she’d come here and try to scare me to death,” Fenris added with a sideways glare to Iris.

“What’s the fun of dropping in if I’m not going to make an entrance?” she said with a shrug before checking her watch. “So Fenris, tell me you can make some time in your super busy schedule for little old me.”

“I was just in the middle of—”

“He’s actually got the rest of the day free,” Varania interjected, talking over her brother. “He hasn’t eaten a proper meal in days. Please for the love of god take him somewhere with warm food and maybe get him tipsy enough that he goes home instead of coming back here.”

“Varania, I am your boss.”

“And I am your big sister! Go outside, spend time with people, and _eat something_!”

“Fine!”

“Love you!”

***

“Oh! I forgot to mention we’re meeting with my boyfriend and his coworker,” Iris remarked offhandedly as they walked through Lowtown. “I didn’t want to make her feel like a third wheel.”

Fenris stopped in his tracks and fixed Iris with a scathing look. “You’re dragging me on a blind date? A blind double date, no less?”

Iris ignored him and continued to walk; he took two long strides and put himself in front of her. “Iris.”

“It’s not a date. Honestly, if it was a date I would have had you go home and change.”

“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” he asked, gesturing to his outfit. It was no different than what he usually wore. Black jeans, dark grey sweater, and tight laced Docs. “I have worn this exact outfit on a date.”

“No wonder you’re single,” Iris scoffed before gesturing to the red sundress she was wearing. “This is what you wear on a date.”

“If it’s not a date, then why are you wearing that?”

“Oh my god, fine then, it’s a date, are you happy now?”

“No!”

***

“Where’s Iris?” Hawke asked as she hugged Cullen outside of Bonny Lem's.

“She went to meet a friend of hers and just texted me to say she’s bringing him along for lunch.”

“Oh okay, guess I won’t be a third wheel after all.”

Cullen gave her a funny look; “Third wheel?”

“You know, having lunch with you and your girlfriend. It does make me a third wheel. I just hope whoever this guy is he doesn’t think it's a blind date or something.”

Cullen laughed and shook his head. “I doubt Iris has implied that it is. Honestly, I’m surprised she knows anyone in town. She’s only been here a handful of times. I think she said he just recently moved here.”

He stared off in the distance for a moment before a wide smile crossed his face. “There she is… wait, do I know that guy?”

Hawke turned and felt her stomach flip over. “Oh my god.”

“Didn’t that guy punch me outside a bar once?”

“Yeah, Cullen, that’s my ex.”

***

“Oh fuck,” Fenris said as he saw the tall blonde next to Hawke wave at them. “Oh fuck fuck fuck.”

“What?” Iris asked impatiently.

“Iris, the woman standing next to who I can only assume is your boyfriend is Hawke, my Hawke. And because this is honesty hour, I punched your boyfriend.”

Iris turned to him mouth agape. “You punched Cullen?”

“Yeah, like, last year, it was a bar fight; I don’t remember much. You’re missing the point; that's Hawke.”

“No, that’s Marian— _you punched my boyfriend_?”

“Stay focused on what's important here: Marian Hawke, that's Hawke. You just wrangled me into a double date with my ex-girlfriend.”

“You punched Cullen?”

“Venhedis!”

***

“So should I be concerned that my girlfriend is walking towards us with the guy who once lunged at me and clocked me square in the jaw?”

“Ummm, well, no, I don’t think so. How does Iris know Fenris?”

“I can only assume this is the guy from Skyhold she kept telling me about. She said she and her cousins found someone who needed Trevelyan Therapy. Having been on the receiving end of it before, I didn’t press to learn more. Are you going to be all right with this?”

“Yeah, totally fine. Fenris and I are friends now, this is only slightly less awkward than it would have been if we weren’t.”

“So we’re both agreed then that this is awkward.”

“Indeed, Captain Obvious.”

***

“Hi,” Iris greeted Hawke with a smile and hug. “Oh my goodness, it is so wonderful to finally meet you. I have heard so much about you already.”

“Should I be worried? I didn’t think Cullen was the type to extol my virtues since half the time at work I’m a thorn in his side,” Hawke asked, returning Iris’s embrace happily.

“All good things I promise. So, funny thing here, Fenris tells me he already knows both of you.”

“Hawke,” Fenris said with a smile that looked to be little more than a grimace. “Ummm, sorry about your...jaw.” He extended his hand towards Cullen, who took it and gave him a firm handshake.

“I barely remember that night. How is Anders?”

“He’s good,” Fenris replied, looking relieved. “Back in town, as I’m sure Hawke has told you.”

“Yeah, Marian was pretty happy when he came back.”

“So is it Marian or Hawke?” Iris asked. 

“Hawke is fine, that’s what my friends call me. Coworkers who are now friends can adopt the name as well,” she said with a smile towards Cullen.

***

Fenris felt like a damn idiot. Regardless of whether the lunch was a date or not, he was with her and another couple. What Cullen did for Iris, he found himself doing for Hawke subconsciously. He offered to take her coat, pulled out her chair, he only just managed to stop himself from taking her hand when he saw Cullen take Iris’s. Every time their eyes met they smiled though; shy smiles, happy smiles, and a few coy ones if he would allow himself to believe it.

It was so easy to fall back into their old ways. Conversation flowed and he found himself actually relaxing. Hawke’s easy laughter was music to his ears and it almost hurt to hear it again.

“So Cullen has outright refused to tell me the story of how you two met,” Hawke said, twirling the stem of her wine glass through her fingers. “This tells me it's embarrassing and I bet you’ll be more than happy to tell me.”

“Iris, please,” Cullen practically whined. “Gloss over the parts where I'm a complete ass.”

“But that's the best part of the story!” she said happily.

“Go on then and embarrass me if you must,” Cullen said with a sigh.

“So I was in my final year at Ostwick College and my cousins insisted that I go to an end of the year frat party. Honestly, I can count on both hands how many college parties I've been to in my entire life, so you can understand that I was practically dragged there. I brought a book.”

“As always,” Fenris said jokingly. Iris smiled and winked at him.

“The party had been going on for a few hours and I was bored. Mostly because conversation kept going back to sports and honestly, I have no patience for it. Suddenly tall, blonde, and handsome walks up and I think to myself, oh he's cute.”

“And then I opened my mouth,” Cullen said with a laugh. “I said, “Damn girl, if you were words on a page, you'd be FINE PRINT.”

“Cullen!” Hawke exclaimed, staring at him open mouthed. 

“I know; truth be told I did it on a dare. My frat brothers had been ribbing me for never hooking up with anyone at any of the parties we went to. Honestly I had just never met anyone that caught my interest,” he said, smiling fondly at Iris. She grinned and gave his arm a squeeze.

"I will say this, had he been the first guy to approach me that night it might have been different. But I had been dealing with “Whatcha reading? Any good? Yeah, why don't you come join the party, sweetheart? I got a nice quiet place you can read upstairs, if you catch my meaning" all night. So I did what any smart woman in my place would. I eviscerated him with my words,” she said with a wicked smile.

“She called me a dumb blonde, said I was probably brain dead from the number of concussions I got banging my head against other big sweaty men. And that my attentions were better suited towards a woman who would love me for my looks since no woman of caliber would ever find my mind to be a treasure. Amongst other things—I’ve honestly blocked out a lot of it.”

Fenris snorted into his glass and Hawke giggled. “Was it love at first bite then?”

“Absolutely. She walked away, and all I could think was ‘I want to know this woman’.”

“He found me the next day, though. Followed me into a bookstore; he didn't realize I worked there.”

“Once I realized it, my plan went into action. I casually strolled up to her and said, ‘I'm looking for a book on how to tell a girl that I'm an idiot who said stupid things on a dare.’”

“So I said, ‘I think you must have missed the talks about avoiding peer pressure they gave back in high school’.” There was mirth in her voice as they recalled their story.

“I must have dozed off during that one. Is there a book on how to earn a second chance?” he said with pouting lips and puppy eyes.

“I think that book is called ‘Apologize, you dummy’.”

“So I did and I convinced her to join me for coffee. That was nearly three years ago,” he said with a warm smile.

“How did you and Fenris meet?” Hawke asked, realizing she was insanely curious. “At Skyhold, I can only assume.”

“Oh lord, no,” Fenris groaned. “Please no.”

“Oh my god, yes,” Hawke insisted. “What did he do?”

“He was a grumpy pants meanie, snapped when I offered him assistance in the library. I’m the TA to the dean of Literature so I was only doing my job.”

“I can totally see him doing that,” Hawke grinned, poking Fenris on the arm.

“I was jetlagged,” he offered weakly. “You were perky and I was tired.”

“Uh huh, anyways he came to find me to apologize but I had already recruited my cousins to the cause,” Iris said with a wicked smile.

“I am so sorry for whatever they did to you,” Cullen said raising his glass to Fenris. “The Trevelyans are...relentless.”

“Indeed they are,” Fenris grumbled. 

“I feel like I would get along so well with them. Tell me they’re coming to visit too?” Hawke asked eagerly. 

Cullen stared at Iris with a look pure terror. “Tell me they’re not.”

Iris giggled into her wine glass. “They’re coming for your graduation next week. But only for a few days. Honestly you’d have to figure Emma would be coming since Branson is.”

“The joy of your cousin dating my brother,” Cullen sighed. “Pity they met first, otherwise I could have protested the relationship.”

“Emma was nice enough to not protest ours.”

“I’m in a similar boat to you, my best friend is dating my little brother. Bonus points is she lives with us too,” Hawke added. “My own fault, I encouraged it.”

Fenris sat back in his chair and listened as Hawke told the story of her best friend and brother coming together. Merrill and Carver were a good match; anyone who knew them could see that. The same could be said about the rest of their friends and their respective partners. Anders and Isabela, despite their own insecurities about relationships, had come together. Bethany and Sebastian had found each other and hadn’t looked back once. Their wedding was going to be a beautiful one.

He and Hawke were the only ones left. This date, and yes it was a date, it was easy and effortless. Spending time with her always was. What wasn't easy was pretending they were only friends. She would never be just a friend to him. He loved her too much for them to only be friends. But he would be damned if he would ruin what they had by telling her anything otherwise. 

Best case scenario, she would tell him kindly that they couldn't be together like that again. Worst case, she’d run for the hills and never speak to him again. There were several more thoughts that ran through his mind, a million other possible outcomes. Each one had the same result. Their friendship would be all but destroyed. Things would change and there would be no turning back. 

Looking at her, seeing her smile, it was enough to soothe the ache in his chest...for now.

***

Hawke had given up finding things to occupy herself with at work. It had been the slowest shift she could remember. One elderly couple came in around five, ate their dinner, and were out the door by six. They had been her only customers that night. She sat at the bar watching Cullen polish the pint glasses...again.

“This sucks,” she said with a groan, planting her head flat on the bar. “What time is it?”

“Five minutes since the last time you asked me.”

“So it's six thirty five?”

“Its six twenty five actually.”

Hawke let out a petulant whine and blew out a burst of air between her pursed lips. “For the love of god, will someone come into this hell hole and put me out of my misery!”

“Cullen, what have you done to the poor girl now?” a voice said next to her. Hawke picked her head up and saw Iris standing there, giving Cullen a pointed look.

“It's not me, I swear,” he said, throwing his hands up defensively. “It's a dead night and Marian is easily bored.”

“Cullen, please call me Hawke. My mother and my siblings call me Marian.”

Cullen rolled his eyes and leaned across the bar to kiss Iris. “What are you doing here? Thought you were going to spend the day shopping?”

“I maxed out mummy’s credit card and when I realized I was about to do the same with my father’s I thought it best to call it quits,” she said, hopping up to sit on a bar stool. Hawke giggled at the sight. Iris was short enough she actually had to jump up on the thing.

“Let me guess, you spent most of it on books?”

“Actually, no, this time I spent it on clothes I know she’ll hate to see me wear. It’s her own fault for that damn letter she sent Xander. Eventually she will realize that her actions towards him are going to cost her more than just a relationship with her children,” she said before taking a sip of the drink Cullen placed in front of her. 

“God, that’s adorable,” Hawke said with a sigh. “You didn’t even have to tell him what you wanted.”

Iris smiled and turned herself to fully face Hawke. “So, I don’t know if Cullen told you but I had a really great time the other day.”

“Me too, I mean I’ve heard so much about you. It was nice to see the face behind the stories.”

“I know, I feel the same way. I feel like I should apologize to you though.”

Hawke tilted her head in confusion. “Apologize for what?”

“I knew it was you, well I had a hunch but I went with my gut on it. I brought Fenris ’cause I knew it would be you that Cullen had with him.”

“I knew it,” Cullen said under his breath before turning away from the scathing glare Iris sent his way. “I’ll be over here minding my own business and pretending I don’t exist.”

“How did you…”

“I met Fenris in Skyhold back in January. He was with my cousins and me when Merrill called him about your brother. And shortly before that call came through, he had just finished telling us the story of how that red cuff came to be in his possession.”

Hawke’s mouth clipped shut and she felt her insides begin to twist. She had learned to ignore the fact that he still wore it. In truth, she had been waiting for the day he would return it to her. To let her know he had moved on, so that she could do the same as well.

“I’m a meddler, I get involved where I shouldn’t, and your story, it was just so sad after all you had gone through only to have something tear you apart like that. It just broke my heart and I wasn’t thinking of things in the long term when I set all that up. I mean, obviously you two have become friends again, you’ve made amends for the past. It must have been one hell of a story.”

“I’m sorry what?”

“His story, how he ended up here, back in your life again. I mean I only know how you two met and how you knew each other when you were younger. But I don’t know anything else really.”

“Oh, he didn’t tell you any of that?”

“I never considered myself close enough to him to even ask. He’s a mystery, so much locked away. I wonder if there’s anyone he would tell it to. Like maybe he’s waiting for the right person to ask him,” Iris remarked offhandedly, staring off into the distance before snapping her focus back to Hawke. “I’m sure that day will come for him eventually.”

Hawke felt as though her brain had come to a full stop. What had been a sea of thoughts and feelings suddenly dissolved into one cohesive thought.

“I...I have to go,” she said. “There’s something I have to do.”

“I’ll tell Cullen.”

Hawke heard Iris and Cullen arguing as she left the restaurant.

“Where is she going?”

“She has something more important to do than wait on me.”

“Who's going to wait tables then?”

“I will.”

“Iris, I can’t just let you…”

“Cullen, we are talking about true love! Nothing else matters in this moment!”

***

Fenris sprawled across the leather couch Varric had insisted on buying for him. _To commemorate your first bachelor pad._ Varric refused to accept that the studio above Isabela’s cafe counted as his first pad, explaining that paying rent did not count and that by owning the building he lived in he had truly come into his own.

Though at the moment he wasn't feeling as though he had come into his own. Instead he felt like his eyes wanted to jump out of his skull if only to never have to read again. After months of studying literature he was now studying inventory, price listings, and vendor information. While he was thankful to Dorothea for her gift, he wished she was able to talk him through more of it. She hadn’t been released from the hospital yet and the nurses kept sending him away when he came to visit, stating she needed rest.

He sighed and lifted his glasses on top of his head, rubbing his eyes he winced at the pain. He could hear his sister’s voice in his head telling him he needed to take longer breaks and maybe try relaxing. Taking her advice Fenris went to the kitchen and pulled down a bottle of Aggregio, just one glass and then he’d go back to work. He had gotten the corkscrew halfway in when there was a knock at the door. He opened it to find Hawke still in her waitress uniform, carrying a bag with two wine bottles and another that smelled like take out.

“Hawke?”

“So I realized that I don’t know you. I mean I know you, but not all of you. Because of everything that happened you’ve become two different people in my mind who I have vastly differing feelings about. I want the chance to know you, the real you. Not whatever crazy thing my mind cooked up about how and why things went the way that they did. I want to know you, Fenris, if you’ll give me the chance.”

Fenris stepped back from the doorway and let her inside. They stayed silent as he poured them each a glass of wine. Forgoing plates they carried the food over to the coffee table and sat down, eating in stilted silence. Fenris lifted his wine glass and drank down half in one shot.

“I want to tell you everything, from the beginning. No matter how much it hurts me.”

“Fenris,” she said softly, reaching over to squeeze his arm.

“I was in the car accident that killed my father. I was five. That’s why I like to be in the front seat. I was in the back, I didn’t know what was happening. All I remember was my father yelling my name, and shattering glass.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe its almost over.
> 
> So not gonna lie the last chapter has not been written yet. The ideas are there, the plan exists, but the narrative itself hasn't been written. I have had quite the whirlwind of events happen over the last few weeks. My lovely betas (AKA my best friends and fellow writers) broodywolf and emmatrevelyan came to visit me. We had a wonderful time together and even did some writing, together at the same table it was amazing! 
> 
> After they left I ended up going to the dentist for an emergency appointment which then resulted in an extraction. I spent two days high as a kite on the pain meds they gave me. So needless to say I wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind to be writing anything.
> 
> But rest assured I haven't forgotten my story and I will finish it.


	30. Chapter 30

“I was in the car accident that killed my father. I was five. That’s why I like to be in the front seat. I was in the back, I didn’t know what was happening. All I remember was my father yelling my name, and shattering glass.”

He heard her breath catch as the confession came out. He’d never told anyone about that. It was always “my father died in a car accident”; he’d never continued on to say that he had been in the car. He saw her reach out to him from the corner of his eye, her hand hesitating in mid air, unsure. He closed his eyes slowly and reached over to take her hand, the simple gesture of touch the only thing stopping him from freezing on the spot.

“Were you badly hurt?” she asked quietly.

“The scars have all faded. I had a few cuts on my face and arms from the broken glass. My father turned the car at the last minute, causing the majority of the impact to hit him...he saved my life at the cost of his own.”

She squeezed his fingers gently, a soft reminder that she was still there. That he could go at any pace he wanted to. “My mother tried to sue the driver of the other vehicle, but her lawyer was...an asshole.”

He had said the word so dryly Hawke couldn’t help but laugh. “When all was said and done she settled out of court for less than half of what she could have pushed for, and his contract enabled him to take almost half of that. In the end she ended up having to work three jobs to keep the house, my sister and me fed and clothed. I think I got to see her an hour every day in the last years of her life.”

“What happened to her?”

“Pneumonia; she let it get worse and worse. Never taking a day off to see a doctor. By the time she realized she needed treatment it was too late. She looked so small lying in that bed. I hate that my strongest memory of my mother is her dying in a sterile hospital bed.”

“Do you have any pictures of her?”

“Now I do; Varania managed to acquire a lot of the family photos from a former neighbor,” he said, standing up from the couch and heading into his bedroom. He pulled the small box of photos his sister had given him out of his dresser. He found what was probably the last picture taken of his family when it was whole. “Hawke, this is my mother and father, Mara and Metis.”

Hawke took the photo from him and slid closer as he sat back down, her legs pressing against his. He took the opportunity to put his arm around her and she leaned into him. “You look like your dad.”

“Do I?”

“You have his smile.”

“I never realized.”

Hawke held the picture of his father up next to his face. “Oh yes, I have seen this smile enough times to recognize it. See, there it is right now. And if memory serves me right, those locks were the same lovely black as your mother.”

“It's all gone to white, about six months ago I went to see a stylist to get my undercut buzzed down. I mentioned having dyed it to cover what little black kept showing up. She combed through my hair several times before informing me that there wasn't a single strand of black hair left.”

“How do you feel about that?”

He let out a puff of air. “Between my hair, the glasses, and the feeling I’ve been getting in my knees? Old, just—fuck, Hawke, I feel old.”

She giggled and pressed a kiss to his temple. His breath nearly caught in his throat when she did. “Still look good to me.”

“Flattery never hurts.”

“I will have to remember to do it more often then. You don't have to keep going if you don't want to,” she said, her lips ghosting across his cheek.

“I _need_ to,” he insisted, turning to look into her eyes. Those pure bright blue eyes… _glaciers on the sea at dawn_. “I can get through it, with you, here.”

“Take a breather while I refill our glasses,” she urged, standing up before he could stop her. Fenris watched her appraise and assess his kitchen while pouring the wine. “This is a travesty,” she announced.

“Whatever do you mean by that?” He joined her in the kitchen, accepting the glass she handed him.

“This kitchen is beautiful. Dorothea had great taste. The travesty is that it's empty and devoid of all the things necessary to make it a true kitchen.”

“Such as?”

“You don't even have a cookie jar,” she declared, gesturing to his counters—bare save for the coffee maker and microwave. “Also, where are your spices? You don't have a spice rack or even a spice drawer.”

“I have salt and pepper,” he replied with a grin, reveling in the shocked stare Hawke fixed him with.

“Are you trying to hurt me? 'Cause that hurt me, right here,” she said, gesturing to her chest right above her heart. “If you let me I can show you a world of possibilities for this kitchen.”

“Ah yes, where the only limit is my wallet and even then you'll find a way to circumvent that.”

“You can't put a price on good cookware, Fenris,” she replied, folding her arms. He had to smile at the way she artfully held the stem of her wine glass while still maintaining her disapproving stance.

“And who is going to use all this amazing cookware?”

“You will.”

“I can't cook.”

“Not now, but you will. I'll teach you.”

Fenris let out a barking laugh that put a look on Hawke's face that bordered on offended. “What is so funny? You think I can’t?”

“I'm laughing because you think you can actually teach me to cook. I can cook a mean pot of spaghetti and I follow the instructions on the back of most of the boxes. But cooking, the kind you do, that's not exactly in my realm of capabilities.”

“That's only because you never had the opportunity. Trust me, the only reason I excel is I had a good teacher and I'm not referring to my professors.”

“Your father…”

“Yeah.”

The silence between them added to the levity of the moment. Hawke had tried in her own way to distract him from the unpleasantness of the evening. But until she knew everything the unanswered questions would bring them back into their painful reality. And once their questions were answered, what then? Would he continue living a lie, pretending they were only friends?

“Maybe it's not too late to learn after all,” he offered, his voice hoarse as though it hadn't been used in months. “I can't promise I'll be a model student.”

Hawke grinned and tweaked him gently on the nose. “I'll be a gentle teacher.”

“So rather than recount every single foster home I went to, maybe I should just give you the basic rundown. Otherwise we will be here all night.”

“That many?”

“Three in the first year alone. Two the next, and then the last year before Varania and I were separated, we hit a record of four, and the last one we were in for less than a week.”

“Wow that's…”

“To be fair, it was mostly my fault,” he added quickly. “Varania would tell you that none of the families knew how to handle me. That the system failed us. Maybe it did. But in the end, I was an angry child who was lashing out at everyone. It got so bad with all the moving around and rehoming that I don't think I attended a full year of school until I was nine.”

“How were you and Varania separated?” 

They had maintained their position in the kitchen, with Hawke moving closer and closer to him as he spoke. Her presence and insistence on always being within arm’s reach brought him a measure of security. She was right there ready to catch him should he fall. Her question left another bout of silence that was broken when she stepped forward. She slid her fingers up the side of his neck before gently palming his chin.

_“We’d find Varania a home faster if she would only consent to be separated from Leto.”_

_“She could thrive with the right family.”_

_“I hate you, I never want to see you again.”_

_“Leto, what about our Puer Promise?”_

_“I don’t care about the stupid promise, go find another family!”_

The words spilled out of him so quickly he was surprised she'd heard them at all. 

“I found out that she’d never get placed in a good home if she insisted on being with me. So I told her I hated her, that I never wanted to see her again. I watched them take her away and never once tried to take my words back.”

“So you pushed her away? Oh Fenris.” Hawke’s voice was full of sympathy, not the pity he'd expected. Nor was he expecting the fierce embrace that followed. He buried his face into her shoulder as she stroked her fingers through his hair. “You were just a kid, they should have made sure you weren't listening in on something like that.”

“I thought I was doing the right thing...for both of us.”

“You were seven years old. Are you honestly still punishing yourself for this?” 

Fenris stilled in her arms, answering the question. Her grip on him tightened and he could feel every kiss she peppered his head with. “It may not be my place to say this but...I’m giving you permission to forgive yourself. For everything, Fenris.”

“Even...?”

“Yes, even that.”

“But I haven't told you everything yet.”

“That's fine, in this moment right now all that matters to me is that you give yourself the forgiveness you deserve. You were a child who was forced to grow up way too quickly. How can I be angry at you for a life I can only imagine was even harder than you are making it out to be?”

“That doesn't excuse…”

She silenced his protests with a single finger against his lips. “I forgive you, Fenris.”

“I cannot accept that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I haven't finished. You can forgive me when you know everything. If you still choose to.”

He swallowed hard as he became aware of the position that they had found themselves in. Her hips were pressed against the counter, his arms were wrapped around her waist, and her arms laid across his shoulders. It was close, it was intimate, it was familiar—and God it felt so right. 

“Shall we return to the couch?” he asked, his voice wavering. She nodded in response but took hold of his hand as they walked back into the living room. 

“Once Varania and I were separated there was nothing stopping them from handing me over to...to…,” he faltered and sank back into the couch. “To Dan.”

Her fingers laced themselves between his and her head rested against his shoulder. “I'm still here.”

“Dan was well known in the foster system for being able to take in the problem children. He never sent anyone back, no matter the troubles they had in other homes somehow he always managed to handle them. It's not a lie; Dan… he had his methods.”

“Had? So is he…”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

“He...he…”

Fenris shuddered at the memories that surfaced and found himself unable to speak. Dan’s voice, somehow years later, was still clear in his memory. His mouth moved but words wouldn't come out and he clenched his hands so tight he felt his nails biting into his flesh. The tears came before he even realized they were there and in that moment he found himself suddenly embraced fully in the warmth of Hawke’s arms. 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to do this.”

“I want to… but… so many of the things that happened there—not just to me, the things I saw...”

“Hush. Another time, another day. When you’re ready, truly ready, I will be there. I promise.”

He nodded, still unable to speak, taking deep breaths as he did his best to lock away the most painful memories of his time with Dan. Hawke held him close before clearing her throat awkwardly. “I know why you didn’t write.”

Fenris looked up at her so quickly he was surprised he didn't give himself whiplash. She knew?

“Carver told me, said I should know. Well, he sort of yelled it at me while we were arguing about you and him talking back when you were in Ferelden. But I know, I’ve known for a while. I’m sorry, I should have told you.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because I felt like an asshole. Because I was so absolutely ashamed that I shoved you away and never gave you a chance to tell me what happened. Because I allowed myself to let the pain of a teenage girl’s broken heart prevent me from moving forward. I know there is so much more you have to say and share. But I can’t keep letting you spill all this out without being honest myself.”

“I give you permission to forgive yourself,” he said with a grin. “But only if you forgive me for one last thing.”

“What’s that?”

He reached out and cupped her cheek, stroking his fingers softly against her skin. “For allowing myself to forget this face. You never forgot mine. I still don’t understand how I ever let myself forget those eyes.”

She blushed and giggled while leaning into the touch. “I suppose I could learn to forgive you for that.”

“And there’s one more thing.”

“Yes?”

“Forgive me for not doing this sooner,” he said before pulling her towards him and pressing his lips against hers in earnest. Her gasp of surprise gave him pause, but she returned the kiss before he could pull away. Fenris would have given anything in that moment for his brain to shut up and just let him enjoy the moment. But the voice nagging in the back of his mind would not relent. He pulled away and sighed, shaking his head.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…” His voice was hoarse and he nearly tripped over his own feet as he stood up from the couch. His feet felt like lead as he stalked off to the kitchen, not even thinking as he chugged on the half empty bottle of wine that had been left on the counter. Hawke stood up awkwardly from the couch, smoothing her clothes back in place before slowly approaching where he stood. 

“Fenris.”

“I'm sorry,” he said quickly, refusing to meet her eyes.

“Why, why are you apologizing?”

“Because...because…”

“Fenris, tell me the truth: is this enough?”

“What?” He looked up to see her standing not three feet away from him, one hand resting on the counter, the other clutched against her middle. Despite her attempt to appear casual, her eyes revealed the hope and fear she was feeling all at once.

“Friendship with me. Is it enough?”

He gaped at her then, astounded that everything he had said and done in the last few hours hadn’t given her an indication of where his feelings lay. What more was he supposed to say or do? What did she want from him?

“Festis bei umo canaverum!” he growled for lack of anything better to say. His native Tevene brought a wry grin to her face.

“I'm sorry, what?” she said, holding back a giggle.

“It means you will be the death of me.”

“Am I really so horrible to you?” she said, inching closer to him.

“You really have no idea, do you?” he replied, running a hand through his hair.

“No; care to enlighten me?”

“I accepted friendship with you because it was what you were willing to give and I was happy to have it. But then you do this thing—” His hands waved in the air while he ranted and then dropped to his sides at the end of his statement. Unsure how to explain the effect she had on him.

“What thing? What do I do?”

“Be there, being there, here around me and fuck—Hawke do you have any idea what you do to me?”

“Tell me, then! For the love of God, tell me, Fenris, please,” she pleaded, coming to stand in front of him.

“You, everything about you. It could be days, months, even years and I will remember your touch like it was yesterday. Being around you, being friends with you—it's agony.”

“Then why do you do it? Why, after all of this... why do you stay friends with me?”

“Because nothing could be worse than the thought of living without you,” he said, his eyes boring into hers.

“Fenris…”

“Hawke, I won't lie and tell you I wish I could change the past. Because I wouldn't,” he took her hands in his and clutched them against his chest. “You came into my life—twice—and changed my world. There is no one I would rather spend my days with. I think of you when I'm happy. I think of you when I'm sad. No matter where I go in life I will always try to find my way back to you. If there is a future with you, any future at all… I would walk into it gladly at your side.”

She sighed and pressed her forehead against his hands. “You are so unfair, you know that?”

“What?”

“You… saying all of these beautiful words and leaving me with nothing left to say.”

“Hawke…”

“You found me, Fenris. I’m not letting you go again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, this is how it ends. I have spent the last month writing, rewriting, questioning, deleting, and going through a major emotional upheaval in regards to this fic.
> 
> It's been nearly a year since I started and so much has changed. I've made new friends, become known on tumblr (300 followers woot woot :P), and started work on another major long fic with two of the new friends I had made.
> 
> As always special thanks needs to go to Broody, Ranna, and Emma. Wihtout fail they kept this fic going with edits, encouragement, and occasional reminders that it was ok to take a break.
> 
> To everyone who commented, shared, kudoed, and loved this fic, thank you. I've loved almost every second of writing it, there were a few times I was more inclined to throw the laptop, but for the most part I have loved it.


End file.
